I am a light switch (poem, stream of conciousness, whatever)

Khrymsyn · 04-06-2009, 06:38 AM

I can't delete this post, but I can delete what's in it...

Just ignore this...

boratika · 04-06-2009, 07:47 AM

Sorry, just delete this?

TheSilentDeath · 04-06-2009, 07:52 AM

Now I'm wondering what could Khrymsyn possible write that he would later want to delete?

Khrymsyn · 04-06-2009, 08:58 AM

Honestly... just... I'm in a bit of a mixed up place right now, and I wrote something in haste to try to sort through my issues.
Since I know I can't take this back, and I know how "just delete this" posts wind up on this site (for pete's sake, that's 2 for me since the new year!), I guess I might as well just put in what I originally wrote. Critique if you so desire. heh

I am a light switch.

on - laughter
off - tears
on - hope
off - disbelief
on - love
off - betrayal
... - frustration
... - anger
... - dispair
... - emptyness

I am a broken light switch, and do not know if I ever can be fixed again.

boratika · 04-06-2009, 09:23 AM

My only criticism is that you can't actually switch a light from off to off. But then, I don't really know anything about free-form poetry.

My almost helpful advice is that it gets better. Eventually it has to. (Well at least, without prying I can't offer any more.)

Khrymsyn · 04-06-2009, 09:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by boratika

My only criticism is that you can't actually switch a light from off to off. But then, I don't really know anything about free-form poetry.

Actually, the only reason I have the multiple "offs" there is because I can't figure out a way to stop this damn BBS software from formatting my text incorrectly... so for spacing I did that. hah.

wonder if it would work better with ...

Indig0g1rl · 04-07-2009, 01:23 PM

Light switches can always be fixed. You just have to be willing to fix them.

pronounconnoun · 04-07-2009, 01:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by boratika

My only criticism is that you can't actually switch a light from off to off. But then, I don't really know anything about free-form poetry.

Unless it's broken....

boratika · 04-08-2009, 04:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pronounconnoun

Unless it's broken....

But you'd have to switch it from off to, like, super-off.

Then super-super-off!

Khrymsyn · 04-08-2009, 07:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by boratika

But you'd have to switch it from off to, like, super-off.
Then super-super-off!

Unless the switch SAAAAYS on... but still stays off. So you'd be switching from off to off, even though it said on. And we all know how dissapointing it is to be turned off when we were hoping to be turned on... errr... wait...

bean · 04-08-2009, 11:13 PM

Avoid naming emotions directly in poems. If you read great poets, their goal is to create emotion in the reader and they do that by creating images that create an emotional response.

Your poem is based on an interesting device. The idea of a roller-coaster of emotions that are flipped on and off like a light switch. Try thinking of ways to cleverly describe those emotions instead of saying them blatantly (Hint: describe the situation that made you feel that emotion as this will then create a relatable situation in the mind of the reader).

H.Bogard · 04-09-2009, 01:41 AM

What bean said.

Though sometimes a plain and simple poem that isn't trying too hard to be something is good for one's health, too.

Khrymsyn · 04-09-2009, 08:41 AM

Hey bean, thanks for the advice. At the time I wrote it, it was what H.Bogard said... more about trying to do something for my own mental health, but at the same time, your advice gives me good ideas for doing some things in a more "with a paintbrush" fashion instead of "with a sledgehammer".
I definitely think I'm going to take that advice and "shape" what I wrote here into something slightly different. Though, can't give a time frame as to when the "remake" would be posted for perusal ;-)

Karak · 04-15-2009, 11:06 AM

Become the bulb

pronounconnoun · 04-15-2009, 01:48 PM

My favorite light bulb jokes:

How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but the light bulb has to want to change.

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, the hard part is getting them in there.

Kielaran · 04-15-2009, 07:54 PM

How many DBZ characters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but it takes 5 episodes.

How many children with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb? Let's go ride bikes!

04-06-2009, 07:47 AM	#2
boratika Spacefaring Bii Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Québec, Québec Posts: 4,122 Blog Entries: 2	Sorry, just delete this? __________________ "Our opponent is an alien starship packed with atomic bombs," I said, "We have a protractor."

04-06-2009, 07:52 AM	#3
TheSilentDeath "I drink therefore I am" Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Bloomington/Normal, IL Posts: 958 Blog Entries: 5	Now I'm wondering what could Khrymsyn possible write that he would later want to delete? __________________ Gamertag: TheSilentDeath PSN ID: SilentTheDeath

04-06-2009, 09:23 AM	#5
boratika Spacefaring Bii Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Québec, Québec Posts: 4,122 Blog Entries: 2	My only criticism is that you can't actually switch a light from off to off. But then, I don't really know anything about free-form poetry. My almost helpful advice is that it gets better. Eventually it has to. (Well at least, without prying I can't offer any more.) __________________ "Our opponent is an alien starship packed with atomic bombs," I said, "We have a protractor."

04-09-2009, 01:41 AM	#12
H.Bogard Dear Internet, Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Dirkadirkistan Posts: 2,592 Blog Entries: 5	What bean said. Though sometimes a plain and simple poem that isn't trying too hard to be something is good for one's health, too. __________________ Tech Spotlight: Gaming and tech news all conveniently streamlined in one place. You scared the dick off me! - Become a fan now! Gamertag & SteamID: HBogard

04-15-2009, 11:06 AM	#14
Karak Always Trust in Violence Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Eugene Oregon Posts: 21,128 Blog Entries: 11	Become the bulb __________________ Game walkthroughs filled with Anarchy your thing? Come on over Walkthrough & Tutorial Youtube Channel Gamertag: Malanthrax

04-08-2009, 11:13 PM	#11
bean Banned Join Date: Sep 2008 Posts: 1,940	Avoid naming emotions directly in poems. If you read great poets, their goal is to create emotion in the reader and they do that by creating images that create an emotional response. Your poem is based on an interesting device. The idea of a roller-coaster of emotions that are flipped on and off like a light switch. Try thinking of ways to cleverly describe those emotions instead of saying them blatantly (Hint: describe the situation that made you feel that emotion as this will then create a relatable situation in the mind of the reader).

04-15-2009, 07:54 PM	#16
Kielaran Needs to NaNo Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Pittsburgh, PA Posts: 3,629 Blog Entries: 55	How many DBZ characters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but it takes 5 episodes. How many children with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb? Let's go ride bikes! __________________ Steam, iPhone and 360: Kielaran

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode