Most Amazing Complaint Letter EVAR

[Siraris]

Dear Mr Branson

REF: Mumbai to Heathrow 7th December 2008

I love the Virgin brand, I really do which is why I continue to use it despite a series of unfortunate incidents over the last few years. This latest incident takes the biscuit.

Ironically, by the end of the flight I would have gladly paid over a thousand rupees for a single biscuit following the culinary journey of hell I was subjected to at thehands of your corporation.

Look at this Richard. Just look at it: [see image 1, above].

I imagine the same questions are racing through your brilliant mind as were racing through mine on that fateful day. What is this? Why have I been given it? What have I done to deserve this? And, which one is the starter, which one is the desert?

You don’t get to a position like yours Richard with anything less than a generous sprinkling of observational power so I KNOW you will have spotted the tomato next to the two yellow shafts of sponge on the left. Yes, it’s next to the sponge shaft without the green paste. That’s got to be the clue hasn’t it. No sane person would serve a desert with a tomato would they. Well answer me this Richard, what sort of animal would serve a desert with peas in: [see image 2, above].

I know it looks like a baaji but it’s in custard Richard, custard. It must be the pudding. Well you’ll be fascinated to hear that it wasn't custard. It was a sour gel with a clear oil on top. It’s only redeeming feature was that it managed to be so alien to my palette that it took away the taste of the curry emanating from our miscellaneous central cuboid of beige matter. Perhaps the meal on the left might be the desert after all.

Anyway, this is all irrelevant at the moment. I was raised strictly but neatly by my parents and if they knew I had started desert before the main course, a sponge shaft would be the least of my worries. So lets peel back the tin-foil on the main dish and see what’s on offer.

I’ll try and explain how this felt. Imagine being a twelve year old boy Richard. Now imagine it’s Christmas morning and you’re sat their with your final present to open. It’s a big one, and you know what it is. It’s that Goodmans stereo you picked out the catalogue and wrote to Santa about.

Only you open the present and it’s not in there. It’s your hamster Richard. It’s your hamster in the box and it’s not breathing. That’s how I felt when I peeled back the foil and saw this: [see image 3, above].

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking it’s more of that Baaji custard. I admit I thought the same too, but no. It’s mustard Richard. MUSTARD. More mustard than any man could consume in a month. On the left we have a piece of broccoli and some peppers in a brown glue-like oil and on the right the chef had prepared some mashed potato. The potato masher had obviously broken and so it was decided the next best thing would be to pass the potatoes through the digestive tract of a bird.

Once it was regurgitated it was clearly then blended and mixed with a bit of mustard. Everybody likes a bit of mustard Richard.

By now I was actually starting to feel a little hypoglycaemic. I needed a sugar hit. Luckily there was a small cookie provided. It had caught my eye earlier due to it’s baffling presentation: [see image 4, above].

It appears to be in an evidence bag from the scene of a crime. A CRIME AGAINST BLOODY COOKING. Either that or some sort of back-street underground cookie, purchased off a gun-toting maniac high on his own supply of yeast. You certainly wouldn’t want to be caught carrying one of these through customs. Imagine biting into a piece of brass Richard. That would be softer on the teeth than the specimen above.

I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was relax but obviously I had to sit with that mess in front of me for half an hour. I swear the sponge shafts moved at one point.

Once cleared, I decided to relax with a bit of your world-famous onboard entertainment. I switched it on: [see image 5, above].

I apologise for the quality of the photo, it’s just it was incredibly hard to capture Boris Johnson’s face through the flickering white lines running up and down the screen. Perhaps it would be better on another channel: [see image 6, above].

Is that Ray Liotta? A question I found myself asking over and over again throughout the gruelling half-hour I attempted to watch the film like this. After that I switched off. I’d had enough. I was the hungriest I’d been in my adult life and I had a splitting headache from squinting at a crackling screen.

My only option was to simply stare at the seat in front and wait for either food, or sleep. Neither came for an incredibly long time. But when it did it surpassed my wildest expectations: [see image 7, above].

Yes! It’s another crime-scene cookie. Only this time you dunk it in the white stuff.

Richard…. What is that white stuff? It looked like it was going to be yoghurt. It finally dawned on me what it was after staring at it. It was a mixture between the Baaji custard and the Mustard sauce. It reminded me of my first week at university. I had overheard that you could make a drink by mixing vodka and refreshers. I lied to my new friends and told them I’d done it loads of times. When I attempted to make the drink in a big bowl it formed a cheese Richard, a cheese. That cheese looked a lot like your baaji-mustard.

So that was that Richard. I didn’t eat a bloody thing. My only question is: How can you live like this? I can’t imagine what dinner round your house is like, it must be like something out of a nature documentary.

As I said at the start I love your brand, I really do. It’s just a shame such a simple thing could bring it crashing to it’s knees and begging for sustenance.

Yours Sincererly

XXXX

SOURCE

I didn't notice this initially, but the images are all at the top, so scroll through to make sure you know what he's talking about.

[Seconds Out]

What do you expect flying from Mumbai? Guess he didnt see Slumdog Millionaire.

[Everyone vs Dinosaurs]

Haha, good read.

Thanks.



"Man Richard, you must like mustard."

[JRR1285]

I liked reading it without the pictures trying to imagine the horror. Then I saw the pictures and it was not far off. I don't know if I would have attempted to consume something like that.

[Lance Uppercut]

I like to read that with a British accent in mind.

[Rock Bandit]

Originally Posted by Lance Uppercut

I like to read that with a British accent in mind.

I read it in my mind with Yahtzee's voice myself.

[Xerxes]

The crime scene cookie is awesome.

[ShivaX]

Originally Posted by Rock Bandit

I read it in my mind with Yahtzee's voice myself.

I had Gordon Ramsey, probably because it was food and he kept using his name.

[ClannerDelta]

Thanks for that. The part about the gun-toting maniac high on his own supply of yeast had me in tears.

[Grifter]

You know you have some serious issues when the Brits start complaining about your food.

[Squidbot]

Originally Posted by Grifter

You know you have some serious issues when the Brits start complaining about your food.

Sorry, not enough burgers and deep fried chicken skin for you?

[ShivaX]

Originally Posted by Squidbot

Sorry, not enough burgers and deep fried chicken skin for you?

I'm sorry theres some simply horrific stuff in English cuisine. Black pudding for one. Jellied eels for another. Theres a lot of good stuff, but England is somewhat famous for their "dear god why" items on the menu.

[Squidbot]

Jellied eels are an abomination. Black pudding is lovely, have you ever tried it?

[ShivaX]

Originally Posted by Squidbot

Jellied eels are an abomination. Black pudding is lovely, have you ever tried it?

Just thinking about it makes me gag slightly. Yeah, yeah "you don't know what you're missing" and all that jazz. I have a blood phobia thing anyway so that doesn't help. I'd eat the eels before the pudding. I'd eat nearly anything before the pudding.

[Squidbot]

Do you eat steak?

[Raen]

I got some very odd looks while reading that in a lecture and attempting not to burst out laughing. Good work for finding it Siraris.

Originally Posted by ShivaX

I'm sorry theres some simply horrific stuff in English cuisine. Black pudding for one. Jellied eels for another. Theres a lot of good stuff, but England is somewhat famous for their "dear god why" items on the menu.

I don't know anyone who actually eats jellied eels. I used to live next to a fish market and I've never even heard anyone order jellied eels. I worked in a supermarket's fishmongers for a year and no one ever asked for jellied eels. It's a myth that we eat them. The only time I've ever seen them eaten is as a bet on TV shows etc... On the other hand black pudding is lovely. Only had it a couple of times, but it's awesome.

[ShivaX]

Originally Posted by Squidbot

Do you eat steak?

Love it. I'm not vegetarian by any means, but black pudding and its ilk are something I could never eat. Doesn't even really matter what it actually tastes like. I'll try anything, but not that. It goes with ham hocks and pigs feet in things I can't look at without feeling like I'm going to vomit.

[yeti]

Great letter

Black Pudding is fantastic, it probably has less rubbish in it than the average sausage or burger and taste like a little black piece of heaven

Interesting fact for any none brits, black pudding is already cooked when you buy it and can be eaten that way, though I'm not a fan and like to grill mine so it's crispy on the outside and moist on the in. mmmmm.

Jeez, you'd think it was Virgin's first time providing food...

[yeti]

Oh, I see what you did there