Dating Advice Thread

[J Arcane]

Originally Posted by Generation ABXY

I just saw your responses, Camel and J.

Trust me, dishonesty is not my intent. But if I could somehow have honesty and delicacy, that would be preferred. It's true, I may need to approach this with more of an open mind and perhaps I'm not giving her enough credit, but I spent most of the weekend becoming resigned to the possible implications of even broaching the subject. In my mind, it never played out well.

I don't suggest that you're intending to actually lie, just that you might choose to avoid the issue, whereas I think addressing it openly is the better way to go.

[Generation ABXY]

So, "sack up" seems to be the general consensus, here. Lot simpler than I'd thought.

[J Arcane]

Originally Posted by Generation ABXY

So, "sack up" seems to be the general consensus, here. Lot simpler than I'd thought.

As I'm learning, it often is.

[Gwinny]

I was going to say: discomfort around disabilities is really, really common, and you won't be the first man who was awkward with her. I'm sure she could tell it was throwing you off, too.

If there was no chemistry at all, just be honest about that. It doesn't make you an asshole.

If you found her compelling at all, you might want to think on why you feel unwilling or unable to take the time to get to know her and her disability. That might help in future, if you ever find yourself really drawn to someone in a similar situation.

But yeah, just be honest about feeling no chemistry, and don't string her along.

[Generation ABXY]

Well, there was chemistry, it just all seemed colored by my uncertainty. Hell, almost everything was. I'm still not sure if some of her more standoffish-seeming comments (she told me she was the staff photographer, for example) were jokes I was meant to laugh at or take a hint from. As you might imagine, I erred on the side of caution.

[J Arcane]

Originally Posted by Generation ABXY

Well, there was chemistry, it just all seemed colored by my uncertainty. Hell, almost everything was. I'm still not sure if some of her more standoffish-seeming comments (she told me she was the staff photographer, for example) were jokes I was meant to laugh at or take a hint from. As you might imagine, I erred on the side of caution.

And that's why I suggest just telling her about it. It did seem like you liked her otherwise, there's just this thing in the room that makes it uncomfortable for you, so just say it. You still risk being the asshole, sure, but you also have a chance by being open of breaking that ice and even letting her share her feelings about what it's like being blind and dealing with dating.

Be honest, be attentive, be tactful, but tell her what you're feeling. There's not as much risk to that as you think. And you might just turn awkward into awesome.

[MagGnome]

There's a school/community center for the deaf and blind near downtown Minneapolis, so we have a fairly large population of blind individuals living in the city. Most major intersections even have buttons you can push that will activate a voice that tells you when to cross and then counts down the amount of time left until the light turns red.

I'm always impressed at how self-sufficient these individuals are able to become after their schooling/training. You see these adults navigating the city and the bus system on their own with a walking stick, almost always while smiling and being generally cheerful. I'm not sure that I would be able to have such a bright outlook were I in that position, so I really admire them. I used to live a few blocks from the school, so I saw groups of students go through all of the stages of their training and rehabilitation - they were always adults, so I assume that the school is specifically for people who became blind in their teens or adulthood, perhaps?

There's one guy I've seen a few times who is really cute. One day I caught myself staring at him on the bus. I felt bad, and then I told myself that he couldn't see that I was staring, and then I felt even worse.


Edit - What really caught me off guard was this one time when a group of people with the walking sticks got on the bus. A girl from the group got off about six blocks later. As she was leaving she said "I'll see you guys later!" and they all giggled. I had to stifle a laugh myself.

[MagGnome]

Originally Posted by Purple Santa

Did you forget we were talking about Gen X here?

I didn't mean to sound so harsh, but his post basically said "This woman is gorgeous and amazing, but she's blind, and that makes me uncomfortable. How do I tell her I'm not interested without coming off as an asshole?"

As Gen X himself said, it's almost impossible for him not to seem at least a little asshole-ish in this situation. I didn't mean to disparage Gen X as a person or anything.

Originally Posted by maharahaj

Break up? They way he described it, it was a first date. He should just tell her that he had a fun time but did not feel any chemistry if she (or the uncle) inquires about a second date.

I think that is a pretty neutral way to handle the whole thing.

Break up was the wrong choice of words. I meant to say something like "break things off".

[Purple Santa]

Originally Posted by Generation ABXY

Well, there was chemistry, it just all seemed colored by my uncertainty. Hell, almost everything was. I'm still not sure if some of her more standoffish-seeming comments (she told me she was the staff photographer, for example) were jokes I was meant to laugh at or take a hint from. As you might imagine, I erred on the side of caution.

I like this woman. Talk to her about your feelings. I believe you will learn something.

Originally Posted by MagGnome

I didn't mean to sound so harsh, but his post basically said "This woman is gorgeous and amazing, but she's blind, and that makes me uncomfortable. How do I tell her I'm not interested without coming off as an asshole?"

As Gen X himself said, it's almost impossible for him not to seem at least a little asshole-ish in this situation. I didn't mean to disparage Gen X as a person or anything.

Don't apologize for pointing out his errant behavior. It's fine to feel uncomfortable, it's another to want to protect someone with a disability. From the little dialog Gen X has given, I think this woman is someone Gen X could use as a friend.

[Ink Asylum]

Generation, you've already gotten plenty of good advice that I would have given. You're completely justified in calling it off after one date for whatever reason you want, but I would highly recommending having a frank discussion with her before you do so, and don't try to weasel out by claiming you're bailing for some other reason.

Like others have said, you're not the first person she'll have ever dated that was put off by her disability, but you have the choice to rise above probably most other guys by manning up and telling her the truth. She may save you the trouble by telling you not to bother, or she may try to reassure you. She may be blind but that doesn't make her weak or pitiful. She's brave for going on dates, as she probably has to face much more rejection because of something she can't control than you ever will.

If you felt chemistry despite your discomfort, I would highly encourage you to take a chance on her, after confessing what you told us. At worst, you go on another date or two before deciding you just can't get over it. At best, you actually manage to get over your discomfort and become a better person, someone who's capable of having an adult relationship with someone that has a difficult disability.

And, hey, look for the positives. You said she's surprisingly chesty. You can safely stare at her tits the entire time you're talking to her and she'll never be able to call you on it.

[J Arcane]

Here is how cripplingly pathological my own honesty can be: I'm going to karaoke night.

Because I thought it'd be slightly sweet, and a good message starter for our next message since she likes karaoke too, I was going to message the current OKCupid girl something to the effect of "I'm on my way to my favorite karaoke night, and it made me think of you," and then tell her about my trip out to Eugene again this weekend and invite her on a date while I'm in town.

But I keep waffling on sending the message because I'm not actually leaving for another hour and a half or so, which means I'd technically be lying.

Even though that "lie" is about as completely fucking harmless as one could be and not even likely to matter to anyone at all but me, I keep hesitating to fire up the entry box to send the message.

Because I don't like lying to a woman. My momma done raised me that way.

Sometimes I hate my momma for that.

[Blue]

I think an hour-and-a-half constitutes "on your way". Or, rephrase it to "getting ready for" and start getting ready.

[J Arcane]

Originally Posted by Blue

I think an hour-and-a-half constitutes "on your way". Or, rephrase it to "getting ready for" and start getting ready.

I wound up using your rephrasing. Told her I would be in town this weekend and asked if she'd like to go out. Here's hoping she says yes! She seems pretty cool, and she's cute too. Glasses = +10 CHA after all.

Tonight though, is karaoke night, and I intend to party like I'm on vacation.

Because in a way, I pretty much am. I have a month here. No more, possibly less. Nothing I do here that doesn't end in prison time matters anymore.

So if I screw up something with a girl, what of it? With only like 3 more karaoke nights before I leave I probably won't even see her again.

Maybe a little extra abandon will be what I need to finally close the deal?

[Exodus]

Just tell her you're coming out to Eugene and was wondering what she thought of grabbing lunch/dinner and hanging out. Don't say that I was thinking of you crap she already knows you were thinking about her when ya texted her(it's an obvious trying to score points grab).

Keep the lamo dawson's creek crap out.

[civil_dead]

Exodus: Cutting through the crap since 2009.


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Sent from a phone so please forgive any grammatical, spelling or factual errors.

[J Arcane]

And too late anywayz I messaged her over an hour ago.

[J Arcane]

Oh yeah, and I got a date. She was busy nights, but she invited me to the Saturday market instead. Booya.

[Exodus]

She looked past your clumsy attempt at being sweet. She must like you. The entire colony has been waiting for the day you would become a happy poster and use your wit for good on these forums. We pray that you break open her mound and that she allow you access to her secret garden for all time.

(Please don't quote that last sentence.)

[civil_dead]

Exodus: Not knowing when to quit while he's ahead since 2012.


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Sent from a phone so please forgive any grammatical, spelling or factual errors.

[Exodus]

Originally Posted by civil_dead

Exodus: Not knowing when to quit while he's ahead since 2012.


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Sent from a phone so please forgive any grammatical, spelling or factual errors.

Oh come on I was working on that one for at least 10 minutes. :C

I just want him to be happy so he'll use his powers for good for once.