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Old 05-05-2012, 11:32 PM   #1
Bandango's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,093
My journalism thesis

So I just pulled the trigger and sent this link to my panel of readers. I'll be defending it this week. I'm also about to graduate, so this feels fucking great. I wanted to share it with you guys.

I wrote the piece, produced a radio story, and put together the videos on the page as well. Anyway, just wanted to share. Here it is:

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Old 05-06-2012, 12:50 AM   #2
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 1,940
Congratulations on graduating!

Unsolicited feedback (feel free to ignore, I've added spoiler tags to assist in ignoring if you like):

1. Editorials still need leads and you meandered. You wanted to place me in the car with you on your way to see Dan Ort's wife (I think), but as a reader I was confused. The most important thing to me is "Why should I give a shit about Dan Ort?" and your first paragraph didn't tell me. From what you wrote, he seems to be some kind of artist, but I don't know why he's important. . . to the world, to me personally, or at least to the narrator. Any of those can work.

2. Your details often come before your action. This is a subtle thing with narration and I have to go back and edit my own stuff for it. Story-telling generally gives details after the action (though sometimes before it). Basically, we should learn what someone or something looks like at the point that the narrator sees/examines them. Thus, a description of Ort's wife before your narrator has her come to the door is strange.

3. Didn't get further along in the story because of #1.
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Old 05-06-2012, 01:17 AM   #3
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,093
Thanks for the feedback. I forgot to solicit it! Please, anyone that does take the time to read, tell me what you think. And yeah, as Bean says, meandering happens for sure, so beware.

Also, if anyone doesn't feel like reading, here's a link to the radio story. Give it a listen:

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