Dating Advice Thread

[civil_dead]

Originally Posted by Joshkdmw

Kissed her on the cheek. It seemed appropriate given our physical intimacy thus far has been limited to a couple of hugs.

Also I am bad at initiating physical contact. Agressing makes ne uncomfortable and nervous. I prefer being aggressed upon.

Man up, Nancy boy.


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Sent from a phone so please forgive any grammatical, spelling or factual errors.

[Joshkdmw]

Originally Posted by civil_dead

Man up, Nancy boy.


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Sent from a phone so please forgive any grammatical, spelling or factual errors.

I reject that to be a man I must be physically aggressive. I have my own issues with body boundaries and I sort of have to live with them.

And before anyone points it out, I am aware that this will greatly decrease the frequency with which I get ass. Believe me, I am aware.

[civil_dead]

Originally Posted by Joshkdmw

I reject that to be a man I must be physically aggressive. I have my own issues with body boundaries and I sort of have to live with them.

And before anyone points it out, I am aware that this will greatly decrease the frequency with which I get ass. Believe me, I am aware.

If you are happy with your ass (or lack of) quotient, okey doke. IIRC, you have yet to dip into the well that is woman, no?

But, as someone who is well aware of body issues I encourage you to work through them, rather than let them guide you. Believe me, you will have some form of regret at how long you let that particular weight (pun intended) keep you down. I know I did, and I was getting laid. To the credit of women, they are more understanding and encouraging of this particular issue than you would believe.

Remember, one of my friends thought you'd be a good lover!


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Sent from a phone so please forgive any grammatical, spelling or factual errors.

[civil_dead]

P.S. I reject your rejection and your phrasing.


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Sent from a phone so please forgive any grammatical, spelling or factual errors.

[rifter]

Originally Posted by civil_dead

But, as someone who is well aware of body issues I encourage you to work through them, rather than let them guide you. Believe me, you will have some form of regret at how long you let that particular weight (pun intended) keep you down. I know I did, and I was getting laid. To the credit of women, they are more understanding and encouraging of this particular issue than you would believe.

I pretty much concur with Civil on this one. You have to master yourself. And I have had that same problem you are seeing. I finally REALLY overcame it, to the great joy of my girlfriend. She was really shy too... She knew to show me SOME interest, but kept messing it up. I finally went for it, and she knew I liked her, and she reciprocated. Sometimes, you just have to go for it, put your cards on the table... so to speak.

[torrefaction]

Originally Posted by rifter

Sometimes, you just have to go for it, put your cards cock on the table... so to speak.

Fixed that for you.

[Bone]

Torrefaction's cards all have cocks.

[Joshkdmw]

Originally Posted by civil_dead

If you are happy with your ass (or lack of) quotient, okey doke. IIRC, you have yet to dip into the well that is woman, no?

I've dipped a toe in, so to speak, but haven't gone for a proper swim yet.

Originally Posted by rifter

I pretty much concur with Civil on this one. You have to master yourself. And I have had that same problem you are seeing. I finally REALLY overcame it, to the great joy of my girlfriend. She was really shy too... She knew to show me SOME interest, but kept messing it up. I finally went for it, and she knew I liked her, and she reciprocated. Sometimes, you just have to go for it, put your cards on the table... so to speak.

I know, and what you both say makes sense. I'm going to try and be open to it and if I sense an opportunity, to move forward with it. I'm just scared to death about pushing this sort of thing before it's time. I'm scared of assuming liberties with someone's body. I'll grant you that's not what's happening, but I just... don't like making assumptions.

Man, I really need to self-assess on this one. It's one of those issues that's so easy to ignore when it's not a clear and present danger. Last time I was comfortable with someone physically, she progresssed emotionally waaayy too fast and it got claustrophobic. Maybe that has something to do with the persistent fear. *shrug*

[civil_dead]

It might, Josh. But I also know very well how the feelings about one's body can keep someone from becoming the best lover they can be to their partner. And often times from even approaching someone in the first place. When I was 100 pounds heavier than I am now I was so ashamed of my body, so embarrassed to take my clothes off (yet alone take initiative) that I didn't fully develop sexually in the way I could have. Then I met a woman who was way, way, way beyond my "league" and her tenderness, her grace, her acceptance was critical in my own acceptance (and eventual change) of my body. I understood so much more, became a better lover. Losing the weight only magnified that (exponentially) and now I am very confident in my abilities as a lover.

I also challenge your whole "assuming liberties" defense as really just another symptom of this. Again, I speak from experience. There is a difference between an man-handling asshole and an assertive (yet loving) partner.

[Kielaran]

Josh, if you are this concerned about it, you could tell her that you would not be offended by her stopping you if she feels uncomfortable. This may make you more comfortable in the long run and more communication is always a good thing.

[Purple Santa]

Originally Posted by Kielaran

Josh, if you are this concerned about it, you could tell her that you would be offended by her stopping you if she feels uncomfortable. This may make you more comfortable in the long run and more communication is always a good thing.

Listen to the man who climbed walls to find his soulmate.

[wyeast]

Originally Posted by Kielaran

... tell her that you would be offended by her stopping you if she feels uncomfortable.

I'm not sure I read this right, it came across as a bit off out-of-context.

You don't want her to believe you'd be offended by her stopping you. Just that you're uncomfortable pushing her faster than she wants to go in the first place.

That being said, my (limited) experience has been that women are pretty good about not letting you go too fast if you give yourself little pauses at each step. You don't want to literally say "is this ok?" at each step, women seem to get a little turned off if you're that meek about it. But a little non-verbal "just checking" gives her enough of an opening to let you know if she wants to keep going.

Yes, it's kind of a stupid fine line to walk, but we are stupid emotional animals.

Bonus: Taking pauses to savour the moment prevents you from appearing like a hungry dog going "OMG OMG OMG IMMA GONNA GET SOME". Come up for air every now and then.

[Kielaran]

Oops, there was supposed to be a not in there. That's what I get from posting from my phone.

What I was going for was that though (or maybe because) they have agreed to take it slow, it seems Josh is afraid to push it, lest he be considered going faster than she was suggesting. If he was to be up front about not wanting to take things faster than she was comfortable with and opening the door for her to stop him at any given moment, then he would need to have less hesitations when trying to move forward, given that he was able to place her firmly in her comfort zone before trying anything.

[Exodus]

I like eye contact. The first time my girlfriend wanted to blow me she just pointed to her mouth really shyly.

[Joshkdmw]

What you all say makes good sense. Thanks to you civil, especially - I might be dealing with some similar issues.

I'm gonna try and keep all this stuff in mind for the future, and do some actual thinking on it.

[rifter]

Originally Posted by Joshkdmw

I know, and what you both say makes sense. I'm going to try and be open to it and if I sense an opportunity, to move forward with it. I'm just scared to death about pushing this sort of thing before it's time. I'm scared of assuming liberties with someone's body. I'll grant you that's not what's happening, but I just... don't like making assumptions.

I understand what you are saying, and have suffered for it, too. (like half of my dates last year... ;-) But, I got better. It is not so much as sensing the opportunity, as MAKING the opportunity.

Just move up. Take her hand... does she allow it? Put your arm around her. Does she tense up, kind of push you away, or melt into you?

At least step, go slowly a little further. When she reaches her limit, you should be able to tell by her tensing, not reciprocating, or moving away. At that point, pull back yourself, and rest at the last place she was comfortable with.

Most of the times, sparks don't happen "naturally". Someone has to take the initiative to make them, if they don't, the embers burn out before they have a chance to explode. And... that is a simple metaphor that sounds FAR worse than I mean it. ;-)

[J Arcane]

[Joshkdmw]

Been texting bunches with Linguist girl. Managed to bring up I occasionally smoke, and she says that it's no deal breaker.

That is fantastic news.

[Purple Santa]

Originally Posted by Joshkdmw

Been texting bunches with Linguist girl. Managed to bring up I occasionally smoke, and she says that it's no deal breaker.

That is fantastic news.

Look at above cartoon. Girls lie. They are not trust worthy. They don't tell you how they really feel. You have been warned. Better quit now.

[Psykoboy2]

Originally Posted by Joshkdmw

Been texting bunches

Read that as "bitches" at first.