General life and career advice needed

[Purple Santa]

Originally Posted by Ink Asylum

I was listening to a podcast where a therapist mentioned that one of the best ways to get guys to open up and talk about their problems was to put them in a situation where they didn't have to look anyone in the eyes. The examples she gave were when the guy and someone else are on a car ride together, or just as simple as giving him some modelling clay he can focus on while he talks.

Online seems like a great way, too.

Was she talking about adult males or males in general? I agree with this. What I do with my individuals, who at this time are adolescent boys, is to help them feel comfortable to talk I take them out in our agency van. We don't end up going anywhere particular but we ride around Philadelphia. I call it van therapy . I kind of stumbled upon it on this job but it does work. It also involves getting some fast food to eat which helps but they end up talking in the van. The not making eye contact certainly makes sense.

I'm going to try that clay idea. I often have play-doh. I have noticed if you give someone something to distract themselves then they will open up to talk.

Originally Posted by BigJonno

I found the will to actually do some stuff today. I woke up and decided to tidy my room, which is a pretty big deal. I wasn't at the "piles of crockery with stuff growing all over it" stage, but I wasn't too far off. I spent an hour or so working on that, then hit the shower and headed over to my local GP to register. I'm just sorting out the paperwork I need to take with me and I'll be back over there at 2pm to get it all sorted.

This is great to hear. Just getting up and moving is a big help for yourself. I'm glad you were feeling a bit better today.

@Karak: I didn't hate your advice. I think it's always helpful for others to mention what works for them. Even if none of the what you tried is used by the other person, you went and supported someone. Sometimes it's the support itself that makes all the difference. As for the TR stuff, it worked for you and I could see that helping others. I'm always open to hear what worked for others.

[Ink Asylum]

Originally Posted by Purple Santa

I'm going to try that clay idea. I often have play-doh. I have noticed if you give someone something to distract themselves then they will open up to talk.

She actually said play-doh, I just figured I'd go generic.

I actually had a really great conversation opening up with my brother in ways that I never have before while on an hour long car ride together, so I very much support this advice.

[Widgetcraft]

You sound a lot like me, Jonno. I don't have any advice for you because I'm currently trapped in a horrible situation that I can't seem to get myself out of. Right now I'm trying to go back to school (again, even though I fucking hate college), with the idea being that I'll be able to use some of the student loan money to get an apartment in a new city (where the school is), get an entry level job in the industry I want to work in so that I can get a year and a half of experience there, and then get a better degree that will allow me to advance to a decent job. Still, it seems like every time I get excited for some new way out, I just get bitch-slapped by reality and sent reeling into depression again.

I guess I'm just letting you know that you're not alone in the horrible spiral of depression, failure and disappointment. I'm not sure that's helpful, but I find it reassuring that I'm not the only one struggling with life.

[Karak]

Originally Posted by BigJonno

I think that would be a brilliant idea. It could help a lot of people.

Karak, I will look into that. I'm open to anything at this point.

I found the will to actually do some stuff today. I woke up and decided to tidy my room, which is a pretty big deal. I wasn't at the "piles of crockery with stuff growing all over it" stage, but I wasn't too far off. I spent an hour or so working on that, then hit the shower and headed over to my local GP to register. I'm just sorting out the paperwork I need to take with me and I'll be back over there at 2pm to get it all sorted.

No problem. IF you need help finding them I can get them to you. A couple Cog'ers have listened to and discuss them on PM's somewhat regularly.

Some of his stuff about identifying good day rituals and bad day rituals and modeling everyday to those good day rituals was insanely useful for me. I found little things I did that almost promised I would have a bad day, or focus on bad things, despite good things happening in that same day. It was pretty insane to find such an easy to identify aspect of my life. Then from there each bit made more and more sense.
The coolest thing is he helps and understands that everyone is different and there were so many ways that just KNOWING I could try something else was fucking exciting.

Originally Posted by Purple Santa

@Karak: I didn't hate your advice. I think it's always helpful for others to mention what works for them. Even if none of the what you tried is used by the other person, you went and supported someone. Sometimes it's the support itself that makes all the difference. As for the TR stuff, it worked for you and I could see that helping others. I'm always open to hear what worked for others.

And he makes no bones about the fact that he listened to and studied people with various aspects of their lives that made them successful in particular areas, including a ton of psychology and people in that field. I think with him its mainly delivery and how he puts his presentation into focus with very easy and understandable actions.

All I can say is, its great to see someone's face when they actually pick something up from the lessons and sort of go..."Oh shit...I SEE!"

Andy, a coworker of Ronin and mine was that way. I mean you could see him come to work and the fucking attitude totally changed each day until one day he came in and was like, "I know what I want and what I need to do."

He is doing something he loves. This from a guy who literally was never happy. I man...lord it was hard sometimes being around him. He left our company an almost different person. And its cool to know that everyone slips and falls back into old routines and some of the lessons cover that as well.

Other than a couple Martial Arts instructors who really taught me about confidence in life, and my parents who tried to teach me right, I would say that those lessons have stuck with me the most.

To put it into perspective.

Life changing moments for me 1 to 5
1 Parents
2 Tony Robbins
3 cancer
4 getting shot
5 stabbed

Its pretty clear that if it ranks above cancer as a life changing event its pretty powerful. Though I find cancer is a cause for change and maybe a motivator but many times it has no rules around it. When you get done you are like man "I see things differently" but as a life changer its hard to define WHAT you see differently after cancer. Versus the other things.

[Purple Santa]

Originally Posted by Widgetcraft

I guess I'm just letting you know that you're not alone in the horrible spiral of depression, failure and disappointment. I'm not sure that's helpful, but I find it reassuring that I'm not the only one struggling with life.

It has been interesting to see in this thread how a few have come out to support Big J with your own stories. This is exactly what a support group does. You don't need to provide answers. It's about talking among yourselves making each other realize "no you are not alone". I think it's awesome to all those that have shared their thoughts and feelings with Big J.

@Ink: Thanks for all the validation today. Sometimes when I have these "crazy ideas" I often feel like is this real therapy or is this something i'm doing to avoid doing "real" therapy.

[Ink Asylum]

No problem, Purps.

[Shieldmaiden]

The good news is that I have a prescription for anti-depressants. The bad news is that my finances have hit crisis point. I can't actually afford the prescription charges. Or food. I'm currently in the process of applying for some financial help, however the phone lines are currently so busy that the hold queue is full, so I may have to call back first thing in the morning when it's less busy.

[Shieldmaiden]

I've been thinking about keeping some kind of diary. This is the result. I can make ANYTHING about videogames.

[Squidbot]

"This blog is my record of improving my life, one step at a time."
I like this.

[Purple Santa]

This is brilliant.

I am going to try this with some of my clients. I think there maybe a research project in here.

Big J, I think you are doing an awesome job with yourself. I'm working on the idea for an online support group. If I look for a leader for such a group, I might look to you. Don't worry, it's not something that is happening tomorrow, but i'm trying to see what I need to do this.

[VerseD]

Taking a moment out of time to pause, lay down the weight of life, and appreciate what is around you -- I like the idea, difficult as it can be. Can't wait to see what is at the end of this tunnel.

[Purple Santa]

Originally Posted by VerseD

Taking a moment out of time to pause, lay down the weight of life, and appreciate what is around you -- I like the idea, difficult as it can be. Can't wait to see what is at the end of this tunnel.

I said something similar to a client in a group therapy session once. I loved his answer which was " I know what awaits me. A fucking speeding train. I'm depressed of course that is what i'm going to say. WTF are you doing about my depression"?

The answer hit me as being very funny and I had to take a few seconds to answer. But I really did like his answer.

[Shieldmaiden]

Good news everyone! I move back to Peterborough on Saturday. I can't wait to get out of here and actually have some company. It's been three weeks since I spoke more than two sentences to anyone, with the exception of my doctor.

[Squidbot]

That is very good news. This happened really quite quickly too. Good decision.

[Purple Santa]

Thanks for the update Big J. Good to read things are looking a bit better for you.

[GunnyMo]

Originally Posted by Purple Santa

Your years of limping and false starts are most likely affects from your depression. Reading your post, I'd say much of how you see your lack of progress are typical symptoms of depression. It seems you have done a good job to overcome them on your own. You might not have the results you might have seen for yourself that you wanted, but knowing from what you have posted about your personal issues, you've dealt with and overcome quite a bit by yourself.

I'm glad you are going to see a doctor. I'm not one to push meds, but if they are needed the better. Mood stabilizers though work better with talk therapy. I think you have a lot of strengths to work with. I'd find a talk therapist that focuses on your strengths, one that can work with you to guide you to what YOU want. As i've said before around CoG when discussing talk therapy, you are the consumer. If you don't like the therapist, then get another one. Never feel the therapist knows all. Not all therapists fit every individual. I think seeing your doctor and if you choose a talk therapist, is the first steps to helping yourself.

I agree with the Purple One. I'm government certified disabled with PTSD/Severe Depression. It took about 17 years of on again/off again therapy with a final suggestion from my mother to get that concrete diagnosis. It then took another two years or so of different therapists until I found a brilliant one that fit well with me.

I do take meds (I couldn't function without them) but continued therapy (and group therapy when you can get it...it's amazing how your outlook can improve when you realize you aren't the only crazy one out there ).

Then best advice I can give is this: don't stop taking your meds unless you and your doctor/therapist agree to try it in a controlled way. I can't tell you how many times I started feeling better and thought, "Well, I guess I don't need these meds anymore 'cause I'm feeling fine!" Six to eight months later I'd be back at the bottom of the well again and need meds once more. I feel meds alone won't cure all your ills but in conjunction with therapy they work wonders.

I can't give you much career advice, I'm afraid. My job history sounds like it's very similar to yours and, at this point, I'm unemployable. lol

I understand the turning 30 bit. My turning 30 (and the few years preceding it) was so bad my family threw me a funeral party. That really helped.

[Purple Santa]

Gunny, that was awesome. Great words coming from someone who has been through this. It's not only nice to read how much better you are doing, but you reach out to support others. If I can ever get my online support group going, your door is one i'll be knocking on.

[GunnyMo]

Originally Posted by Purple Santa

Gunny, that was awesome. Great words coming from someone who has been through this. It's not only nice to read how much better you are doing, but you reach out to support others. If I can ever get my online support group going, your door is one i'll be knocking on.

I do what I can.

I don't know how "much better" I'm doing, though. That's a point of contention between me and my shrink. She says she sees improvement; I say I'm getting nowhere. lol We're both right.

Anyway, I'd be happy to do what little I can when needed.

Also, great news Big J. Glad to hear there is some progress.

[Purple Santa]

Originally Posted by GunnyMo

I don't know how "much better" I'm doing, though. That's a point of contention between me and my shrink. She says she sees improvement; I say I'm getting nowhere. lol We're both right.

Anyway, I'd be happy to do what little I can when needed.
.

That's a contention and/or dance most therapists/clients do. I see it as a healthy exchange. Seeing where you were, I'd say you are doing much better. Success is what you make of it. I tell my clients, success is success. A small step a big one or even bigger...moving forward is just that...moving forward. Before you know it those small successes become a journey well traveled

And you did more than a "little".

[GunnyMo]

Originally Posted by Purple Santa

That's a contention and/or dance most therapists/clients do. I see it as a healthy exchange.

There's nothing worse than having your shrink poke at you until you finally
cry, "Stop, stop! Fine...I did accomplish something". lol