http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/blog.php This is a discussion forum powered by vBulletin. To find out about vBulletin, go to http://www.vbulletin.com/ . en Thu, 23 May 2013 04:07:31 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/blog.php http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/blog.php?b=1317 Thu, 16 May 2013 19:10:32 GMT I had a really crappy day. I took a quick trip out to pick up a few household bits and I had more stares, nasty looks and whispered comments in half... I had a really crappy day. I took a quick trip out to pick up a few household bits and I had more stares, nasty looks and whispered comments in half an hour than I've had in the last couple of weeks. It really hit me hard and I was close to tears when I got home.

It's the knock on effect that is the difficult part. I felt ugly, freakish and about as feminine as a brick. The gender dysphoria was overwhelming. I just wanted to feel pretty and girly, and I couldn't.

I know this is going to happen. I'm going to get days like this, it's something that I'm going to have to deal with. I can deal with it, I've dealt with much worse in my thirty years on this planet. That doesn't mean it doesn't really, really suck. ]]> Shieldmaiden http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/blog.php?b=1317 http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/blog.php?b=1316 Fri, 10 May 2013 09:26:39 GMT Okay, this is a day late, but yesterday marked a week of full-time womanising. Wait, that came out wrong.

:D

Jokes aside, it's been great. I've been out with friends and on my own. Not done anything spectacular, just doing the usual stuff, just as a woman. It's surprising how quickly it's become normal, but I guess for me, it is normal. It's the having to have been a man that wasn't right.

In other good news, after getting on to a local councillor friend of my mum's, my housing benefit has been sorted out. It looks like I'm going to have to fight over the backdating, but I'm going to be able to hand my housemate a large pile of cash and my rent will be covered until I find work. As you can imagine, this is a massive weight off my mind. The situation was causing a big strain on our friendship, which resulted in triple stress and worry for me (stressed about the money, stressed that I was causing my friend to be short on money, stressed about things being difficult between us.) That means another big boost to my mental health.

Yay for me! ]]> Shieldmaiden http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/blog.php?b=1316 http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/blog.php?b=1315 Fri, 03 May 2013 08:35:43 GMT Yesterday was a big day for me, I went out as a woman for the first time. It was literally the scariest thing I've ever had to do. I was meeting a friend in town, but that meant I had to get on a bus and travel into town on my own. It was seriously nerve-wracking, but the experience was okay. I got a few second glances, but if I'm any good at reading facial expressions, I'd say they were more "Damn, he's tall, wait, that's a woman!" than "Look at that giant tranny!" Once I was with my friend, I was completely relaxed. I tried on a bunch of stuff in one shop and used the (attended) women's changing facilities with no problems whatsoever, which felt amazing.

I didn't actually buy much, because the main store I wanted to go to wasn't open for late night shopping and the place that does carry stuff in my size, while not expensive, is out of my meagre budget for now (after I've paid my bills and allowed for very basic food, I have £18 a week. That has to cover transport, which is £3.70 to get into town and back on the bus, toiletries, household cleaning products, clothes, everything.) I did pick up a long, black skirt in the sale as it's a staple item that I'm going to get a lot of use from.

The hardest thing to find, even online, is shoes. I'm a UK size 13 and the specialist large women's shoe stores I've found seem to stop at a 12. Ironically, if I wanted kinky boots with 6" heels, I'd be golden, but so far it looks like my choices are limited to gender-neutral stuff like Converse. Damn drag queens! *Shakes fist* ]]> Shieldmaiden http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/blog.php?b=1315 http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/blog.php?b=1314 Tue, 30 Apr 2013 13:58:06 GMT It's been confirmed that I'll be getting money either tomorrow or Thursday, which is fantastic news. The waiting absolutely sucks, though. I'm really bored and sick of eating ramen.

To make myself feel a little better, I used the last of my little foundation sampler and prettied myself up. ]]> Shieldmaiden http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/blog.php?b=1314 http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/blog.php?b=1313 Thu, 25 Apr 2013 17:56:50 GMT *200.37* *172.40* A little bit of addition and subtraction leaves me with a balance of $172.40. I suppose from here on out it gets a little... [strike]200.37[/strike]
172.40


A little bit of addition and subtraction leaves me with a balance of $172.40. I suppose from here on out it gets a little more complicated because I am starting to receive credits and gift cards.

Purchased:
Jetpack Joyride Counterfeit Machine $2.49
Jetpack Joyride 20K Coin Pack $1.49
PSN Plus UK Subcription Card $58.99

Total Purchases.....$62.97

Credits:
Gift Card $25.00
PSN Credit $10.00

Total Credits.....$35.00 ]]> rein http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/blog.php?b=1313 http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/blog.php?b=1312 Tue, 23 Apr 2013 17:27:17 GMT The clothes that I ordered haven't arrived. I'll ring them up in the morning to find out what's going on. To make myself feel better, I bit the bullet and used the red hair dye that my sister gave me. I've never dyed my hair before, I'll let you know how it goes. ]]> Shieldmaiden http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/blog.php?b=1312 http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/blog.php?b=1311 Sat, 20 Apr 2013 09:34:20 GMT Now I don't need to put "My Trans Diary" at the top any more. Sorted.

I crashed at my mum's place on Thursday night, as I often do when I'm over there late. When I got back to mine, I decided to put on some of the make-up my sister gave me. It wasn't anything extreme, just eye liner, mascara and lip gloss, but it felt great. I'd not applied my own make-up before (when I cross-dressed previously, my ex did it) but I have a steady hand from years of painting miniatures, so I did a pretty good job.

I then spent the day doing normal stuff. I laughed at myself for putting on make-up just to clean the kitchen and do the washing up, but I'm trying to get used to it all. I also took my first steps outside! Okay, it was only two yards from my front door to my bins to take the rubbish out, but still, outside!

I also ordered some clothes from a catalogue. I'd been meaning to set up an account with one of these home shopping places as it's a great way to rebuild your credit rating (and I really need to do that anyway.) I've not gone crazy, just a couple of tops, a bra, panties and a pair of jeans. This is partly because I wanted to make sure I could afford it and partly so I don't have much to send back if I've got the sizing wrong. It should all be here on Tuesday, apart from the jeans which are going to take a little longer. It will mean I can dress "en femme," as they say, around the house and think about going out dressed. I do need to get some decent foundation before I can go out though, gotta disguise the facial hair. I've got to grab a better razor as well. I've only got some crappy disposables that I've had sitting around forever.

I also came out to a whole bunch of people over Facebook, real-life friends who I don't get to see all that often. Everyone was really supportive and the friend I was going to ask to go clothes shopping with me immediately offered to go clothes shopping with me (stating the reason I was going to ask her as well, I trust her to be brutally honest. She's also got excellent taste.) There was one person who was a bit confused by it all and had a lot of questions, but there was no negativity. I really have assembled an amazing collection of friends, both online and off. ]]> Shieldmaiden http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/blog.php?b=1311 http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/blog.php?b=1310 Fri, 19 Apr 2013 11:27:14 GMT I went to see my GP yesterday afternoon. It was pretty positive overall. She was understanding but, as I expected, not exactly knowledgeable about... I went to see my GP yesterday afternoon. It was pretty positive overall. She was understanding but, as I expected, not exactly knowledgeable about the NHS procedures for trans people. I'd done my reading, so at least I knew how things were supposed to go and what I wanted from here.

Long story short, she wants me to try out presenting as a woman as much as possible over the next few weeks, then go back and speak to her again. I'm cool with that. It's what I was going to do anyway and I understand her wanting me to get some practical experience under my belt, so to speak.

I'm now just waiting for the bloody Department of Work and Pensions to pull their collective finger out and give me the money I'm entitled to so I can actually buy some clothes. (I've had no money whatsoever for two months now and been living off charity food banks and whatever my family can spare.) My sister gave me a little bag of make-up last night, which made me really happy.

So the trans stuff is good, the financial stuff is still a horrible pit of crap, but the former is allowing me to deal with the latter a hell of a lot better. If it wasn't for the fact that my situation was putting financial pressure on my housemate, it wouldn't bother me at all. ]]> Shieldmaiden http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/blog.php?b=1310 http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/blog.php?b=1309 Thu, 18 Apr 2013 10:26:28 GMT A few people expressed an interest in knowing more about my journey and, since I wanted to keep a journal anyway, I figured I may as well do it here.... A few people expressed an interest in knowing more about my journey and, since I wanted to keep a journal anyway, I figured I may as well do it here. You'll see that, like in most things, I crack a lot of jokes about it. Feel free to do the same in time-honoured CoG fashion. My family and I were laughing about it within five minutes of my coming out. I'm also going to be very frank and very open. I may talk about sex. You have been warned.

To give a very, very brief background, I have been uncertain about my gender identity since I was a child. If there was a magic gender change pill, I probably would have taken it in my teens. I first entertained transitioning seven years ago and I've been seriously thinking it over for the past couple of years.

I think I've had three major mental obstacles to saying "Yes, I'm a trans woman!" Funnily enough, actually coming out to people wasn't a big one of those. If you can tell people you're a LARPer, you can tell them anything.

My height has been a big one (pun intended). I'm 6'5", that's unusually tall for a man, let alone a woman. The fear of public ridicule is an issue for any trans person, especially trans women, but when you're literally head and shoulders above the crowd, you worry about it even more. In terms of making the decision to actually transition, it was the last one I had to overcome. To do so took a healthy dose of "Well, fuck other people" and focussing on the physical characteristics that will make it easier to pass: I have no visible Adam's apple, long hair, full lips and a tiny nose. I have gynaecomastia (that's actual man boobs, as opposed to just being fat man boobs) which runs in my family. My late uncle and my cousin both had to have theirs removed, I get a leg-up on growing boobs.

The other two are both related to stereotypes of trans people and the attitudes held by some trans people. Firstly, I've never had any kind of deep loathing of my body. There's a popular image of trans people hating their wrongly-gendered bodies from an early age. I've never felt that, instead I've been sort of indifferent, detached even. I'm not entirely comfortable in it and it doesn't feel like me, it's just a meatsuit that me inhabits.

On top of that, there is an opinion held by some, even by some trans people, that having any kind of sexual desire to be the opposite sex means that you're not trans, you're just some kind of fetishist. I have never been able to picture myself as male in any kind of sexual situation. Not while masturbating, not in sexual dreams, not while actually having sex. It was actually this that made me realise that I was not happy being a guy. Being male day-to-day was tolerable, but being intimate with someone? Ugh, no. Didn't like it one bit. It's not the genitalia either, it's everything else.

Anyway, I got over both of those by simply reading more about the subject. I discovered that there was a massive range of different experiences of being trans, and I was far from abnormal, or even uncommon.

So, coming up to more recent events, I came to the absolute, 100% certain conclusion that I was a trans woman a couple of weeks ago and made the decision to transition completely within a few days of that. This week I have come out to my immediate family, my housemate and you reprobates. So far, I have had nothing but support, love and understanding. I couldn't have hoped for a more positive experience.

On a practical level, the beard is gone, I've been taming my unruly eyebrows (not to the extent of being clearly feminine, that won't happen until I'm ready to live as a woman full-time) and attacking my body hair. I've started with my arms and hands, simply because those are the bits I can see when I'm fully clothed.

I'm really excited to go shopping for clothes and make-up. I used to cross-dress in private using my ex's stuff (with her knowledge and approval) but as most of you, my financial situation hasn't been great since my divorce and I've barely been able to support myself, let alone indulge myself in that respect. However, now I've made the decision to transition, it's become a much bigger priority. I'm going to be dressing as a woman at home as soon as I'm able, simply to get used to it all. One thing I will be avoiding is the common tendency for trans women to immediately rush out and buy their fantasy clothes, leading to them wearing stuff that would look bad on any woman of their age. Another reason that I'm going to take it fairly slow is that I don't see the point in rushing out and buying clothes that aren't going to fit in a few months. With the weight I've lost, most of my clothes are already too big for me. I've still got a long way to go, but my weight loss is steady and I hope to be down to my ideal weight within a year.

That said, I definitely need to find places that do good nerdy t-shirts in larger women's sizes.

I've made an appointment to see my GP this afternoon. I'm a bit nervous, but I've spoken to my family (who have been at the surgery for longer than I have) and picked the doctor they think is going to be most receptive. I figure I'm just going to come out and say "I'm trans, I want to medically transition, make it so!"

I've also got a new email address and G+ account, so feel free to add caelyn.ellis@gmail.com. ]]> Shieldmaiden http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/blog.php?b=1309 http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/blog.php?b=1308 Sat, 02 Mar 2013 18:00:33 GMT [strike]250.36[/strike]
200.37

I'm doing much better at not spending money on gaming than I imagined I would. I know it doesn't take much to watch my balance drop but I am proud of myself up to this point. Especially since the majority of my purchases are for subscriptions that provide a lot of gaming and carry through the rest of the year.

My spending today, $49.99 to resub PS Plus. I know that purchase carries into next year but I have been living off of last years sub up to this point. Fair is fair.

Now let's see how I manage to get through the remaining months with the PS4 launch looming.... ]]> rein http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/blog.php?b=1308 http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/blog.php?b=1307 Sun, 06 Jan 2013 21:18:35 GMT *$400 250.36* With the first week of 2013 coming to an end I have already taken a chunk out of my $400 gaming budget. That being said, I think I... [strike]$400[/strike]
250.36

With the first week of 2013 coming to an end I have already taken a chunk out of my $400 gaming budget. That being said, I think I made out very well. Here is this weeks additions to my gaming library.

GoG: $21.41

• Baldur's Gate: The Original Saga
• Baldur's Gate 2 Complete
• Planescape: Torment
• Neverwinter Nights: Diamond Edition
• Icewind Dale Complete
• The Temple of Elemental Evil
• Forgotten Realms: Demon Stone
• Dungeons & Dragons: Dragonshard
• Icewind Dale 2 Complete

Gamefly: $102.90

• 12 Months of Gamefly

Amazon: $17.99

• The Secret World

PSN: $7.34

• Tokyo Jungle
• NBA Jam: On Fire Edition (PSN+)
• Jet Pack Joy Ride (PSN+)

]]> rein http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/blog.php?b=1307 http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/blog.php?b=1306 Wed, 02 Jan 2013 02:02:18 GMT Today being the day we all make resolutions goals for our lives I have decided to make one about my gaming and spending habits. TBH, I have not... Today being the day we all make [strike]resolutions[/strike] goals for our lives I have decided to make one about my gaming and spending habits. TBH, I have not really been playing video games all that much recently and my spending on them isn't out of control. However, I do plan to start playing more in 2013 and I decided to make it a little bit more challenging.

I'm sure most have already seen my goal posted on the message board but I will repeat it here for tracking purposes. Simple, $400 total for the year. The dollar amount different to that goal will be donated to Child's Play.

With the goal set I have my first update and I am starting fast.

Today's Update
[strike]$400.00[/strike]
$271.77

12 Months of Gamefly
$15.95 (+ Tax) x 6 = $102.90
Here is the scoop. Gamefly has gift certificates available for 2 month increments for the same price as a 1 month subscription. There is a limit of 5 but it seems to reset after a day or so. I decided to be greedy and picked up a years worth over the last couple of days.

Tokyo Jungle (PS3)
$7.34
Available on PSN winter sale. I also downloaded 9 free costumes available from the PSN Store.

NBA Jam: On Fire Edition (PS3)
$0.00
Free on PSN+
I'm using promotional PSN+ time until it expires in April. Yay! Free stuff.

The Secret World (PC)
$17.99
Available on Amazon during their New Years sale. ]]> rein http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/blog.php?b=1306 http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/blog.php?b=1305 Wed, 28 Nov 2012 12:46:33 GMT What's this blog button? I click it, and there's my own blog thing? Whoa! Who allowed that? Is this thing on? HAAAAAA. Hello?

My wife went out of town for a meeting. As soon as she left, I went to the back room, turned on the PC, and started Skyrimming. It was satisfying in away, but the solo experience left something to be desired. ]]> Reverant http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/blog.php?b=1305 http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/blog.php?b=1304 Tue, 13 Nov 2012 04:47:15 GMT So, my wife buys me Mists of Pandaria and says she supports me in gaming. But, whenever I try to go and play my game she gets sad. So my options... So, my wife buys me Mists of Pandaria and says she supports me in gaming. But, whenever I try to go and play my game she gets sad. So my options are A) play games and feel guilty or B) not play games and feel extremely angry and frustrated... ]]> anakin876 http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/blog.php?b=1304 http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/blog.php?b=1303 Tue, 18 Sep 2012 01:56:30 GMT I love kickstarter. I think it's a great way to fund projects, both gaming and non-gaming.
However its popularity for gaming projects has skyrocketed, and this has me concerned.

I do not mind small independent studios making kickstarters, and to a certain extent larger studios with projects that the traditional publisher model won't fund due to their risk averse corporate bean counting. Such as Broken Sword: The Serpent's Curse.

I have however come to believe some of the bigger development studios are taking advantage of gamers goodwill and enthusiasm for their interests to sidestep the traditional publisher model. Okay, so this is not a bad thing as long as a product is produced right?
What happens in that case is that the people who want the game pay for it in advance (in theory - more on that later) and fund the cost of development that way, then the developer doesn't have to pay back a loan from a publisher, so it's mostly profit for them.
The biggest bonus is that they have nobody interfering with their creative direction by having conversations such as this:

"Tests show that Shooters are popular, let's make it one of them First Person Shooter thingys"
"But this is an adventure game! People point and click on their environment and use objects they have gathered to solve puzzles"
"Yes, that's the spirit! They can point and shoot their environment, with the gun they have picked up! See, it works! Get to work son, this is a moneymaker, and we are footing the bill after all. Oh, and I hear that zombie survival modes are good too, put one in".

The creative freedom kickstarter can make by sidestepping publishers can be a good thing or a bad thing, some developers may need oversight after all to keep them from going too crazy or keep them to a reasonable time frame.
On the whole I'm more in favour of giving creative freedom to people who have proven themselves capable of producing a good game.

Here's where it gets interesting though, donating money towards a kickstarter can create that freedom, and as long as you are getting a product then it is after all in many minds just a pre-order.
The problem is, it's not. A kickstarter donation is exactly that - a donation.
So lets say one of these projects that is successfully funded doesn't actually produce what they promised. Well, you donated that money, kickstarter will not intervene as it is not their problem at that point - and recent PR speak really didn't say anything other than that. You can read it here. Kickstarter themselves won't be a part of the process.
I wonder how far you will get trying to argue that your donation didn't pay out for you in a legal court.

So, this means when I see publishers put up projects such as this I get concerned. Sure, I want to play this game - but there is no reason they could not have gotten this published the traditional way, and I do not believe their bullshit about how they tried to do so. I think they either didn't try hard enough, or they just wanted to say they did to make you feel they tried and hence if you don't fund it nobody will. The excuse that this kind of game would not be funded isn't going to fly with me, when there are games like Dragon Age: Origins (the first, not the second) that were a success.
I'd love to play it, and I'd also love to play this, but I won't donate to either because I think they could have been done the usual way, and done so without creative interruptions, or very few. I think that the reason they posted their project to kickstarter is to maximize their profits. There is nothing wrong with that in theory, and I'd love to have less creative oversight from people who aren't creative people at all for instance. However I do believe that the high donation numbers for some of these projects encourages more developers to jump on kickstarter for possibly the wrong reasons.

This then creates more high profile kickstarters, and thus more opportunity for a large profile project to fail. As soon as one of these huge projects fails to live up to their promise, I believe it will break the current bubble that has everybody coasting along on feel good vibes. Then, it will be harder for the truly independent projects, or the ones that would not be funded by corporate bean counters to succeed. I think once that trust is broken- it won't be easily regained.

So these are my thoughts on some of the kickstarter projects. ]]> Theonar http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/blog.php?b=1303