The Punisher: Sci-Fi Channel's Original Movies

Is it really possible to be both unbelievably bad and totally awesome? The Sci-Fi channel's lineup of original movies says: yes!

This past Saturday, a buddy and I ended up watching a whole day's worth of Sci-Fi's craptastic movies in between some college football, and it turned into an epic experience.

First off it was a 'theme' day. Ice monsters, with a particular emphasis on the Yeti genus. Get a load of this lineup:

Savage Planet
Sasquatch Mountain
Abominable
Ice Spiders
Yeti
(we missed Maneater and Grizzly Rage )

Had I tried to watch these monstrosities alone, it would have stunk. Watching them with a friend who shares by appreciation for bad cinema turned it into a riot.

I couldn't even tell you exactly what Savage Planet was about, except they were on a distant planet which looked a lot like British Columbia and they were being chased by a bear. But since they were on another planet it had to be a Space Bear, right? The effects in this one look like they came out of an N64 cart, and the acting was sub-porno quality.

Sasquatch Mountain I didn't watch as much of, but it was pretentiously directed and had Lance Henriksen in it.

Then there was Abominable. It starred the guy who played Lloyd Braun on Seinfeld as a paraplegic widower who returns to his mountain cabin just as the sexy teens move into the cabin next door. Some good directing and tension on this one is killed the moment you actually get a good look at the monster (wisely saved for the last third of the film). The thing looked like (and I'm going to hell for saying this) a giant, retarted midget with a shaggy coat. Seriously, the thing was crosseyed and looked like it had the features of a true dwarf.

Ice Spiders we also skipped for the most part, but again the effects were straight out of a PS1 game. But you know the drill: Gov't makes giant spiders for some reason, they escape, badasses have to kill them.

Then there was Yeti. The heartwarming story of a college football team going to play a bowl game in Japan, who somehow end up crashed in the Himyalayas. Someone get the writers a globe so they can tell me how a trip from the US to Japan goes over the Himyalayas. Overally this one was just bland, except for a few points. The titular Yeti looked more like a walking rug than I thought was humanly possible. The main character/star QB's name was Peyton Elway, which is so unsubtle it made my head hurt. Then there was the scene where a guy had to splint his broken leg with the severed arm of the friend who was just ripped apart by the Yeti. That was a new one, even for me.

Now under normal circumstances, I don't recommend watching this many Sci-Fi channel movies in one sitting. But with the right group it can be quite an...experience.