Back to the Mat: NES Pro Wrestling
Posted 01-13-2010 at 11:13 AM by alienmastermind
System: Nintendo Entertainment System
Players: 2 players Vs.
Move Depth: Mud Puddle
Wrestling Accuracy: 75%
Ah, the roar of the crowd. The shouts of the referee warning you that devouring your opponent's flesh is forbidden, and using a shrimp fork to pry out his brains was also a big no-no. And knowing at the end of the match, standing over your opponent, that truly 'A Winner Is YOU'.
Oh man, the NES had a LOT of wrestling games, and I'll get to them all. As I said before, I'm doing a history of wrestling video games. Honestly, there was another wrestling game out for the NES that came out AFTER Pro Wrestling. Let me tell you, Tag Team Wrestling will not get a review. Because the game is simply unplayable. It's so terrible that even speaking about the colors of the game will cause you to go into convulsive suck-shock. But, it DID spawn the famous character Strong Bad, which were the names of your red-masked opponents in that terrible, awful, no-good, bad game.
Let's get to the first wrestling game on the home console scene, Pro Wrestling. Before the Rock, before Stone Cold, and around the same time as Ric Flair and Hulk Hogan's prime, we had these famous faces of pro graps:
Nickname: Half-Pirhana, Half-Man (All Lover)
Fish man who devoured opponents. Also, was green from head to toe and wore purple panties to the ring. Because if the Hulk, Green Goblin, and The Amazon taught us anything, if you're green, your clothes MUST be purple. He was known for spilling blood in the ring by gnawing the heads of his opponents, or stabbing them repeatedly with a kitchen utensil.
Nickname: The Invincible Warrior
This guy was your standard puro, black-haired, Generic Japanese Hero Wrestler from the 80s. He has the standard array of weaksauce hero moves: Body Slam, Awkward Embrace, and Snugglebunnies
Nickname: The Ultimate Human Weapon
Smuggling Giant Panther across borders would be considered an act of war as he's a human Weapon of Mass Destruction. You know those lists about Chuck Norris? They're all cribbed from the obituary of Mr. Panther, who sadly died of cancerous melanoma from all that tanning. Typical American Wrestler character that can be found in just about every game from Japan that talks about fighting; big muscles, overly tan, and a bit of a wanker.
Kin Corn Karn
Nickname: A Living Karate Tool.
Yep. His nickname is the only piece of Nintendo Manual fluff that is 100% accurate in real life. He is a living tool. He's also got a name that sounds like a kindergartener making fun of the new Asian kid in class. I guess they couldn't call him Ching Chong Bing Bong. Proving, that the Japanese might be the most racist people on the planet next to my grandmother.
Nickname: Cold-Blooded Warrior, Jr.
Right. Cold-Blooded Warrior, Jr. His father, Cold-Blooded Warrior Sr. was a veteran of the ring. Emperor Whisper-Thin, they called him, and where Giant Panther represents the tan and muscular stereotype of American wrestling, King Slender is the pale and wispy stereotype of teenage virginity. It's like Giant Panther absorbed all the melanin from the other American on the roster, and left Slender an albino mess.
Nickname: Super Space-Traveller or The Only Character You Need to Play As
Seriously, Starman's flying cross chop was like poison to every other character in the game. Pro Wrestling was broken in a few ways, but Starman's running attack could put your opponent down from anywhere at anytime. The realistic view is that Starman is a luchadore from space, but the Nintendo view is that he is an unknowable entity from the stars whose mastery of wrestling is used to sate his hunger for the souls of children. Lucky us!
That's your roster...except for the hidden champion:
Nickname: The Perfect Wrestler
The best part about Puma is that it's assumed he was born in Caracas, Venezuela. If I had to assume that someone was born somewhere, I'd assume Bayonne, New Jersey, or Des Moines, Iowa. But people see the champion of the VWF, and just assume he's from Caracas the same way I assume all people with freckles bear the mark of Shaitan the Deciever.
Now, on to how this game plays. It's not hard. You lock up with your opponent by walking up to them, and control the move by mashing the hell out of the buttons. This is basically a one-game advertisment for the NES Advantage controller. The fact is, nobody wins against the computer without turbo. So, I twist those little gray knobs all the way to the right, and CRUSH the competition.
Moves are standard wrestling fare, though each character has a set of moves unique to them. Amazon can bite people, Great Panther has the brain claw, and Starman has the only move you need to beat the game, the flying cross chop.
Lock up, mash buttons, slam the opponent down or crush their spirits with an octopus hold. Which, was borrowed from classic porno, a position called the 'Reverse Toledo Neck Stain'. It's the most fun you can have with a man's balls against the back of your neck.
But, all of the moves in the game are rendered useless by the braindead AI in the game. Any opponent will follow you up to the top of the ring, where you can simply use the double-tap run to the ropes smack them with the cross chop, lather, rinse, repeat, and then poof! A winner is you!
You finally come to the end of your journey with a massive trophy, and the belt, and then continue playing until you grow bored with it, or fifteen more minutes.
Seeing Great Puma isn't all that hard, but if you want to catch a glimpse of the Puma, you must master the run and hit and watch the opponent fall down moves that make this title a classic.
Nostalgia for the game means you'll pick it up again and again, but each time you'll remember that it only takes one maneuver to out-think the computer opponent. This game is most fun with two players with NES MAX controllers or NES Advantage sticks.
Recommendation: Check it out, if you find it for less than a buck.
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