I Need Help

[Krispy]

I'll make it short because details aren't too solid. Basically someone I know (I only know his first name, Tim, and his online handle) and have known over the internet for a few years now is showing signs of interest in suicide. He constantly brings attention to depression in his life and the worth of his existence and makes passing comments about leaving this or that behind. I got this about five minutes ago:

__________ says:
How would you like to inherit my work?
__________ says:
Well regardless, you're going to.


And then he promptly logged off. Now I don't think a 22 year old would seek attention by faking interest in suicide from some dudes he knows online and I know he had a pretty terrible breakup months back that caused him to drop out of school but I thought he was fine now. Basically, I live in California, US and I have no idea what I can do about it when he is all the way over in the UK. I told a mutual friend to take a train over and visit him asap but I don't know that any of us know his actual address. I need help.

[Ox]

Tough situation. First thing to do is take a deep breath and realize: there's not a lot you can do. Whatever happens, this is not your responsibility.

That said, you might consider confronting him. "Hey, you keep joking about suicide. Almost nobody does that unless he's actually contemplating suicide. Call 08457 90 90 90 [the UK suicide hotline number, run by the Samaritans] right now." He might or might not, but it's not possible for you to stage an intervention from where you are. Pressure him to at least make the call and tell him you'd feel guilty if he didn't. Don't let him laugh it off or claim he's just kidding; say, "Then call the number and say that you were making jokes, a friend took you too seriously, and made you promise to call them." The most you can accomplish is to get him on the phone with those guys. Beg, wheedle, threaten, or guilt-trip him into doing it. Anyone with an ounce of decency will make that call if pressured enough, even if he doesn't think he's suicidal, just to salve your conscience. If he makes the call, you've done more than you could possibly be expected to do.

EDIT: I think this is one of those rare things that's a lot better over the phone than via writing. But if he's uncomfortable discussing his feelings over the telephone, have him at least email jo@samaritans.org. They are good people who exist for precisely this purpose, and he can feel free to call you all sorts of names for panicking over nothing if he wants. Just so long as he contacts them.

[Krispy]

I'm talking with him now but he won't give me or anyone else his phone number or address. He keeps telling me he "doesn't feel like it." He has told me he is genuinely considering suicide and "the enitre world is black and white, there are no colours anymore. I genuinely don't enjoy being alive."

I wouldn't think much about it except this has been going on for a while now, just not to me. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

[fitbabits]

Call the cops. They'll find him and get him the help he needs.

[AgtFox]

Call the cops. They'll find him and get him the help he needs.
Although if real name and general location is not known he really can't call the cops either. From a PM with him it sounds as if Krispy may have neither outside of the general UK area.

[Shrinn]

WISDOM

Ox is right. The most important thing to remember is that as much as you want to and as much as you gut demands action, there's not much you can do.

I went through a similar situation although I knew the person who was scaring me. I tried and tried to get him to call a suicide hotline, when it wasn't working and he was getting worse I finally just called his parents (He still lived at home). He hated me for almost three months. He got the help he needed though.

The best thing you can do for him is try to get him to call a hotline. It's the best way to get him in contact with people trained to handle situations like this.

Also, you might want to consider calling a suicide hot line yourself. When I was in my tricky situation, I called one to receive some information and everyone I spoke to was very kind and helpful and gave me a long, helpful list well beyond the requested info.

[Johan]

I recommend staying out of it, personally, other than pointing out a phone number to call. You have "known" him on the Internet, which is a bit like not knowing someone at all, depending upon how much honesty they put into their online persona, how much you place your own interpretations and feelings on what they post, and whether you ever meet people from the Internet IRL, as some do here.

If he's truly serious, there's genuinely little you can do. If he's not, he's yanking your chain to wrap you up in his drama. Frankly, I think that's what most of the Internet becomes; drama, like a high school.

Perhaps I sound cold. YMMV. Do as you will. Good luck.

[Krispy]

I take my online friends pretty seriously. I don't treat them like acquaintances and I like to think they treat me the same way. I have his name and the only reason I don't have his phone number and address is because we talk on Skype and I've never needed to know his address. I guess I could use his IP to find out his general area. Anyways, I talked with him at length and at this point I've done all I can. I sent him some scanned pages on epistemological scandal as well that hopefully will show parallels to his life and he knows where to contact me. I won't beat myself up over it, I'm just concerned. Thanks for your advice.

[LongStepMantis]

I'm not saying anything that hasn't already been said, just do your best to talk to him.
If he does do something, well, you aren't superman. You can't fly there and rescue him.
You're making the best attempt you can for not knowing much about his location and dealing with him solely on the net. You care, you're trying, remember that.

Don't feel guilty if the worst case does happen, I know from painful experience that you
can't do or say anything to change their minds once they hit a certain point. Good luck.

[Tron]

Had a coworker do the same thing...we ended up calling the cops. They took him to the hospital

[rifter]

I recommend staying out of it, personally, other than pointing out a phone number to call. You have "known" him on the Internet, which is a bit like not knowing someone at all, depending upon how much honesty they put into their online persona, how much you place your own interpretations and feelings on what they post, and whether you ever meet people from the Internet IRL, as some do here.


I worked with guys on my planet site, that I still consider friends. I would do anything I could to help them. I wouldn't say there are a LOT of people online that I am friends with, I would do that for, but there are a few. You can develop good friendships online.

As for this situation... sorry man, I have NO clue. It sucks to be in that position. It is weird how people forget that they may be down, but there are always a lot of people out there, that care about them. And that those people would view the world with a little less color, without that person in it.

[TheCuriousLittleOyster]

Some people thrive off pity from others...like Toni Collette in that movie with Robin Williams...you don't want to make the mistake of being some lonely guys daily pity fix...on the other hand it could be genuine.

Like a few others have said just recommend some helpline numbers to call...in Oz we have the Mental Health Hotline...or tell him to call a family member or close friend.