Would you read this manuscript?

[Crittias]

I'm going to enter a manuscript for a novel I wrote last year into the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award (http://www.createspace.com/abna) contest in a few weeks. A big part of the contest is your synopsis/pitch. If you read the following pitch, would it pique your interest in the rest of the novel? My name is Bartholomew Benson, and I just killed twenty-one people.

Most of the folks that know me wouldn’t believe I’m capable of such a thing. To them, I’m just a struggling farmer living in a small town in Midwestern America. Farm life in 2017 isn’t easy, so I also work part-time for the city installing hydrogen conversion units. I’ve got issues, just like everybody does: obnoxious customers, an asshole neighbor, a disillusioned wife, a dismissive ex-wife/sister-in-law, and a sickeningly successful ex-best friend/brother-in-law.

In other words, I seem like a typical guy. No different than anyone else.

But I’m not like everyone else. After serving our country in Iraq and Afghanistan, I got recruited into an ultrasecret cyberspace task force. So I know things. Things you wouldn’t believe. For instance, I know all about the first quantum computer the Chinese developed to rip off the world economy. And I know about the unexpected consequence of their new technology: the rise of spontaneous, sentient artificial intelligences. Most importantly, I knows the risks these rogue AIs pose to our civilization.

How do you fight an enemy that lives in the very information infrastructure around you? How do you coordinate an attack against an elusive, all-seeing enemy? An enemy that almost no one on your planet even knows exists?

You drop off the grid: no cellphones, emails, credit cards. You minimize your electronic footprint. And then you fight dirty.

This is how guerilla warfare is conducted in the 21st century. And I’m on the frontlines. Again.

Those twenty-one people? They’re just the beginning, I’m afraid.

The Emancipation of Bartholomew Benson is complete at just under 52,000 words. I'd be happy to provide a partial or complete manuscript for further review.
EDIT: Here's a non-first-person-POV rewrite. Does it read better or worse than the original? Bartholomew Benson has a problem: he just killed twenty-one people.

Most of the people that live in Bart’s town wouldn’t believe he’s capable of such a thing. To them, he’s just another struggling farmer living in Midwestern America and working part-time for the city installing hydrogen conversion units. He has issues, just like the rest of them do: obnoxious customers, an asshole neighbor, a disillusioned wife, a dismissive ex-wife/sister-in-law, and a sickeningly successful ex-best friend/brother-in-law.

In other words, he’s just a typical guy. No different than anyone else.

But that’s not the whole story. After serving in Iraq and Afghanistan, Bart was recruited into an ultrasecret cyberspace task force. So he knows things. Things you wouldn’t believe. For instance, he knows all about the first quantum computer the Chinese developed to rip off the world economy. And he knows about the unexpected consequence of their new technology: the rise of spontaneous, sentient artificial intelligences. Most importantly, he know the risks these rogue artificial intelligences pose to our civilization.

How do you fight an enemy that lives in the very information infrastructure around you? How do you coordinate an attack against an elusive, all-seeing enemy? An enemy that almost no one on your planet even knows exists?

You drop off the grid: no cellphones, emails, credit cards. You minimize your electronic footprint. And then you fight dirty.

This is how guerilla warfare is conducted in the 21st century. And Bart’s on the frontlines. Again.

Those twenty-one people? Unfortunately, they’re just the beginning.

The Emancipation of Bartholomew Benson is complete at just under 52,000 words. I'd be happy to provide a partial or complete manuscript for further review.

[LongStepMantis]

It has a nice sci-fi feel to it, while avoiding the cliched "we're under attack by robots!" scenario by making it a hidden threat that lurks on the internet itself.

Your opening line is epic, btw.

[Crittias]

Your opening line is epic, btw.Thanks. It's the first line in the actual book as well. I love it.

[Gwinny]

I'd read it! It sounds wonderfully cyberpunk-esque, but subverts the genre, too, since he's working so hard to stay off the grid. Are the relationships with the ex-best-friend and ex-wife integral to the character's development and/or story arc?

[Spectre-7]

I'd read it! It sounds wonderfully cyberpunk-esque, but subverts the genre, too, since he's working so hard to stay off the grid. Are the relationships with the ex-best-friend and ex-wife integral to the character's development and/or story arc?

From what I've read so far, yes. Very much so.

[alienmastermind]

Do you want an editorial on manuscript submission, or do you want to hear that it's well written?

Your submission should not be 'in-character'. This has been done to death, and most editors (who aren't impressed by clever tricks, and always get their ears up when someone tries that) won't take this as an effort to get them into the story, but as an effort by a writer into tricking them into ignoring bad grammar, bad spelling, or a cliche'd plot.

Your manuscript synopsis/pitch should read like the book jacket or back cover of the book so, the first line could remain the same, but you should put it in quotes, and let the editor know that you're not being cute.

This is from someone who definitely knows the ins and outs of submissions, and rejections. The best advice I've been given is 'Stop being clever, just submit what you've written'. It was harsh, but it was from one of the editors at Tor books. They ultimately passed on the first draft of what I'd written.

Based on a 'clever' submission.

But, because I liked what I saw here, I would suggest you re-tool this to be more of an explanation of the book in terms of who is the audience, what the tale is about, flesh out the beginning, middle and end of the story. A synopsis should read like a plot synopsis for a film or other novel. There's a reason editors don't do it the way you've chosen to write it.

The ideas within are excellent, and you have grammatical skills, and it's not lyrical, but it rides the line between 'precious' and prose that most editors are turned off by.

Lots of stories are about people who aren't 'like everyone else'. That's fiction. That's a given. But, in the synopsis, you should 'show' and not 'tell'. Which means the first person perspective is not going to sell the editor on your book, only a coherent story synopsis will.

Here's an example of a synopsis format (http://www.fictionwriters.com/tips-synopsis.html) that will be helpful.

This post is not intended to come off as me being a dick. This is to help you not get rejected, because your story sounds very interesting, and as a reader I WOULD read your book. As an editor, I'd pass most likely. Remember: Beginning, Middle, and End.

[Superman's Dead]

Hell, I'd read it. I enjoy books like this because of the main character more than the story, seeing how they cope with the insanity that is their lives.

...pass along a signed copy or six if/when it's published? =)

[Crittias]

alienmastermind: You're right on all counts. I have an alternative version that's much like what you've described. It's dull as shit, however.

I recognize that the 1st person gimmick is just that, but I'm hoping for the contest scenario that it might actually serve to differentiate rather than annoy. It may totally backfire, however, which is why I'm hemming and hawing over the format.

I may retool the more standard formatted letter and post it for a compare-and-contrast.

[alienmastermind]

Here's a better way, if the story involves a character who plays the 'anti-protagonist' like the cop who turns to V's side in V for Vendetta.

"My name is Bartholomew Benson, and I just killed twenty-one people."

The message waited for Inspector Todd, though he did not know it. And no one in Bartholomew Benson's circle of friends would have suspected he was a....

and so forth.

Spice it up. Tell a story about your story. Most editors, from my experience, want to see that you know how to tell the story of your story, that you actually know the story, and have an ending. Many first time writers don't have a finished book before trying to submit it.

Only imaginary heroes and Dean Koontz get money based on ideas alone. :)

Best of luck in the contest, man. This sounds like a good novel.

[Crittias]

I posted a quick rewrite, where I simply shifted the POV from 1st person to 3rd. Alien, maybe a simple POV shift gets more to where you're suggesting? If not, I can keep tweaking.

I appreciate the feedback! BTW, if people actually want to read it, I will share copies for feedback.

[Zrikz]

Sounds fantastic, color me interested. No feedback at the time, I'll think on it. /edit your link on the first post is broken.

[pomeroy]

I love the ex-wife and asshole ex-best friend line. Cracked me up.

[at the metro]

I would definitely read your novel, or even pre-read the novel if are giving out the chance. The opening line is killer but be sure to end your synopsis with something just as powerful and gripping -- keep the tension going until the very last word. good luck!! =)

[Spectre-7]

Noticed a small typo that looks like it came out of the perspective change.

Most importantly, he know the risks...

And now, because I feel like it:

I had a small house of brokerage on Wall Street. Many days no business come to my hut. But Jimmy has fear? A thousand times no. I never doubted myself for a minute, for I knew that my monkey strong bowels were girded with strength like the loins of a dragon ribboned with fat and the opulence of buffalo dung. Glorious sunset of my heart was fading. Soon the super karate monkey death car would park in my space. But Jimmy has fancy plans and pants to match. The monkey clown horrible karate round and yummy like cute small baby chick would beat the donkey.

[alienmastermind]

Re-write is strong. :)

Good stuff there.

[Cit Phil Cit]

I believe I understand what you're saying - he is a farmer to remain off the grid and he lives in a rural community to be better concealed (but it's unclear how or what the AI could do to him): and its unclear what 21 people did, or were doing that they needed to be murdered - or why more people need to die.

On the issue of plausibility, how does he know who to go after if he wants to stay away from IT infrastructure? And well, why should I be sympathetic this character? It sounds Dexterish: the outwardly normal appearing person with some quirks and 'wholesome family life, with amusingly odd characters' who conceals some deep-dark aspect of himself (killing those who serve the secret super-intelligent computers).

[Crittias]

Noticed a small typo that looks like it came out of the perspective change.Got it, thanks!

Alien, glad you like the change in perspective. I think it reads a bit stronger as well.

[Wilkz07]

You had me at "I just killed twenty-one people."

and I liked the first one (the pov version) better. It sounds better and you can get to know the character(s) over time like all of the James Patterson Alex Cross novels.

i'd buy this book at chapters. make sure the cover art is catchy.

[Doctor Setebos]

Sounds awesome! The only part I don't really like (and this is just personal opinion - feel free to ignore, obviously) is the title. I read the title, and it sounded just like The Curious Case of Benjamin Button to me. ;)

[Spectre-7]

Sounds awesome! The only part I don't really like (and this is just personal opinion - feel free to ignore, obviously) is the title. I read the title, and it sounded just like The Curious Case of Benjamin Button to me. ;)

Really? I immediately thought of The Transmigration of Timothy Archer and The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldritch.

[Crittias]

To be fair, my title was decided on a long time before Benjamin Button came out. And the title format is pretty generic, so I'm not too worried about it. Of course, when an agent/publisher asks for a change, I'll be happy to accommodate their request :)

[Purple Santa]

Great opening line. Got me to read the rest which I liked. I admit i'm not much of a sci-fi person but this synopsis, you created enough twists on the genre to make it seem fresh approach. Good luck with this.