Where do I go from here?

[King3567]

Warning: Massive Teen Angst Ahead (I'm a junior in High School)

So lately, like the last year or so, I have been sort of depressed. My family consists of my mom, who is a flight attendant and isn't home for over half the week, my dad, who does his own thing and whenever I talk to him he just reiterates that we are fucked financially, and my bat-shit crazy twin. I say bat-shit crazy because she has some sort of mental illness (though my parents have never told me the full details) and has to go to a "special school" for people who are dumbasses (she acts normal socially when around anyone but our family and her grades never hover above the F-D range). I have never been close to my family but lately, I've been seeing how terrible we are with connecting with each other. My parents' marriage is nonexistent, they sleep in different rooms and do nothing but argue. So, this puts a ton of pressure on me, being the only level headed one in the bunch to succeed and my parents have done this to me since I was three. With my mom always saying stuff like, "When your married, don't this..." and my dad putting pressure on me to take up the guitar and start a band (since that's what he did). My grades have kind of tanked. I used to be an A or B student where now it's pretty much B's and C's.

The problem is, I used to not see any of this because I used to be really social. But lately (since a year ago), this aspect of my life has basically fallen apart. You see, I've known most of my friends since kindergarten and we've grown up together. But starting with last year, I sort of woke up from a daze I've had all my life and just can't seem to relate with any of them anymore. I feel like I have to act like a completely different person around them. Not to mention that half of my good friends got into some heavy drugs and all that jazz. So, I have just felt so alone for the past year or so and I don't know what to do about out. So I ask you guys, seeing as most of you are adults, where do I go from here?

Please no immature comments. I am asking you guys for help.

[TheEpicOfTyler]

I would think of it as growing pains. A lot of 'our' generation is not coming from a very healthy home environment, and I have felt a lot of what you're dealing with. Unfortunately for me it has come with breaking almost every tie with my immediate and extended family, hopefully you don't have to go that far with your problems.

I understand what you're going through socially, and that's what I was referring to as 'growing pains'. Most of my long term friends were no longer my friends at a certain point for very similar reasoning to yours, and there were some very lonely times, but you'll meet new people that are more along your lines and your social life with recoup.

I don't know if that is much help for you, but it's just my experience.

[Kielaran]

A few options:
-Find some new friends. I am not saying cut ties with the old one, but if you have friends who you can relate to (and aren't drugged up), then that is far better for your mind and will help you hopefully focus on other things again.
-Work on your grades. If you have to , leave the house and take a walk, go someplace on your own and study. It sounds like there is nothing you can do to change your home life, so work on school stuff so you can get a good scholarship and not have to worry so much about the money thing for college.
-Self reflect. Figure out where you want to be in your life (be it in 6 months or 6 years) and look at what it will take to get there. With real goals in mind, it is far easier to focus on making it there.
-Ask for help. The worst thing I ever did was be too proud in college to get tutored. I thought I was above it and instead ended up failing a few classes. If you ever feel like something is too heavy to handle, ask for help. It could be goign to the school guidance counselor ( I know they usually aren't helpful, but talking something out is, even if they can't tell you anything back) or talking to a teacher about what you can do to improve. This was the hardest thing for me to accept, so please take the advice and don't end up doing what I did.

Best of luck, Kiel.

[Everyone vs Dinosaurs]

I would say find something constructive, that you really enjoy doing. And can do a lot, without harming you or anyone else in any way. Maybe your father suggested playing guitar, because that was how he got through tough times in his life. You don't have to play guitar, but maybe try to find something you really like. Some suggestions would be drawing, running, bike riding, music, volunteering, or sports. Heck, you could even focus on multiple things.

[JRR006]

A bit of commiseration, from personal experience:

When I was a freshman or sophomore I finally realized that what I wanted for myself was different than what a good deal of my friends wanted. You have to make peace with the fact that being driven in a particular direction may mean leaving some of your friends behind, especially if they are not supportive. Junior year I started taking AP classes to find people I could relate to and who wanted some of the same things I did. You're at an exciting point in your life, stressful and lonely as it may be. You're deciding who you are and who you want to be. It's all right that you've realized that you're "out of step" with your previous circle of friends. The world is full of all sorts of people. Do you plan on going to college? I would recommend it, even if you rack up a bit of debt doing so. There's usually such a diversity that it's easy to find people who share your ambitions and values.

As for family stuff... I know the difficulties of dealing with mentally disabled and mentally ill relatives. (My wondrous family tree has a bit from column A, a bit from column B, woo hoo.) Sometimes you just need to laugh or cry about it to release a bit of tension. There's nothing you can really do except love them all as best as you can. They love you, too, even if they don't or can't show it or say it much. And those who are mentally ill... well, if they don't love you, that's not your fault. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. It means something's gone awry inside them. You can't fix it. Again, just love them as best as you can, and try very hard not to let it wear you down.

If you aren't getting support from your friends or family, you do need it from somewhere. Is there a counselor at school you can talk to? Do you have an eye on a group you'd like to join?

[Crittias]

I don't necessarily have any great advice, but I have to commend you for being so conscious of your situation and well-spoken about the issues you're dealing with. I don't think I was half that mature when I was your age. Kudos.

[VerseD]

It sounds like your home life sucks, so here's the best advice you'll ever hear: Stay out of your home.

Get involved in clubs, sports, or study groups at school. As many as you can, in anything that interests you. That kills two birds with one stone by finding new, cool people to hang out with and keeping you away from your family. Go over to friends' houses and spend the night. Do your homework in the library before leaving school.

Best case scenario your parents realize you're alienating them and that they need some help. Worst case you don't get infected by their craziness. Either way it's better for you. In the meantime stay away from drugs, keep your grades up, hang out with good people, and then go to a good college far away. You will be so much happier.

It'll take some hard work to get away, but you only have to put up with this shit for two years and then you can look back and laugh.

[Scaryfaced]

I've come to a realization about High School recently. A new point of view, if you will. One that may or may not help you, but I'll say it anyway.

So recently I've been sitting in on High School classes. I'm trying to get my teaching credentials and we're required to spend 1 day a week as a fly on the wall. It's been a bit of an enlightening experience getting to see high school culture from an outsiders perspective and I've come to an important conclusion...high school is a messed up place. Its a strange time in our life that doesn't represent, AT ALL, what comes after it. It's this car wreck of intellectual and social development, rife with disasters at every turn. Your bombarded by almost every social problem your ever going to face as an adult, all within a 4 year period. Drugs, gangs, grades, jobs, girls, the works. I just want you to know that you shouldn't be down on yourself for feeling overwhelmed. It's honestly a testiment to the strength of our teenagers that they make it out in tact.

Try to stop taking everything that happens to you so seriously. I know it's hard to be ambivilent, especially when your still in the midsts of it, but you need to keep in mind that life WILL get better for you. Start by taking some of the advice already floating around this thread. Clubs or programs are a great way to meet new people. Try to focus on your studies, but remember, school isn't everything. Try to find something that makes you happy and run with it. The rest will fix itself in time. College is the time where life seems to work itself out. Your challenge is getting through the quick sand we call high school first. Once your done, you'll wonder why you ever worried about things in the first place.
________
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[King3567]

The problem with finding new friends is that there really aren't any. My high school has four main groups: The Jocks (not to sound generic, but these guys are assholes), the geniuses (of which my best friend is part of, though it seems like we have grown apart in virtually all areas except music), the stoners (this group has a lot of cool people to hang out with in school, but outside of school...you know what happens. I don't care that they smoke really, it's just that I won't but that negates a helluva lot of people to hang out with on weekends and such) and then there's my group that I'm currently in. We are kind of like melting pot with some geeks, metalheads, and the like. It just seems like I've got nowhere to go for this aspect.

I do try avoiding my house at all costs, but as I hang out with my group less and less...where do I go?

Also, it seems like all of my friends have everything figured out. They all have something that they are great at be it skateboarding, art, music, etc. It seems like I have nothing that I am exceptional at. Just curious, when did you guys figure out what you wanted to be?

Thanks for all the kind words and advice guys. I hate sounding like teen angst, but I'll be damned if I don't have a lot right now.

[Kielaran]

Well, you are in a tough spot. I don't really have too much else except one thing. Ignore the groups and find a few people who you would like to hang out with and may have something in common with. Ask them to go out, be it to the mall or even for a walk in the park (no matter how cliche it sounds). If you find the right people, you will end up with your own group that can not give a damn about what the rest of the school is like and hopefully find some sort of comradere.

Good luck and godspeed.

[Bone]

I found myself trying to connect with people from every group in high school: jocks, nerds, stoners, rednecks, preps, whatever. There were good people in every group and every time I found myself settling too much into a clique I made sure to make some friends outside of that group. It sounds like the group you've got going now, made up of lots of different types of people.

If you haven't found what you're good at, try to at least figure out what you like to do (besides watching movies and playing video games). Do that a lot and see what opportunities there are in careers related to it. I am a firm believer that there are very few "naturals" at any skill out there. People have long assumed that art and music come naturally to me, but that's not the case at all. There was a lot of practice, study, and critical thinking involved, and I'm still learning every day. Also learn to have a healthy amount of self-criticism (not being down on yourself, but being able to objectively criticize your work and learn how to improve it). If you can't be honest about the quality of your work, it will never improve.

Basically, at your age, realize that you have all the time in the world to choose a career. You may even change careers multiple times in your life. For now, focus on what interests you.

[LordDon]

Basically, at your age, realize that you have all the time in the world to choose a career. You may even change careers multiple times in your life. For now, focus on what interests you.

This is great advice, I'm sure many of us have changed what we "want to be when I grow up."

I also want to re-iterate what a well spoken and self aware person you come across as. Don't lose that.

[digitalErich]

Ride it out until college, where your actual life will begin and you can get away from all that shit. It sounds harsh, but you'll agree with me when you get there.

[Bone]

I also want to re-iterate what a well spoken and self aware person you come across as. Don't lose that.
Do you mean me or the OP?

If you meant me... also know that I'm 34 and have had a long time to discover myself, and also that I sometimes find it easier to express myself with a keyboard than in real life.

If you meant the OP, and I think you did, then I agree. For his age, he is really ahead of the game, which can be even more awkward at that age when you realize you're just not interested in the stuff people your age are interested in anymore.

[GunnyMo]

This is great advice, I'm sure many of us have changed what we "want to be when I grow up."



That is something very, very true. Hell, I'm 37 and still trying to figure it out. What I struggled with most was the old skool idea that you have to pick one career and that is what you will do the rest of your life. America doesn't work like that anymore. It's not even close. You have to constantly evolve and train your core job desire to meet ever changing demands and the inevitable job change every 5-8 years. There is no more "stay with the same company 30 years and retire". It just doesn't happen.

Find a job field you enjoy, school in the generalities and then, as you work at jobs and go in different directions, you can be flexible enough to not only find work during your job changes but continually keep up the job interest.

[Scaryfaced]

Just curious, when did you guys figure out what you wanted to be?


About 2 months ago, actually. I spent 5 years getting an art degree, took one look at the art world, and promptly rethought my career choice. I'm back in school, attempting to become a Art/History teacher for Middle and High school. I don't think many parents take the time to explain that the idea of choosing a career early in life is a little silly. The average person changes careers 4 times over there lives. Figuring out what you want to be gives you direction, but more often then not, your going to end up doing something different.

Basically, don't worry if you don't have your entire life planned out at 17. All your friends who think they've got it all figured out will be in for a rude awakening when real life takes over. For now, do what makes you happy. Give everything a try, you'll eventually find something you love and want to focus on.
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[Iron Past]

Being in High School is tough, but like others have said, it's just not real life. If you're not looking for a part time job (which will eat time and get you money), then maybe a fun hobby that you can put some passion (read: time) into, besides gaming, apparently. The home life is something else, but I guess you just have to tough it out for another year. I steadfastly believe that once we hit a certain point, we need to leave home. I'm not talking about college, either, I mean going off and supporting yourself, even if it's in the same city. It allows for a lot of perspective. My wife is almost 30 and she still gets way too emotionaly involved in petty family crap because she never really did that; live your own life.

After I graduated from High School I started college to become an aerospace engineer because that's what everyone thought I should be, but I quickly grew bored and changed my major a couple times. I took some time off and enlisted in the Marines, which for me was a great experience. I matured and made some great friends, and had some good (and some not-so-good) times. I don't know if that's the right path for you (many, many people in the infantry are there for the wrong reasons), but it's just an example. Now I'm an architecture major, because it's something I genuinely like. Don't look at money and all that crap, as long as you enjoy doing something it's worth more than a good paying job you hate. I should also add that I haven't figured out exactly where in architecture I want to be yet. I may even try squeezing into a game developer as a level designer in the future (if I'm lucky), don't know.

There's better posts up there, but that's my two cents worth. :)

[GunnyMo]

I took some time off and enlisted in the Marines, which for me was a great experience.

That's pretty much all you have to say. :D

Semper Fi.

[Raen]

Just curious, when did you guys figure out what you wanted to be?

I haven't got the experience as lot of people, but I'm in my final year of University and have no idea what I'll be doing at the end of this year. And as a lot of guys have already said stuff changes a lot when you come to College/University. You'll make better friends, there's a lot more to choose from.

[Iron Past]

Semper Fi.

Semper Fi, Gunny.

[DangerousDaze]

Please no immature comments. I am asking you guys for help.
You say that but it was you who wrote that your twin sister, FFS, is "bat-shit crazy" and goes to a '"special school" for people who are dumbasses'. Your parents are in what sounds like a failing marriage and have financial pressures on top of it. I'd say you were probably the one with the least to feel sorry for in your family so why don't you try and help them out?

You can start with your sister who probably needs your help far more than you need ours.

[Bone]

For what it's worth, I took his comments as meaning he has a twin sister with problems and yet neither she nor their parents have bothered to discuss the facts with him. It would be hard to offer help to your family when you don't even know the nature of the problem.

[DangerousDaze]

It would be hard to offer help to your family when you don't even know the nature of the problem.
Find out. Help them. That's all I'm saying. I find that I feel best about myself when I'm helping other people...

[Bone]

I agree with you. But if you read the post, it's not from his lack of trying to communicate with them.

And I'm with you for the most part. I have a pretty open family and we can press each other for details. But I've also known a lot of people who, for better or worse, came from very different backgrounds and their families are full of secrets. Nothing you attempt to do can break those walls sometimes.

[crazyD]

Push through it, work harder on your grades, and get the fuck out of there as soon as possible. Nothing better then running away from your life and starting over, although it is a lot easier if you have someone to run away with.

[Kielaran]

I agree with you. But if you read the post, it's not from his lack of trying to communicate with them.

And I'm with you for the most part. I have a pretty open family and we can press each other for details. But I've also known a lot of people who, for better or worse, came from very different backgrounds and their families are full of secrets. Nothing you attempt to do can break those walls sometimes.

I agree completely.

Even if he wanted to help out, he has his own situation he is trying to fix. It is hard (and irresponable) to try to take on other's problems if you have too many of your own to begin with. He needs to work through his own problems before trying to find more to deal with.