Criticize My Writing

[Kielaran]

I am looking for some feedback on my writing. I am trying to improve because I would like to try and write a few novels. I am still working on the one I started for NaNoWriMo and I have two others that I really want to write but I don't think that I could do them justice until I have improved my writing style.

Because of this, I would ask anyone interested to read my blog (http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/blog.php?u=189). Specifically, the posted of Incoherent Babbling. In those I have adopted the format of writing some fan fiction which ends up highlighting some aspect of gaming, which I write about. The only thing I am worried about being criticized is the fiction part. Also, I have a few excerpts up from my NaNoWriMo novel.

If anyone is interested, please do so and just reply here about whatever story and what you think about it. I would also ask that you criticize each others criticisms since I would like to see if it is a concensus or if there are conflicting views. Thanks again.

[roboninja]

I am looking for some feedback on my writing. I am trying to improve because I would like to try and write a few novels. I am still working on the one I started for NaNoWriMo and I have two others that I really want to right but I don't think that I could do them justice until I have improved my writing style.

Because of this, I would ask anyone interested to read my blog (http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/blog.php?u=189). Specifically, the posted of Incoherent Babbling. In those I have adopted the format of writing some fan fiction which ends up highlighting some aspect of gaming, which I write about. The only thing I am worried about being criticized is the fiction part. Also, I have a few excerpts up from my NaNoWriMo novel.

If anyone is interested, please do so and just reply here about whatever story and what you think about it. I would also ask that you criticize each others criticisms since I would like to see if it is a concensus or if there are conflicting views. Thanks again.

Get write and right down first :p
Sorry to be the pedant asshole in the first post, but I could not resist. To make up for it, I will try and read one of your writings and critique.

[Kielaran]

Wow...I will just chalk that one up to trying to get that post out and catch up on all the other threads in the half hour I have for lunch at work. :o

[Stmfuller]

your writing smells funny.
and I don't like that you used the word "the"

[Kielaran]

Thanks fuller, I will take that into consideration. :p

Something to add: I am also concerned if the humor works in the three or fou instances in which I attempted it. It has to be my least comfortable topic and I would definitely use it more if I felt better about it.

[Spectre-7]

I should have some time to take a look at it later tonight. :)

[Spectre-7]

I took a look at I Just Like the Sound and it was definitely worth a few good chuckles. :D

I wanted to point out a few things that caught my eye, though:

The opening monologue is good, but a little disorienting. I (very much a personal opinion) prefer not to start a piece with quotations. Even a single sentence that gives some context is helpful, so we at least know who's speaking.
Directly after the monologue, I was wondering who he was talking to. Was Bill just talking to himself in the safe-house?
You shifted verb tense, from present in the first two paragraphs, to past for the remainder of the story. Was this intentional?

Otherwise, it was a funny piece. Short and to the point. I think you could afford a few more editing/polish passes, but my overall impression was good. I especially liked Bill's comment about this pansy run up to you and slap you shit, and when he asked the zombie for his name. Good stuff. :D

Anyway, hope this helps, and cheers!

[Kielaran]

I took a look at I Just Like the Sound and it was definitely worth a few good chuckles. :D

I wanted to point out a few things that caught my eye, though:

The opening monologue is good, but a little disorienting. I (very much a personal opinion) prefer not to start a piece with quotations. Even a single sentence that gives some context is helpful, so we at least know who's speaking.
Directly after the monologue, I was wondering who he was talking to. Was Bill just talking to himself in the safe-house?
You shifted verb tense, from present in the first two paragraphs, to past for the remainder of the story. Was this intentional?

Otherwise, it was a funny piece. Short and to the point. I think you could afford a few more editing/polish passes, but my overall impression was good. I especially liked Bill's comment about this pansy run up to you and slap you shit, and when he asked the zombie for his name. Good stuff. :D

Anyway, hope this helps, and cheers!

Thanks, it helps a lot. I didn't even notice the verb tense change. That is definitely something I need to be more aware of.

Going back and reading the piece I see what you mean about it being disorienting. I see how it would have made a big difference if I had started it with something along the lines of. An old man stands alone in a barricaded room. He is dressed in old military garb and speaking to himself as he cleans his rifle. ...very rough but basic idea.

He was just speaking to himself. I picture him as the type of old man to tell stories and think he is always right regardless of who is around to hear it.

[JRR006]

I looked at I Just Like the Sound of It as well. Very funny at the end. I definitely got some laughs out of it. Also, take all of my comments with a grain of salt - the only qualifications I have to critique anybody's writing is being an English major, writing for fun, and reading a lot. :)

I had no problem with the opening monologue, since it became clear that he was talking to himself when he said so. If you want to add clairty, you could try connecting the quotes with narrative action. I don't know if I'm explaining myself clearly, something like this:

"... Better here than dead though." Bill paused/looked at/did something. "... We were lucky to have this shelter."

My other point of interest is how you describe him moving around the space. I don't own L4D, so maybe the shack is a lot bigger than I'm picturing, but the idea of him having to "walk" to the table and "walk" back to the door seems a bit out of place in a narrative happening in a tiny room. I liked the sense of enclosure you gave the shack, which "walk" didn't seem to gel with very well. It might just be me - I'm dissatisfied with it in my own writing. To me, one walks down the block to the corner store, or walks across a parking lot, but in a tiny shack, they... I don't know. "Move" to the table? Or just grab whatever they need off of it, since it's mostly in arm's reach.

I'd like to know your opinions on the matter - maybe I'm just too picky about my verbs of motion. :)

[Kielaran]

Thanks for the input. I see what you mean about the narrative action. As for the safe house, in the game they do vary in size. Some are hardly 15 sq. ft. while a few are two stories, but walking does convey more motion than was in my mind at the time.

I think I need to hold off posting for a day and reread my next entries before putting them up for viewing. I usually write during my lunch break at work and put out a blog post in about 30 minutes (or 60...over 2 days if it gets long. I do notice that there are some glaring mistakes as well as a bit of miscommunication where it really shouldn't be.

Still, thanks for the criticism. :)