An Ongoing Fanfic I Made

[Dorkandproudofit]

I recently started a story on The Nexus Forums involving an idea I got while playing Oblivion. I figured that, since there are more than a few good writers here, you guys would give great feedback on this so I could improve with future installments on that site.

I've been lurking on this site for some time, but I've never really felt the urge to truly participate until recently, when I began to consider doing a multi-part story about one of my Oblivion characters, as well as one involving the expansive "Elsweyr: The Sands of Anequina" mod. This isn't my first time doing a long-term creative writing project, but please bear with me all the same, as it is my first involving TES.

NOTE: As this story (for the most part) takes place in Elsweyr and involves mostly Khajiit, I will be using some "invented" words in the Khajiit language (aka Ta'agra) to make up for the fact that only a handful of words have been translated. At the end of each chapter, I will add a list of words and phrases I used here that the context of the story may not have made entirely clear. With that in mind, please enjoy the story!

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PROLOGUE
The Clawless One
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Contrary to popular belief, Khajiit are not averse to water; indeed, when one lives in the desert water becomes a precious commodity, requiring many villages to have water brought to them from nearby cities to replenish their meager supply. It should come as no surprise then that the arrival of rain clouds on the horizon caused much commotion and excitement among the citizens of Twin Moon, a small village off the main road from Dune to Corinthe. Buckets were set out in front of the huts in preparation for the arrival of much-needed rain, and gardens that had been covered to protect the meager amount of crops from sandstorms were exposed to the sky.

Such joys had been few and far between for the residents of this hamlet; Many centuries ago it was almost a city in itself, home to the prestigious Khanassa clan, proud warriors, archers and theives in service to the Mane. Those days ended long ago with the clan's fall from grace (an event vague enough in origin as to result in unsavory rumors whispered in hushed tones across the region), and when the clan's fortunes were destroyed, residents began to leave the once-bustling town until it was just another insignificant dot on the map. The few that remained were the remnants of the clan, who only refused to leave their home for the fact that their name had become worthless anywhere else.

It was on this day that Nedrassa, clanmother to the Khanassa remnants, decided to personally join the scouts whose duty it was to make certain that the clouds would, in fact, reach Twin Moon; her decision would change her life, as well as the life of the clan.


----------


"Clanmother, is this truly necessary?" The youngest of the scouts was not necessarily pouting, but the tone of his voice carried the sort of frustration that comes with futility. "If the rain comes, it won't matter if we know it will. If it does not, then vaba, we will have no control over that either."

Nedrasha did not look back at the young one, instead speaking calmly as she maintained focus on the horizon: "You see only the present, M'Dar-Shan. We may not have power over what happens now, but if we look ahead, we will be prepared for whatever may come tomorrow."

"Dharet, clanmother, but if I am to be the clan chief in the future, would it not make sense for me to hunt for food and fend off beasts and bandits rather than look at clouds?"

It was then that M'Dar noticed that his clanmother was no longer listening, but was instead looking at something just over the dunes to the east, towards the main road. Following her gaze, he saw what had caught her attention: smoke rising as from a fire, the scent of ash and burning flesh choking the air. The whole party rushed toward the source, dreading what they knew likely waited for them there. Their fears were confirmed as they reached the summit of a large dune: The remains of a large caravan of ten to fifteen wagons and carriages, set ablaze. Scattered among the wreckage were many corpses, some burnt beyond recognition, others with many heavy wounds from both arrow and blade, all left to rot and burn.

"There may have been some wisdom yet in your words, young one, though I have not often seen mere bandits cause such carnage," Nedrassa said, attempting to hide her horror at the wretched scene so as not to spread it to her charges. Suddenly, she heard one of the scouts shouting:

"Clanmother, sha dreiit! One yet lives!"

Hurrying to the scout, both Nedrassa and M'Dar saw the survivor, though he was not at all what they expected:

A young Imperial infant, naked and unconscious, cradled in the arms of his mother's corpse.


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WORDS AND PHRASES

The Mane--the traditional ruler of Elsweyr

Vaba--lit. "it is", though it is often meant as "so be it"

M'Dar-Shan--roughly translates to "Young warrior prince" (M/Ma=Young, child; Dar=Warrior; Shan=prince/heir to a noble family or small clan)

Dharet--"I understand"

Sha dreiit--"come quickly" (Sha=fast/quick; dre=walk; -iit=a modifier indicating a way of life, an ethnic origin, an occupation, or a present-tense verb)


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Feel free to tell me what you think!

[Lithium Flower]

Nicely atmospheric and interesting. World building is always fun. You could consider posting it on fanfiction.net.

[Reverant]

I liked it. Good setup, and I'm a sucker for invented language.

I also commend you for your bravery for posting fanfic. I wrote some earlier this year, and while I did post it online, I refuse to let anyone I know actually read it. If someone discovered it, I would flat out lie that I wrote it.

[Dorkandproudofit]

Here's the second installation. To avoid a bit of confusion, I'd like to point out that, in Khajiit naming structure, the first letter or syllable (the one that comes before the apostrophe) is a modifier designating one's age or status, and as such changes as the person's age and/or status does. M/Ma becomes J/Ja, J/Ja becomes S, and so on. As such, when you see a character who in a previous chapter had a different modifier, just focus on the rest of the name as they are the same person. Also, keep in mind that when characters adress each other with their full names (prefix, middle, and suffix rather than just prefix and middle), they are being formal; shortening the name is a sign of familiarity. With that out of the way, Here's Chapter One, where the story really begins.

NOTE: As this story (for the most part) takes place in Elsweyr and involves mostly Khajiit, I will be using some "invented" words in the Khajiit language (aka Ta'agra) to make up for the fact that only a handful of words have been translated. At the end of each chapter, I will add a list of words and phrases I used here that the context of the story may not have made entirely clear. With that in mind, please enjoy the story!

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CHAPTER ONE
The Thief's Reward
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The merchant trotted out of the palace in Corinthe with a grin usually reserved for beasts after devouring fairly large prey. It was, however, somewhat appropriate, as he had just finished a lucrative business deal that promised him wealth beyond his wildest dreams. As a Dunmer, most people outside of Morrowind did not care for him, and in Elsweyr it was even more difficult; in addition to the general dislike and occasional suspicion of foreigners, he had developed a reputation for ruthlessness--a reputation he found acceptable given his occupation.

As he passed through the bustling market, a young man with shoulder-length dark brown hair and a traditional Khajiit scarf around his neck approached him.

"Pardon me, ramar, but you seem to have dropped your coin purse near the woodcrafting stall,"

The youth held out a fist-sized bag that made a clinking sound as it shook.

"Give me that," shouted the merchant as he quickly snatched the pouch and held it close to himself. "And how dare you adress me so commonly!"

"Ne vadhet, sir, I was only helping..."

"Well, help somewhere else, street urchin. I have more important business to attend to!"

The merchant shoved his way past and continued on his way, never thinking to look back; if he had, he would have seen a peculiar smirk on the young man's face as he disappeared into an alleyway.

After a while of walking through the bustling city, the merchant noticed something odd about the clinking sound coming from his coin purse, as well as an unusual weight. Removing it from his belt, he peered inside. What he saw turned his face white, then red, then an unsettling shade of purple: in place of gold and silver coins, there were iron nails, bolts and screws.


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The youth sat down in an alleyway behind a run-down local tavern, looking at the fruits of his handiwork: coins of gold and silver, adding up to nearly twenty septims--pocket change in Cyrodiil, but a fortune in poorer provinces such as Elsweyr. He had done this particular scam enough to have perfected it into an art form, but this was by far his most successful theft. As he stuffed the coins into the hidden pouch in his scarf, a familiar voice came from behind.

"How many times must you do this before it no longer amuses you?"

The thief whipped around to face the voice, which came from a khajiit who face belied a mix of frustration and slight embarassment.

"Ah! You startled me, rada."

"I told you not to refer to me as such, M'Na-Dan!"

"Sorry... J'Dar-Shan." M'Na averted his gaze as he said this; he clearly did not like having to be so formal.

"Must you always do this when we come to Corinthe for supplies? What if you had been caught?"

"Dune and Orcrest don't have anything worth pinching," said M'Na defensively. "Besides, that jisiit merchant deserved--"

"It doesn't matter. And I doubt clanmother would approve of your language."

The young thief stopped at that last sentence, a look of remorse on his face; J'Dar merely rolled his eyes dismissively. "Come, M'Na-Dan. Our business here is finished."

Standing up, he followed J'Dar toward the city gates, unaware that a shadowy figure had begun to follow them...


--------------------


After returning to Twin Moon, the J'Dar sent M'Na to carry the supplies to the common storage hut for distribution among the villagers. The crates in which the supplies (mainly crop seeds, clothing, iron for forging and other materials) were quite heavy, but M'Na had become used to his adoptive elder brother giving him the manual labor tasks. As he lay the last crate down and wiped his brow, he looked towards the village center, where J'Dar was talking with an emissary from another village; clan politics, even among smaller clans like the Khanassa, were a daily sight in desert villages, and as J'Dar was technically clan chieftain it was his responsibility to barter, trade and ally with other clans in the area. As he watched the exchange, something caught his eye: the emissary had brought his daughter again.

Shamora was in many ways average for a Khajiit her age, but her clear eyes and spotted fur coat indicated an older lineage. This barely registered in M'Na's mind, though, as his focus was on her general beauty. He often tried to block her from his mind whenever he saw her--after all, despite the fact that he identified himself more as a Khajiit than a human, he knew that they were still different species. Besides, as the daughter of a prominent member of another clan, she would likely be married off to J'Dar instead, which would explain the length of the meeting. Finishing his work, he went into the larger hut where he, J'Dar, and the clanmother lived.

Nedrassa was no longer in her prime, but was still perfectly capable of handling important affairs herself. Even so, with J'Dar taking up the mantle of clan chief she had mostly relegated herself to the dual role of priestess and advisor. As of late she had been making potions, and weaving clothes for the clan children, the latter of which she was doing when M'Na walked in.

"Ne varana, clanmother. May I speak with you for a moment?"

"You need not be so formal, my son. You are eighteen summers old, after all. Now what do you wish to speak of?"

"Why did you raise me?"

Nedrassa paused at the question. He had asked this of her before, but this time she heard something other than curiosity or loneliness in his voice; instead, there was a sense of frustration and longing.

"I have told you before, child. You needed a family, and I gave you one."

"But why not give me to one of my own kind?"

"I sense that the questions you speak are not the ones you truly wish to ask."

It was M'Na's turn to pause now. She had always been able to see through anyone, but they seemed to share a closer bond. Indeed, she was one of the few in the clan that treated him as one of their own.

"Cleverness and skill in stealth and trickery are prized among our people. Since I was old enough to understand, others have always insulted me. They have always told me that I would never be a true Khajiit, that I would never be equal to them."

Nedrassa nodded, sensing where this was going.

"So I trained myself to be as talented a thief as any true Khajiit, and yet my own brother still refuses to acknowledge me. I cannot even refer to him as my brother! And now..."

"You fear he will take Shamora from you."

"No, not... not take her. She is her own. It's just... I know nothing will ever come of it, but she was always the one dream I felt I truly had for myself."

Nedrassa stood and walked to him, placing her hand on his shoulder.

"You may not see it. Your brother may not see it. She may not see it... but you are still one of us. You must learn to look within, not without. Once you learn to do that, others will see as well."

"Dharet, clanmother, but I--"

The moment was interrupted by shouting coming from the courtyard. Nedrassa and M'Na rushed out of the hut to see several riders in light armor lead by a third in heavy armor; all of them were Dunmer, and bore a symbol of an eagle pierced by a sword on their armor. J'Dar pushed his way to the front of the crowd of villagers, and shouted in an accusatory tone:

"What is the meaning of this? We are in the middle of important business, and it does not concern you, outsiders!"

The leader of the Dunmer stepped forward with a scowl on his face.

"Your business will have to wait. Our patron was most displeased by the actions of your clan today, and one of you will pay the price!"

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WORDS AND PHRASES

Ramar--a highly formal name indicating a member of the nobility

Ne Vadhet--"I am sorry" (Ne=self-referencing prefix along the lines of "I" or "me"; Va=to be; Dhet=forgive); literally "Forgive me"

Rada--"elder brother" (Ra=prefix used to show high respect, or to indicate one's societal superior; Da=brother/sister)

M'Na-Dan--"Young Clawless One" (M/Ma=young/child; Na=without; Dan=Claw)

Jisiit--a fairly harsh swear word, often specifically indicating someone who maliciously cheats and/or mistreats others

Ne Varana--formal greeting (Ne=self-referencing prefix; Va=to be; rana=greet/welcome/hello); lit. "please welcome me"

Dharet--"I understand"

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I feel like I'm having trouble with the structure of conversations; I always feel like I'm using the wrong pronoun or repeating myself too much, but if I don't I feel like it might get confusing for the average reader. Any tips from more experienced writers?

[Lithium Flower]

I liked it. You continued to paint the setting very nicely though, if it were me- I would spend more time on describing the market, the cities, the people - all to make it that much more immersive.

With conversations, I think the trick is to keep in mind that people don't talk in exposition. Don't let your dialogue feel like it's meant for the reader and not the person to whom it's addressed. Shorter sentences, less formal tone (especially between peers) less use of names and addressals. People don't keep repeating the name of the person they're talking to, unless they need to differentiate between a number of people.

Consider

Joe: Hi Bob, how are you? I haven't seen you in two days. Are you coping ok after your divorce?"
Bob: Good to see you too, Joe. Thanks for asking about me. I'm doing well but it's hard to deal with a split after 15 years."

and compare to

Joe: Hi, how're you? Haven't seen you since Friday, coping okay with the divorce?"
Bob: Good to see too, thanks for asking. I'm pulling through but after 15 years, it's not easy right?

Try to blend in information in the dialogue rather than just throw in facts for the reader to pick up. Unnatural dialogue sticks out.

Edit: One more thing. I noticed that you had employed a number of exclamations and I would suggest that you cut down on those. Most of the time, an exclamation is only needed if you're not bracketing your quote with supporting narration and use of it should be rare so it stands out and grabs attention. E.g.

"Oh my god! Did you see that? It was incredible!"

"Oh my god," exclaimed Joe, in utter shock. "Did you see that? Incredible!"

[MagGnome]

Great work so far! I'm really enjoying your story.

[Kielaran]

Fun stuff. Keep posting!

[Dorkandproudofit]

I liked it. You continued to paint the setting very nicely though, if it were me- I would spend more time on describing the market, the cities, the people - all to make it that much more immersive.

With conversations, I think the trick is to keep in mind that people don't talk in exposition. Don't let your dialogue feel like it's meant for the reader and not the person to whom it's addressed. Shorter sentences, less formal tone (especially between peers) less use of names and addressals. People don't keep repeating the name of the person they're talking to, unless they need to differentiate between a number of people.

Consider

Joe: Hi Bob, how are you? I haven't seen you in two days. Are you coping ok after your divorce?"
Bob: Good to see you too, Joe. Thanks for asking about me. I'm doing well but it's hard to deal with a split after 15 years."

and compare to

Joe: Hi, how're you? Haven't seen you since Friday, coping okay with the divorce?"
Bob: Good to see too, thanks for asking. I'm pulling through but after 15 years, it's not easy right?

Try to blend in information in the dialogue rather than just throw in facts for the reader to pick up. Unnatural dialogue sticks out.

Edit: One more thing. I noticed that you had employed a number of exclamations and I would suggest that you cut down on those. Most of the time, an exclamation is only needed if you're not bracketing your quote with supporting narration and use of it should be rare so it stands out and grabs attention. E.g.

"Oh my god! Did you see that? It was incredible!"

"Oh my god," exclaimed Joe, in utter shock. "Did you see that? Incredible!"

Thank you for the advice; I revised the second chapter based on it and will keep it in mind for future installments. As for the text I bolded, I deliberately had interactions between the main character and his brother remain formal and on full-name basis to illustrate the distance between them (i.e., J'Dar doesn't truly consider M'Na family, thus his reaction to being referred as "brother" by M'Na in their first interaction in this chapter). As for the "scam scene" with the merchant, I had M'Na speak formally using titles and proper speech to show how good he is at smooth banter when conning (or stealing from) someone. Do you think a wealthy merchant would have reacted in the same fashion if M'Na went up to him and said, "Yo, pops, I found your dough-bag over there"? Also, the merchant's accusation that M'Na was adressing him "so commonly" despite the heavily respectful and formal speech style was my way of showing the merchant's arrogance and vanity.

All in all, though, thanks for the advice! I'll continue the story soon, I promise!

[Lithium Flower]

My observations weren't specific to what you posted but meant generally as a response to your request for advice about dialogue. I did note that the conversation between the two was intentionally formal because of their particular relationship, so in that instance, the general pitfall I was pointing out is subverted.

The story sounds great. You've made an interesting start and I look for to seeing where you head with it.

However, another common pitfall I've read countless times in FF is the tendency, especially with OCs, to gravitate towards Mary Sueism. Game universes are particularly fertile ground for this, because the whole setting is conceived to put the player character in an intentionally favourable light in order to enhance the gamer's pleasure and appeal to wish fulfilment. But when you're writing a character in such circumstances, with the intention to appeal to other people who are not perceiving it as a game-world avatar of themselves, you need to do a lot more work to make a well rounded, three dimentional protagonist and equally compelling side characters and antagonists. Mary Sues/Stuarts come in lots of different flavours. Some are burdened with extraordinary powers or a special destiny, others cannot escape their flawlessly sweet personalities and yet others tend to be perpetual victims of circumstance and nastiness and there are still more, who end up with all the symptoms above.

In fiction, compelling heroic characters tend to have a real and substantial character flaw(s) that tests them at every step of their journey and which they must overcome in order to prevail. Good antiheros have a series of substantial character flaws that they must work around or with in order to prevail, they also have the additional burden of earning and keeping the reader's sympathy to counteract the unethical or morally questionable things they must do to get ahead. Sympathic tragic heroes are generally good people at the height of success/fortune/happiness, who because of a significant personal flaw, end up in tragic circumstances. They are the architect of their own fate.

Mary Sues are characters who tend to adopt some or more of these characteristics because a new author embarking on a fresh project, might be tempted to draw from all his favourite characters without the accompanying counterweights. So it helps to be informed of where one could go wrong, right at the outset.

Fanfiction is a bit of a guilty pleasure of mine and I do proofreading/editing known otherwise as beta-ing on FF.net on occasion. I'm not certain what level of critique you're looking for here and so I've just tried to address some general blunders I've seen repeated. If you need more detailed or specific help, I'd be happy to oblige. Just drop me a pm. :)

[Dorkandproudofit]

I recently found an error in my translations: according to the Khajiit lore page on www.uesp.net, Dar means thief, not warrior (that would be Do, according to the same page). I have decided to keep the error intact in my story, however, as it is used in J'Dar-Shan's name as a means of indicating his social status/responsibilities/expectations, as well as his prideful nature. Also, Dar sounds better in the name than Do would, so there's that too. In any case, here's the next chapter.

NOTE: As this story (for the most part) takes place in Elsweyr and involves mostly Khajiit, I will be using some "invented" words in the Khajiit language (aka Ta'agra) to make up for the fact that only a handful of words have been translated. At the end of each chapter, I will add a list of words and phrases I used here that the context of the story may not have made entirely clear. With that in mind, please enjoy the story!

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CHAPTER TWO
Exile
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M'Na had arrived in the courtyard just in time to see all eyes in the clan focus on him. The expressions varied from face to face: shocked; Worried; Unsurprised; Angry; J'Dar. Yes, his brother's expression was unique, displaying a blend of unsurprised and angry, a look so furious that it rivalled the large group of heavily-armed Dunmer that had until now, been the center of attention.


"Ze viriit, M'Na-Dan," J'Dar pointed angrily at M'Na, then swept his hand toward the Dunmer group. "See what your foolish acts have brought down upon us!"

It did not take M'Na long to piece together what was happening. Ignoring his brother entirely, he turned his gaze towards the more obvious threat.

"If you are asking for me to apologize for lifting a few septims off your 'patron,' you might as well give up," His tone was at once both dismissive and angry. "He brought it on himself, acting the way he did. A mere cub could have passed as his elder!"

"Do you have any idea of whom you stole from, boy?" The lead Dunmer was positively fuming, his right hand beginning to reach for his longsword. Nedrassa broke her stunned silence in a vain attempt to defuse the situation:

"Please, calm down, ramar. Is there some arrangement we could--"

"Clanmother, how could you defend him? His actions have caused this, and even now he shows no responsibility for them," J'Dar interrupted.

"And why should I? He had it coming."

"Have you no sense at all, M'Na-Dan?"

"Please, my sons, calm down...

"ENOUGH!" The Dunmer roared, his patience nearly at an end. "There is but one arrangement--give the boy to us, else your entire clan will suffer!"

Before M'Na or Nedrassa could say any more, J'Dar shoved the former toward the armored man. "Take him and be gone from here!"

Nedrassa nearly recoiled at what had just been said. "What... what did you say? He is your brother--"

"He is not one of us. He never was, nor ever will be! His mere presence has caused embarrassment and damage enough to our clan."

The arguing began anew, this time between J'Dar and Nedrassa, and the rage within M'Na grew with each exchange, until he could stand it no more. With a bloodcurdling scream, he struck blindly at the nearest target: the Dunmer leader. With a single motion, the armored man knocked him aside, drew his sword, and struck to kill.

--------------------

It took several seconds for everyone present to process what had just happened. M'Na more than anyone else.

Seeing her adopted son knocked down by the Dunmer, Nedrassa had, without hesitation, thrown herself in front of the blade that would have taken his life. With an irritated grunt, the armored elf removed his blade and slung the dying woman to the ground.

"Mother!" A horrified M'Na leapt to her side; Nedrassa looked up at him weakly, caressed his face, and then fell silent.

At that moment, chaos ensued; The Dunmer leader barely had time to react before he was struck with blow after savage blow by J'Dar, who had become a frightening personification of pure rage. The myriad archers and riders did not last much longer amid the rush of vengeful Khajiit out for their blood, and above all the din was the sound of ultimate suffering as M'Na screamed in pain and anger.

Upon the death of the last offending Dunmer, all eyes turned to the dead clanmother, cradled in her charge's arms.

--------------------

Ze viriit--Look at this/that (Ze=second-person prefix, i.e. 'You'; Vir=look/see; -iit= suffix indicating a verb, ethnic origin, or way of life)

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I'm feeling a little more confident in my writing, but I don't want to get too cocky--keep the feedback coming!

[Lithium Flower]

Oh, this is quite nice. I see you're finding your legs as the story progresses. I especially liked the second 'scene'. Very nicely captured.

I had a minor suggestion which I'm putting in spoiler tags.

The expressions varied from face to face; shocked. Worried. Unsurprised. Angry. J'Dar. however, displayed the latter two more than anything else, appearing almost as angry as the large group of heavily-armed Dunmer that had, until now, been the center of attention.

This sentence is a bit clunky. I see what you're trying to do here and I think it's a good idea but the structure seems a bit off.

How about:

The expressions varied from face to face: shocked; Worried; Unsurprised; Angry; J'Dar. Yes, his brother's expression was unique, displaying a blend of unsurprised and angry, a look so furious that it rivalled the large group of heavily-armed Dunmer that had until now, been the center of attention.

[Dorkandproudofit]

This sentence is a bit clunky. I see what you're trying to do here and I think it's a good idea but the structure seems a bit off.

How about:

The expressions varied from face to face: shocked; Worried; Unsurprised; Angry; J'Dar. Yes, his brother's expression was unique, displaying a blend of unsurprised and angry, a look so furious that it rivalled the large group of heavily-armed Dunmer that had until now, been the center of attention.

That IS better. I think I'll steal it! :D

[Lithium Flower]

Great! Can't wait to read more.

[Dorkandproudofit]

I'm kind of regretting adding Shamora (the female Khajiit M'Na is checking out) in the first chapter--while the scene does work in terms of showing his conflicted identity as well as other aspects of his character, IMO it came out as if I were introducing a new character. Ah well. Here's the next chapter:

NOTE: As this story (for the most part) takes place in Elsweyr and involves mostly Khajiit, I will be using some "invented" words in the Khajiit language (aka Ta'agra) to make up for the fact that only a handful of words have been translated. At the end of each chapter, I will add a list of words and phrases I used here that the context of the story may not have made entirely clear. With that in mind, please enjoy the story!

--------------------
CHAPTER THREE
vengeance
--------------------


As he walked through the front gates of Orcrest, M'Na stopped and looked at the city center; he knew this was the poorest city in a poor region, but, having never seen it in person before, it still surprised him--while most city centers in Elsweyr had buildings surrounding a central courtyard filled with market stalls and a fountain or well for water, there was no such order here. Two or three mud-brick buildings along the outer wall, both of them unadorned and ugly, surrounding a simple oasis filled with water of questionable quality. Even Twin Moon was better than this. Moving on toward the residential area, M'Na recalled the events two days previously, when his world was shattered.

He had just managed to finish grieving as he gathered what few possessions were his. He attempted to walk toward Nedrassa's grave, but J'Dar and the other clan members blocked his path, pointing towards the road out of the village. He did his best not to look at the faces of his former clan--full of anger, hate, and worst of all, satisfaction at his exile. There would be time for grieving later. He had a mission, and he was determined to see it done.

--------------------

"This is it?" M'Na's voice carried more frustration than surprise at his new home, if it could be called that. There was only one room to it, with a single rickety chair, a small table that had obviously seen better days, a dust-covered blanket in one corner and in the opposite, a large chamber pot whose contents had yet to be cleaned out, if the horrendous smell was anything to go by.

"Take it or leave it, urchin. Or would you rather sleep outside, with the rats?"

Sighing heavily, M'Na tossed the town guard a few septims for the hovel. It was all he had left, but at least he now had a roof over his head. The guard left, eager to return to the barracks office. M'Na placed his bag on the floor, sifted through its contents, and grabbed what he needed--a pair of simple steel daggers, and a small scrap of paper with the symbol of an eagle pierced by a sword.

M'Na proceeded to search for answers, showing the symbol on the paper to as many people as he could, asking them if they knew who it represented. After several hours, he began to give up hope, and started back towards his makeshift home. It was then he noticed the trio of Orcs in his way.

"We understand you are searching for someone," the central figure said. He was fairly large, even for an Orc, and the gigantic hammer on his back would have intimidated most. M'Na, however, stood his ground.

"Khava za sha dreiit derevi. I am indeed looking for someone. I suppose you have something to say about that?"

"Yes. Stop looking." The Orc scowled, not quite understanding why M'Na was unimpressed by him. M'Na remained calm, and continued:

"Were you paid by someone to give me this message?"

"Yes--"

At that instant, M'Na drew his daggers and leapt at the leftmost assailant, cutting his throat in one swift motion. Before he could turn his gaze from the dead foe, M'Na was suddenly struck from the right by the central Orc's hammer. Rolling with the blow, M'Na attempted to stand, only to wince in pain from a broken rib and dislocated knee. Looking up, he saw the other two Orcs standing over him, ready to strike.

"You should have run, fool," said the leader, raising his hammer. M'Na sneered back, trying (and failing) to hide the severe pain he was in.

"Shut up and get it over with, zijariit."

M'Na closed his eyes, waiting for the final blow, when a cloaked figure approached, sword in hand.

"Let the boy go."

Both Orcs turned toward the strange man, who turned out to be a Khajiit. The leader chuckled in disbelief: "Could you repeat that? We thought you said--"

"I did. Let him go... and I'll let you live."

The two mercs charged in unison, but in two swift, precise strokes both were dead, the Khajiit not having moved an inch in killing them.

"Are you alright, boy?"

"Ze vare dreiit. I could have handled them. Ahh--" M'Na attempted to rise to his feet once more, but found himself unable to do so.

"Why do you speak Ta'agra like one of us, human?"

"Don't call me that! I don't care what people say, I'm-- Ah! Zijiri!"

The figure looked M'Na over, impressed by his determination and intrigued by what was said. After a pause, the man spoke calmly:

"Those Orcs were mercenaries from the local fighter's guild. They often work as enforcers for a major noble House from Morrowind. House Faronith."

M'Na stared at his rescuer in confusion. "Why are you telling me this?"

"You seem to have some deep grudge against them, no? I sense a great potential in you, young one, and were you to tell me your reasons for your anger, I would gladly aid you in developing your skill."

"And why should I trust you?"

"Did no one teach you to occasionally trust in fate?"

M'Na pondered this, his mind flashing back to the only mother he ever knew.

With new resolve, he took the hand of the mystery figure, prepared for whatever future awaited him.


--------------------

Khava za sha dreiit derevi--"Word travels quickly around here" (Khava=rumor/gossip; za=impersonal pronoun meaning "it"; sha=fast/quick; dre=walk; derevi=here)

Zijariit--curse word, roughly meaning "F---er"

Ze vare dreiit--"get out of here" (ze=second-person prefix, i.e. 'You'; Vare=away)

Zijiri--curse word, exclamatory; roughly, "F---"

--------------------

EDIT: Revised version is up!

[Lithium Flower]

I particularly liked the description of Ocrest and the squalor of the dilapidated room he shacked up in. It was very vivid and came alive on 'paper'. Nicely done. Generally I think this was a good chapter and I can't really think of much to critique here (just one teeny observation to follow below). I think Shamora was handled fine. I thought it was a deft touch. Focusing on her so precisely for a moment indicated her importance in his mind, which was good for character development. I liked the fight. It was nicely fluid and captured in appropriately broad strokes (rather than falling into the common trap of trying to relive an action sequence in words). It kept the action urgent and moving forward.

One little observation:
I would suggest that you make the fight harder for M'Na. We didn't see any struggle from him, any effort and that, fun as it is in gameplay, loses him a lot of sympathy points. In a heroic character, as readers, we want to see him struggle and strive to prevail, much more so in the beginning when he's just starting out on his adventure. It's good to build him up to epic levels of awesome, so that when he finally does succeed against the big bad, we know how far he's come. Starting out awesome is a negative in terms of character endearment. Remember how much trouble Harry Potter had with his Patronus? That's good! That wins reader-relatability points. If you make him awesome at the outset, then you need to be aware that you lose reader-relatability at that point and you will need to counter it - explain why he's more awesome than the professional mercenaries who have been in the fighting business a lot longer and give him handicaps to make him relatable again. He's always wins but he's also terribly fat and ugly (Po, Kung Fu Panda) or he's awesome at fighting but he's an ugly (and objectively ugly, not OMG- I'm a sexy cat creature half the fandom wants to sleep with-ugly), green mutant turtle (Ninja Turtles) or he's incredibly cool but he's an Ogre (Shrek). So far, M'Na is an orphan (neutral, slightly positive), he's hated by his clan (positive sympathy), he excels as a thief (negative sympathy), he's also awesome at fighting (negative sympathy), his mother-figure died defending him (negative sympathy).
Readers want to see him struggling to turn his destiny around and redeem himself for Nedrassa's death. If he beats the crap out of the first set of mercs he encounters, he's becoming too awesome to be retain reader-relatability. Just be cautious. Also, too many positives will take him straight into Mary Sue/Stuart territory as well, so the key here is balance. You need to stay neutral.


Good job otherwise! Keep it up!

[Dorkandproudofit]

I particularly liked the description of Ocrest and the squalor of the dilapidated room he shacked up in. It was very vivid and came alive on 'paper'. Nicely done. Generally I think this was a good chapter and I can't really think of much to critique here (just one teeny observation to follow below). I think Shamora was handled fine. I thought it was a deft touch. Focusing on her so precisely for a moment indicated her importance in his mind, which was good for character development. I liked the fight. It was nicely fluid and captured in appropriately broad strokes (rather than falling into the common trap of trying to relive an action sequence in words). It kept the action urgent and moving forward.

One little observation:
I would suggest that you make the fight harder for M'Na. We didn't see any struggle from him, any effort and that, fun as it is in gameplay, loses him a lot of sympathy points. In a heroic character, as readers, we want to see him struggle and strive to prevail, much more so in the beginning when he's just starting out on his adventure. It's good to build him up to epic levels of awesome, so that when he finally does succeed against the big bad, we know how far he's come. Starting out awesome is a negative in terms of character endearment. Remember how much trouble Harry Potter had with his Patronus? That's good! That wins reader-relatability points. If you make him awesome at the outset, then you need to be aware that you lose reader-relatability at that point and you will need to counter it - explain why he's more awesome than the professional mercenaries who have been in the fighting business a lot longer and give him handicaps to make him relatable again. He's always wins but he's also terribly fat and ugly (Po, Kung Fu Panda) or he's awesome at fighting but he's an ugly (and objectively ugly, not OMG- I'm a sexy cat creature half the fandom wants to sleep with-ugly), green mutant turtle (Ninja Turtles) or he's incredibly cool but he's an Ogre (Shrek). So far, M'Na is an orphan (neutral, slightly positive), he's hated by his clan (positive sympathy), he excels as a thief (negative sympathy), he's also awesome at fighting (negative sympathy), his mother-figure died defending him (negative sympathy).
Readers want to see him struggling to turn his destiny around and redeem himself for Nedrassa's death. If he beats the crap out of the first set of mercs he encounters, he's becoming too awesome to be retain reader-relatability. Just be cautious. Also, too many positives will take him straight into Mary Sue/Stuart territory as well, so the key here is balance. You need to stay neutral.


Good job otherwise! Keep it up!

Thanks for the advice. I decided to rewrite the fight scene from the ground up, partially due to your suggestions and partially to enhance the story a bit. Tell me what you think!

[Hawkzombie]

I came here expecting it to be about NCIS. I'm a little disappointed.

[Dorkandproudofit]

I came here expecting it to be about NCIS. I'm a little disappointed.

Keep it up, and I'll bring up your sock fetish again. I'm sure the others have new jokes about that... :D

[Lithium Flower]

Ah yes, interesting new character addition. yay! Sagely Mentor! I do like the changes much more. M'Na becomes instantly more accessible.

You know, one resource I always find very useful is tvtropes - (Apologetic Disclaimer: I claim no responsibility for lost productivity, wages, time and/or other incidental or consequential damages arising from the use of this suggestion). I find having a particular archetype and its expectations laid out clinically helpful in sketching characters out. Same goes for plot twists, devices, vehicles. It gives me a fair idea of what to avoid and how to subvert a trope or play it straight in an original or unusual manner.

[Dorkandproudofit]

I'm still in the process of working out the next part of the story, so in the meantime I thought I'd set down some of the basics of Ta'agra (the Khajiit language), including grammar, rules, pronunciation, etc. NOTE: Most, if not all, of the following information is made up by me based on the words and phrases used in the story so far.

--------------------

PRONUNCIATION

The pronunciation of Ta'agra is slightly more complicated than it apppears; several sounds are slightly "mixed". I'll try to make it as clear as I can.

A--pronounced somewhere between Apple and fAther.

E--"eh" as in bEt.

I--About halfway between "ih" as in mIddle and "ee" as in greet.

ii--always pronounced "ee", as exaggerated as that sound can get.

O--same as in English.

U--partway between "uh" as in mud and "oo" as in dupe.

The consonants are as follows:

D--same as in English.

DH--fairly soft, with a slight hint of "th" as in "there".

J--sounds kind of like the average "j" sound in English, but with a little bit of a"zh" sound, as in "Frere Jaques".

K--not often used, but always a hard "K" sound, as in "Kick".

KH--used a LOT. Sounds like the "ch" in "Ach, away with ye!"

M and N--Same as in English.

R--always with a slight roll.

S--same as in English. If doubled, though, it has a slight hiss to it.

SH--same as in English.

T--Same as in English.

V--Somewhere between the "v" as in "Victory" and a "b" sound as in "FitBabits".

Z--Same as in english.

--------------------

I'm typing this on my Android, and I'm getting a bit tired. I'll post more later.

[Dorkandproudofit]

Here is the next part of my lesson on Ta'agra. This time, I'll explain the various grammatical rules that I made up pretty much right now based on what I've already posted, as well as what is known in the games. Here we go...

--------------------

VERBS

Verbs can be fairly simple once you learn THE most important/commonly used suffix in the language: -iit.

-iit is used as a modifier for three things:


Designating an ethnic origin or occupation (as in "Khajiit");

indicating a verb ("dreiit"), and

signifying a present-tense verb or state of being (not yet used).


To create a verb using this, simply take the unconjugated form and add -iit. For example:

Dre is the unconjugated form of "walk". Then with the addition of this suffix, it becomes "Dreiit". If you want to make it present-tense, add the prefix "va-", meaning "to be" or "it is". Thus, "vadreiit" means "walking". Simple.

PRONOUNS

There are several pronouns in Ta'agra:

"Ne", meaning "I" or "me", "Ze" meaning "you", "De" meaning "him", "Di" meaning "her", "Za", meaning "it", and "Na" meaning "those" or "them".

To make the pronouns formal, simply add the prefix "ra-" to it. Again, simple.

NAMES

For men, names come in three parts:

1.) a prefix indicating age or social status,

2.) a middle, combined with a

3.) suffix, both of which create the actual name.

The middle and suffix are divided by a hyphen, and the prefix is divided from the rest of the name by an apostrophe.

Women in Khajiit society have only one part to their name, and rarely have a prefix honorific.

Khajiit familial structure is clan-based; instead of being divided into parent/child groups, all families are based around large extended groups. Small clans (like the main character's) can number in the tens, while large clans can number in several hundreds. Thus, one's clan name is their surname. To add that, simply add the prefix "V'" (the apostrophy is used to divide it from the name) to the clan name. Thus, the main character's full name is M'Na-Dan V'Khanassa.

--------------------

I'll post more later; I'm using a public computer right now, and my allotted time is running out.

[Dorkandproudofit]

Next part--please, more feedback!

NOTE: As this story (for the most part) takes place in Elsweyr and involves mostly Khajiit, I will be using some "invented" words in the Khajiit language (aka Ta'agra) to make up for the fact that only a handful of words have been translated. At the end of each chapter, I will add a list of words and phrases I used here that the context of the story may not have made entirely clear. With that in mind, please enjoy the story!

--------------------
CHAPTER FOUR
Preparation
--------------------


"That was... an intriguing tale to say the least." The mysterious Khajiit had listened quietly to M'Na for the duration of his story, never saying a word. Here and there a peculiar expression--perhaps amusement, perhaps whimsy, perhaps something else entirely--went across his face as he listened, but was gone as quickly as it appeared. A pause occured between them as they sat across the rickety table from each other, until M'Na broke the silence:

"So will you help me?"

"That depends on what you are willing to do. Should you desire my aid, there one condition you must fulfill."

Rising from his seat, the man walked around the table to M'Na's side. "You must swear an oath. One, that you will do as I say, when I say it, without question; two, that you will put aside all thoughts of your foe until I deem you ready; and three..."

A new expression crossed his face this time, but M'Na could not quite place it; the closest emotion he could connect with it was regret, but he was not certain.

"...And three, that you will trust me--no matter what."

M'Na, without hesitation, knelt, a strange sense of purpose guiding him. "I swear. I will do whatever it takes."

"Good answer," said the Khajiit, with a smile. "I suppose, however, that you would rather not remain in such a hovel as this. Come, I will show you to my home."

"Yes, ramar."

"Please... call me Dro'Ga-Za."

--------------------

Leaving Orcrest, M'Na followed his mentor into a strange part of the desert, dotted with ruins. As they crested a hill with a strange pyramid-like structure atop it, Dro'Ga pointed across the nearby valley to a conspicuous two-story manor house amid a garden of palms. "Welcome to my home--Esmerelda Manor."

Entering the front door, M'Na was stunned--the sheer opulence of the interior was unlike anything he had seen. Several paintings of fantastic landscapes hung on the walls, while the remains of a fire smouldered beneath a finely-carved mantle. In front of the fireplace, two cushioned chairs sat, a circular end-table between them. A magnificently woven carpet covered the floor, and bookshelves lined the walls. It was at this point, however, that M'Na noticed that everything, save for one of the chairs and a bookshelf in the corner below the second-floor balcony, was covered in a thin layer of dust. This place had been long out of use, save for Dro'Ga.

"I apologize for the state of my home. I have not had any guests since I purchased it, many years ago."

"Who lived here with you, ramar? It is certainly not a home built for one..."

Ignoring his charge, Dro'Ga guided M'Na up the stairs to the second floor, and showed him to a room with a small guest bed, a mirror, and a large chest at the foot of the bed. "Here is where you will sleep. My room is at the end of the hall; I must ask you, however, not to enter my chambers without my express permission. Nor may you wander the halls of my home at night, unless I allow it. Now, if you will place your effects in the chest, and follow me once more, I will show you where we shall train."

M'Na did as he was told, then followed his master again, down the stairs and towards a pair of doors toward the rear of the manor. Stepping through, he saw a small courtyard with a cobblestone floor and a pond, lined with plants and trees that had obviously grown unchecked for some time. Dro'Ga stood in the center of the courtyard, motioning for M'Na to stand in front of him.

"Here is your first test. I will stand here, and not move from this spot, while you stand in front of me and do the same. Upon my signal, you will be given three attempts to strike me with your hands. One successful strike from you will end the lesson. Fail three times, however, and I will strike you--and you must not move from your position as you attempt to evade me."

Nodding, M'Na took his place and readied himself. After a few seconds, Dro'Ga shouted, "JIVA!"

M'Na thrusted his fist out toward his master's head, but in a flash, his target had moved to the side as Dro'Ga effortlessly bent out of the way. "Ane!" His second attempt had similar results; aiming for a shoulder strike, his master again simply bent sideways, avoiding the attack entirely. "Dane!" Determined to hit at least once, M'Na threw both hands out this time, but both missed, as Dro'Ga bent backwards. "INE!"

A second later, M'Na was on his back, a swift blow to his chest having knocked him cleanly off his feet. Laughing, Dro'Ga looked down at him.

"Clearly, we are going to have to work on your technique. But it is becoming late, and I insist that you get your rest. The true training will begin tomorrow."

--------------------

Ramar--formal term indicating one's societal superior, or one's master

Dro'Ga-Za--"Old Iron-heart" ("dro"=prefix indicating maturity of age, a little more respectful than it sounds; "Ga"=heart/soul; "Za"=Metal/iron)

Jiva--"Begin", as a command ("Ji"=future-tense verb prefix; "va"= to be)

Ane, dane, ine--One, two, three, respectively

--------------------

Tell me what you think of this one--I feel a lot more comfortable now, so that probably means I'm doing something wrong. :p

[Dorkandproudofit]

Really? No one's even going to comment on my language-building?

[Lithium Flower]

SKYRIM!

Not bad, I liked the description of the manor and the mentoring angle seems to be working well. I noticed a couple of typos and punctuation errors, spoilered below. Good stuff otherwise. It should be interesting to see how you develop it.

"covered in a thin layer of dust; This place-" - this should read - "covered in a thin layer of dust. This place-"

"M'Na trusted his fist out toward his master's head" - this should read - "M'Na thrusted his fist out toward his master's head."

[Dorkandproudofit]

I think it's time I continued the story, don't you?

--------------------
CHAPTER FIVE
Secrets
--------------------

The next few weeks were extremely taxing on M'Na's body and spirit; one morning saw him carrying a large oak log from the markets in Dune back to the Manor, where he would be challenged to strike it with daggers from the break of dawn to the day's end. In addition to that, the close-combat drills had left him severely bruised on numerous occasions. Fortunately, his chambers were reasonably comfortable, which came in handy at the end of each day.

"MOTHER!" M'Na cried out, bolting up from his bed. His dreams had been haunted by Nedrassa's death since his exile; this night was no different. Unwilling to return to sleep, M'Na left his room to walk about and clear his head.

Remembering his master's rule about staying in bed at night, M'Na crept slowly out of his room and to his Dro'Ga's door. After confirming that his master was snoring heavily, he hastened down the stairs to the living area. As he neared the door to the courtyard, M'Na noticed a strange draft coming from the bookcase. After lighting a candle, M'Na discovered a hidden latch. He opened the door, eager to learn what secrets were held within.

The secret room was cross-shaped, with an alchemy lab on the right, a chapel to Kynareth on the left, and a large desk on the far end; the latter was most intriguing to M'Na, as it was covered with books, papers, and scrolls. Approaching the desk, he looked among the clutter of documents, but nothing could have prepared him for what he found within them; next to two scrolls filled with strange markings, an entry in a strange journal shocked him to his core:

4e 201, First Seed 3

The meziit knows nothing. It is better that way--had he known that his master was responsible for the death of his clanmother, it would surely destroy him. Worse, he might attempt to fight them on his own, and would surely die! Perhaps I should keep him away from Corinthe for the time being; Faronith's leader has arrived there, and I suspect he is searching for me even now. --------------------

Meziit--boy/child; somewhat affectionate term (Mezi=cub)

--------------------

Ooh, you can just FEEL the tension, can't you? :D

UPDATE: I wasn't too happy with the original draft of this chapter, so I rewrote it from the top. I already have a good idea of where the story should go, and this new version feels better suited to segue into the next part.

[Lithium Flower]

Interesting turn of events there and nice build up of tension, good description. The only thing that stands out slightly is that a sentence or clause to address M'Na breaking one of his mentor's fundamental conditions wouldn't be misplaced and in the same vein, perhaps a little more tension between the two at the start of the confrontation? Pretty minor quibbles really. It's coming up rather well rounded now. :)

[Panthera]

What's this? Fanfiction? Furry fanfiction?

One of us! One of us!

[Dorkandproudofit]

What's this? Fanfiction? Furry fanfiction?

One of us! One of us!

No! Never! You can't turn me! You can show me all the images you like, Cheetara, Lola Bunny, Minerva Minx, Krystal... hmm. That last one might not be so badNOOOOOOO!