Colony of Writers: A place to post writing samples for feedback

[ShadokatRegn]

Hello good old CoG. I've been recently working on a lot of crazy writing stuff, but have been struggling to get honest opinions about things since most of my "readers" are my friends. I find the best way to get honest feedback is to ask people who don't know me as well, so I thought I'd throw a thread this way in case there are any like me on the site.

I know a lot of you know each other pretty well, but perhaps not. At the very least I only know a few of the staffers and maybe one or two CoG'ers - and certainly not well enough to know them personally. So in the hopes of fresh eyes and new opinions (for both myself and those of you interested), I create the Colony of Writers.

"Give criticism to receive criticism, learn and grow accordingly"

[VerseD]

I support your initiative, and have gotten some good feedback from CoG; but we should definitely relocate to here (http://colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/forumdisplay.php?f=14). You could be the only other person to post in the Sentence Starters I've put up every week for a month.

[ShadokatRegn]

Here's my first bit of feedback requested. Yes, I know it's in the form of a link - but it makes it easier for me to keep track of where I've posted it if the content stays primarily in my blog. I'd really appreciate a quick look (It's under 2k words) and any suggestions, criticisms, or whatever else you think I need to know about this first chapter.

Chapter 1 - Amber Adler (http://www.mixedbagmusing.com/2011/05/rough-draft-chapter-one-amber-adler.html)

I also encourage people to post their own stuff. If you have a blogger you don't have to worry about copyright stuff - they keep the date and time you posted, so if anyone steals it you have proof via google.

[ShadokatRegn]

I support your initiative, and have gotten some good feedback from CoG; but we should definitely relocate to here (http://colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/forumdisplay.php?f=14). You could be the only other person to post in the Sentence Starters I've put up every week for a month.

I have no idea how to move a thread, and I'm not big on digging through forums. I know, I'm technologically retarded, but I felt the "pages" description applies here well enough that it shouldn't be an issue. I mean, the whole community seems to be heavy on the arts - so why not here?

EDIT: Or, Nick can move it since he has magical mod powers. :)

[Spectre-7]

CoW? :otooshort

[OUX]

Here's my first bit of feedback requested. Yes, I know it's in the form of a link - but it makes it easier for me to keep track of where I've posted it if the content stays primarily in my blog. I'd really appreciate a quick look (It's under 2k words) and any suggestions, criticisms, or whatever else you think I need to know about this first chapter.

Chapter 1 - Amber Adler (http://www.mixedbagmusing.com/2011/05/rough-draft-chapter-one-amber-adler.html)

I also encourage people to post their own stuff. If you have a blogger you don't have to worry about copyright stuff - they keep the date and time you posted, so if anyone steals it you have proof via google.

The lighter stuff: Lose courier it sucks for fiction. You have a lot of inconsistent capitalization, not a big deal just find all the proper nouns in there and make sure they agree. Also, some grammar, run-on sentence etc. put it in a drawer for a couple weeks then print it out and read it out loud. 99% of these errors will scream at you so they are easy to catch.

I don't mean to be harsh, but critiques are not terribly helpful unless they are brutal. Writing is hard. I won't give you any compliments. Not because I don't have any, but because you need to decide what you did well, and what you liked. Workout what your voice is for yourself. The spoiler bit is more of the brutal stuff. It is meant as constructive, not a personal reprimand. In every workshop I have ever been in, people seem to think brutal critiques are about them. Just letting you know this is not the case. Writing is hard because it is so much more difficult to point and say, "mistake." The rest of the arts have it easy, everyone including the artist know when they hit a wrong note, flub a line, or accidentally paint a mustache on their mom because the they are watching American Dad reruns instead of paying attention. Writers do not have that luxury.

Don't break the forth wall, ever, unless you are using a framing technique like having the character recount a chronicle from their life. See Moby-Dick, Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner, Devil in a Blue Dress etc.

Your character is all over the place, mostly because of the language. She is either a hard-boiled detective, as the language you use would suggest, or she is a modern sleuth that thinks her hair can use some TLC and uses adjectives like "spiffy."

Also, never use acronyms. It comes off as lazy, amateur, and never does well outside of the science fiction genre.

Delete every adjective in the the piece and then read it, only dropping them back in if it was integral to the meaning of the sentence. Omit needless words.

It drips clichés. Lose them, either figure out an original spin or drop the thought from the draft. These were what I saw on one read:

said it a thousand times, Times, they're tough, Up and down on the roller coaster of life., Some days you're up, My fake smile, life as a private investigator is not really like the detective stories, good old days, My home away from home, keeping my chair warm, Don't get me wrong though, dreams of chasing cats come to life., rubbing the sleep from my eyes.

In closing it is almost completely exposition. Explain through the story, don't have the character sit and talk at us. If someone chooses to read a detective story it is because they want to follow the life of the exotic life of the detective not have the detective tell them what she thinks about her life.

Good luck!

[ShadokatRegn]

The lighter stuff: Lose courier it sucks for fiction. You have a lot of inconsistent capitalization, not a big deal just find all the proper nouns in there and make sure they agree. Also, some grammar, run-on sentence etc. put it in a drawer for a couple weeks then print it out and read it out loud. 99% of these errors will scream at you so they are easy to catch.

I don't mean to be harsh, but critiques are not terribly helpful unless they are brutal. Writing is hard. I won't give you any compliments. Not because I don't have any, but because you need to decide what you did well, and what you liked. Workout what your voice is for yourself. The spoiler bit is more of the brutal stuff. It is meant as constructive, not a personal reprimand. In every workshop I have ever been in, people seem to think brutal critiques are about them. Just letting you know this is not the case. Writing is hard because it is so much more difficult to point and say, "mistake." The rest of the arts have it easy, everyone including the artist know when they hit a wrong note, flub a line, or accidentally paint a mustache on their mom because the they are watching American Dad reruns instead of paying attention. Writers do not have that luxury.

Don't break the forth wall, ever, unless you are using a framing technique like having the character recount a chronicle from their life. See Moby-Dick, Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner, Devil in a Blue Dress etc.

Your character is all over the place, mostly because of the language. She is either a hard-boiled detective, as the language you use would suggest, or she is a modern sleuth that thinks her hair can use some TLC and uses adjectives like "spiffy."

Also, never use acronyms. It comes off as lazy, amateur, and never does well outside of the science fiction genre.

Delete every adjective in the the piece and then read it, only dropping them back in if it was integral to the meaning of the sentence. Omit needless words.

It drips clichés. Lose them, either figure out an original spin or drop the thought from the draft. These were what I saw on one read:

said it a thousand times, Times, they're tough, Up and down on the roller coaster of life., Some days you're up, My fake smile, life as a private investigator is not really like the detective stories, good old days, My home away from home, keeping my chair warm, Don't get me wrong though, dreams of chasing cats come to life., rubbing the sleep from my eyes.

In closing it is almost completely exposition. Explain through the story, don't have the character sit and talk at us. If someone chooses to read a detective story it is because they want to follow the life of the exotic life of the detective not have the detective tell them what she thinks about her life.

Good luck!

As a rough draft I have caught quite a few of the errors - but that's not really my concern with writing feedback. I'm mostly looking for content; the character, the situation, the descriptions and such.

Not that I don't appreciate the technical feedback, but most of that stuff I'll take care of simply by re-reading it as you said (On my own, out loud like a crazy person). How did any of the other stuff I mentioned work for you? Not fishing for compliments by any means, but looking for more contextual feedback than anything.

Oh, I see - you hid it under a spoiler bar. Reading now - thanks for the feedback!

[OUX]

No worries, if you need clarification let me know.

[ShadokatRegn]

No worries, if you need clarification let me know.

Nope - just not familiar with the spoiler thingy here. I get what you're saying about the stuff you pointed out, and I'm working on some fun ways to edit things :)

Now others need to post stuff for me to read, too!

[rein]

Karak should post in this thread. You will think it is fiction but it's not.

[evilgoodwin]

My post in the "Foreigner" sentence starter could use a look-see. Not the story itself, but the idea behind the story. I think I could expand on it a lot to make it a longer, better story itself (after changing a few things about the character to make her less "milla jovovich-esque" :P)

[ShadokatRegn]

My post in the "Foreigner" sentence starter could use a look-see. Not the story itself, but the idea behind the story. I think I could expand on it a lot to make it a longer, better story itself (after changing a few things about the character to make her less "milla jovovich-esque" :P)

Hmm, link? I'm fairly retarded when it comes to navigating a forum, sorry guys!

[Purple Santa]

Karak should post in this thread. You will think it is fiction but it's not.

Karak should post in here but not his "real life" stories. I've read some of his stuff...the man can write.

[Joshkdmw]

Wrote a ghost story in another thread I wouldn't mind feedback on. Not a long read: http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/showthread.php?p=844038#post844038