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menage
04-07-2011, 12:03 PM
At the moment it does. I went to the doctor with my girlfriend this morning to view an echo of our baby, turns out it's a miscarriage.

I'm pretty devastated right now, like my girl is as well. Luckely we have quite a few friends around, and family, and the doctors were ver nice but this just blows.

Just went out for a pack of smokes, fuck this shit. I'll quit again tomorrow.

burger
04-07-2011, 12:04 PM
sorry to hear that...my girl and I are trying to have a baby so I understand your pain...it can be an emotional rollercoaster.

violent
04-07-2011, 12:06 PM
I know it doesn't seem so but this is a good thing. Your wife's body knew something wasn't right and let it go. Doesn't make it any easier but it's better than bringing a disadvantaged child into the world. Try again.

Scull
04-07-2011, 12:09 PM
My condolences sir. My wife and I have had 2 lost pregnancies, and it is a hard thing every time. You have my best wishes, and assurances that things can get better.

iHap
04-07-2011, 12:10 PM
Damn. That's tough news.

Also, Damn Onions.

http://i54.tinypic.com/34xl6x1.jpg

biosc1
04-07-2011, 12:11 PM
I know it doesn't seem so but this is a good thing. Your wife's body knew something wasn't right and let it go. Doesn't make it any easier but it's better than bringing a disadvantaged child into the world. Try again.

Same advice given to a couple of my wife's best friends. One is actually due to give birth to her second baby boy any day now and if her first baby boy is any indication, it'll be a healthy vibrant kid.

During my wife's pregnancy, it was definitely always in the back of my mind that something could go wrong, but we held strong to the belief that something would only go wrong if it was meant to go wrong.

Ink Asylum
04-07-2011, 12:21 PM
Ouch. Sorry to hear that. Condolences to you both and good luck trying again.

wyeast
04-07-2011, 12:33 PM
It's the dirty little secret of adulthood. We spend our teenage years being told over and over again, "ZOMG! Just look at a girl funny and WHAM! She's knocked up!"

But then we get old and find some nice girl, and all of a sudden it's all "Surprise! It's fucking DIFFICULT to start a family" (and the subsequent stress and emotional damage you'll lay into your relationship, but that's a whole other thread topic)

Short version is, you're not alone. Miscarriages and other fertility issues are way more common than anyone likes to admit, and it hits your heart way harder than anyone expects it to. When we had ours, I finally wandered into work a wreck, and the best thing my cube-mate did was to tell me to go the fuck home, and that he would cover my jobs for me. :o

All you can do is to be there for each other so you can pick yourselves up and try again.

Also, in future pregnancies, your OB/gyno may try to rush through the sonograms (of which you'll get many just to reassure you that everything is ok the next time). Sometimes. Just sometimes, in their haste they may miss the fact that there are more than one hiding in there.

... you'll just have to trust me on that one. :eek: :D

I'm very sorry to hear, and best wishes getting back into that saddle for another try. :)

Mashidar
04-07-2011, 12:36 PM
My condolences. My wife and I went through a miscarriage once as well and it was rough. But what violent said I'll have to echo. Keep trying because after we delt with the loss, we now have two beautiful girls.

wyeast
04-07-2011, 12:43 PM
... and now I have a new movie I need to see. :)

(edit: after having read an excerpt, maybe I'll just shorten the process and see if I can pick up a copy of the screenplay at Powell's) :o

rein
04-07-2011, 01:16 PM
I can't really think of anything to say other than to wish you and your significant other the best as you get through this.

TheKeck
04-07-2011, 01:20 PM
I'm sorry man. That does suck. Best wishes to you.

Hawkzombie
04-07-2011, 01:23 PM
I came in here totally ready to be 'Ha! Life doesn't suck!' etc...but my condolences. It's always hard when something like that blindsides you.

But dust yourself off, take a deep breath, smile to yourself, and keep going. It's the best anyone can do.

Vermillion
04-07-2011, 01:25 PM
My thoughts go out to you. Trying to have kids is crazy stressful.

After seven years of trying, my wife and I were told by the doctor we would never have kids. That was pretty rough as well. We finally got around to getting ready to adopt 2 years later and then we found out we were having a baby. Things tend to work out. Now once I find out who the daddy is...

Don't give up. Keep trying!

Scaryfaced
04-07-2011, 01:40 PM
I'm really sorry to hear that, mate. Good luck to you and yours.

Generation ABXY
04-07-2011, 02:23 PM
Jesus, menage, I'm sorry to hear that.

menage
04-07-2011, 02:31 PM
Thanks for the support guys. It means a lot, and I'm not saying that just because.

I know it doesn't seem so but this is a good thing. Your wife's body knew something wasn't right and let it go. Doesn't make it any easier but it's better than bringing a disadvantaged child into the world. Try again.

We're trying to rationalize it that way as well, but feelings just jump up and down at the moment. I know you're telling the truth, but it's still feels like a slap in the face. Funny thing is, you even start doubting yourself. Could I have done shit to prevent it? I know it's insane but shit just suddenly creeps up on you just when you think you got it all figured out. And the cycle repeats.

It's the dirty little secret of adulthood. We spend our teenage years being told over and over again, "ZOMG! Just look at a girl funny and WHAM! She's knocked up!"

But then we get old and find some nice girl, and all of a sudden it's all "Surprise! It's fucking DIFFICULT to start a family" (and the subsequent stress and emotional damage you'll lay into your relationship, but that's a whole other thread topic)

Short version is, you're not alone. Miscarriages and other fertility issues are way more common than anyone likes to admit, and it hits your heart way harder than anyone expects it to. When we had ours, I finally wandered into work a wreck, and the best thing my cube-mate did was to tell me to go the fuck home, and that he would cover my jobs for me.

No shit. Al this effort and pressure to not get pregnant and when you finally want to it takes fucking ages. That's why it's so hard. I didn't even realize I wanted this this badly until today, when it got taken away (for hopefully a short time). Before this I was just pretty vague about it to myself cause it was a hugely abstract thing. Now it's Niagra Falls. At least I know I was on the right path now.

I'm def. glad I'm between jobs at the moment. I just quit mine a week ago (got a bag of money so I'm good for a couple of months), so I have time and energy to deal without to have that burden over my head.

Now once I find out who the daddy is...]

I laughed, thanks for that.

violent
04-07-2011, 02:45 PM
We're trying to rationalize it that way as well, but feelings just jump up and down at the moment. I know you're telling the truth, but it's still feels like a slap in the face. Funny thing is, you even start doubting yourself. Could I have done shit to prevent it? I know it's insane but shit just suddenly creeps up on you just when you think you got it all figured out. And the cycle repeats.


Honestly, I'd be concerned if you weren't feeling that way. No matter how you slice is, this isn't easy and you have to go through your pains. At some point, you have to choose to start looking at the ahead once again. Life is a cruel bitch and she often leaves you with little other option.

TheFlyingOrc
04-07-2011, 02:47 PM
How far along was she? I know that a very large percentage of pregnancies miscarry within the first few months, which is a big part of why you shouldn't start blabbing the first moment a test comes back positive.

I hope that doesn't sound like I'm trivializing it - I just wanted you to know that this happens to a lot of people a lot of the time, but it's kept very, very private, so a lot of people don't realize that they're not alone.

You're not alone. :)

Chimpbot
04-07-2011, 02:59 PM
We're trying to rationalize it that way as well, but feelings just jump up and down at the moment. I know you're telling the truth, but it's still feels like a slap in the face. Funny thing is, you even start doubting yourself. Could I have done shit to prevent it? I know it's insane but shit just suddenly creeps up on you just when you think you got it all figured out. And the cycle repeats.

Don't beat yourself up over this, because there really isn't anything you could have done differently.
If I operate under what I'm guessing is an extremely safe assumption, both you and your girlfriend probably take fairly good care of yourself and don't abuse alcohol or drugs, especially with the possibility of having a little one running around. Based off of your reaction, I'm guessing this is something both of you wanted...so, I'm sure appropriate steps and precautions were being made.

At the end of the day, that's all you can do.

Although this phrase may be a bit overused, it still has a ring of truth to it; everything happens for a reason. I know it was mentioned earlier and it may not help you cope immediately...but things such as this tend to be for the best. You probably can't quite see that right now, but just keep that in mind.

Things like this usually aren't anyone's fault. It's just the product of an imperfect system; when it works, it's amazing...but unfortunately, it doesn't always work. Just keep in mind that there's always another day.

Widgetcraft
04-07-2011, 03:02 PM
You'll get through this okay man, you just have to keep going and do your best to comfort your girlfriend, take some time to get yourselves together and then try again. Nothing either of you could have done would have changed this, it's just a reality of nature. I wish you the best of luck in the future; sorry if this isn't the best reassurance, but there isn't much else to be said.

Ox
04-07-2011, 03:09 PM
I will pray for you and your family.

National Kato
04-07-2011, 03:22 PM
Sorry to hear this, menage. Thoughts are with you and your family, brother.

Clark
04-07-2011, 05:05 PM
Sorry to hear this. You guys are in my thoughts for sure.

Shrinn
04-07-2011, 05:14 PM
Damn, man. That's rough. I'm very sorry to hear that. I'm only gonna mirror what everyone else said and say that you can get through it.

Shieldmaiden
04-07-2011, 05:31 PM
That's terrible news, I'm so sorry to hear that. I know what a great support network CoG is, so just remember that we're all here for you.

menage
04-07-2011, 06:08 PM
How far along was she? I know that a very large percentage of pregnancies miscarry within the first few months, which is a big part of why you shouldn't start blabbing the first moment a test comes back positive.

I hope that doesn't sound like I'm trivializing it - I just wanted you to know that this happens to a lot of people a lot of the time, but it's kept very, very private, so a lot of people don't realize that they're not alone.

You're not alone. :)

Yeah, I know. She was 10 weeks, so still pretty early, but it still hurts cause we've been trying for 9 months or so. 10% Of all women (that's a fucking lot) go through this, but you never hear much about that shit indeed (why I haven't got a clue). And you never think you're going to be part of it. I know that's still a reasonable time. But it's hard to rationalize when friends keep popping em out. It's also my first time she was ever pregnant, so you really not prepared for any of this shit.

Please don't misunderstand. I'm happy for them, I love those kids. But my GF wanted this more than anything, so I'm not really rational at the moment.

everything happens for a reason. I know it was mentioned earlier and it may not help you cope immediately...but things such as this tend to be for the best. You probably can't quite see that right now, but just keep that in mind.

It's for the best I know. Although for a reason is just the thing that makes me doubt if I could have done things differently. I know it's meant differently, but paranoia goes a long way in this case. Don't think of it as something negative towards you, but something I have to go through apparantly. I'm pretty confused right now:)

Thanks again guys. GOG is a great place:).

Also, life doesnt suck, just parts of sometimes. Just didn't know what to write.

wyeast
04-07-2011, 06:51 PM
Yeah, I know. She was 10 weeks, so still pretty early, but it still hurts cause we've been trying for 9 months or so. 10% Of all women (that's a fucking lot) go through this, but you never hear much about that shit indeed (why?). And you never think you're going to be part of it. I know that's still a reasonable time. But it's hard to rationalize when friends keep popping em out. It's also my first time she was ever pregnant, so you really not prepared for any of this shit.

Please don't misunderstand. I'm happy for them, I love those kids. But my GF wanted this more than anything, so I'm not really rational at the moment.



It's for the best I know. Although for a reason is just the thing that makes me doubt if I could have done things differently. I know it's meant differently, but paranoia goes a long way in this case. Don't think of it as something negative towards you, but something I have to go through apparantly. I'm pretty confused right now:)

Thanks again guys. GOG is a great place:).

Also, life doesnt suck, just parts of sometimes. Just didn't know what to write.

You don't hear a lot about it precisely because of how you're feeling, like it's somehow your fault - so people keep it bottled up inside, something not really shared unless you happen to be in the right environment.

When we had ours, we were in the middle of a cluster of pregnant couples (a bunch of our friends happened to be in the same stage in life at the same time, so there were a whole clump of us trying/preggo for the first time within a year or two of each other) - I know it can be rough, especially when you're trying so hard to be happy for your friends, all the while you're shattered on the inside.

You need to remind yourselves that this doesn't necessarily mean you're doomed every time. It doesn't mean you could have done anything different. Sometimes it just happens, "reason" or not. Nature is a beyotch and often things don't work out at that precise moment.

Also, the 10% statistic I think is a little low. Chances do increase w/ age, but I think the range is closer to 10% - 25% (with overall being about 15% for women under 35).

When you consider how many women are pregnant more than once, that number becomes HUGE as to how many of us have experienced/know someone who experienced this.

I know it's hard to be rational. Again, the message here is you're not alone, and if you or she need to continue to vent, we're here for you. :)

wsuhoey
04-07-2011, 07:09 PM
My condolences. I have nothing to add that everyone else hasn't said already.

Gwinny
04-07-2011, 08:00 PM
I'm very sorry to hear about your loss.

Kielaran
04-08-2011, 05:28 AM
That really sucks. My thoughts are with you and yours.

Bad Buddha
04-08-2011, 06:12 AM
So sorry to hear of this.

All I can say is that you need to be there for each other. You might be crushed, but she needs you to be her rock right now.

There's a life ahead that doesn't suck.

menage
04-08-2011, 09:05 AM
All I can say is that you need to be there for each other. You might be crushed, but she needs you to be her rock right now.


I am, at least as much as possible. But I know I am.

We went to the hospital today and talked to some people. On Monday they're going to remove it. We could wait till it happens, but frankly, the uncertainty wasn't worth it for both of us, and being at home alone waiting for it doesn't seem like a very inviting prospect seeing as the procedure takes like a couple of hours in total (in and out of the hospital) without much consequence.

We're doing a lot better today than yesterday. Under circumstances of course.

Writing about this shit helps as well.:)

Bone
04-08-2011, 10:28 AM
So sorry menage. Life doesn't suck, although it can feel that way when you're tested on it. Be strong for her and you guys will make it through to the good stuff again.

Backseat Killer
04-10-2011, 06:49 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. My husband and I went through this last year. It was my first time being pregnant and we were really excited when we found out. Then we miscarried - it was heartbreaking but you do make it through. Hug her, tell her you love her and when the time is right, you will try again. Until then, practice like crazy.

Like Wyeast said, the irony is that it is easier to get pregnant when you aren't ready (teenagers) and hard when you really want to (30s).

evilgoodwin
04-10-2011, 09:55 PM
I also offer my condolences. My thoughts are with you and yours.