Mr. Murphy
09-10-2010, 12:22 PM
I've been getting emails from some company in the mid-west for years now, even though I keep asking them to remove me from their list. Well after the one I got today, I just decided to make myself laugh while I was at it.
I find this in my inbox (spoilered for size, even though it's not long):
Hey all. I just wanted to send out a quick email regarding parking on the streets. For the last year or two I have been parking on the street. A lot of the times I would park the wrong way simply because it was easier. Well, I just got a ticket from Park Atlanta for "wrong way parked". It was only $25 dollars, but enough to be annoying. I've talked to several of my friends and they have seen Park Atlanta in the Virginia Highlands area. I looked up the violation code and it says any vehicle parked or stopped on a two-way street must be stopped or parked with the right hand wheels parallel to and within 12 inches of the right hand curb. Basically, parked facing the flow of traffic. Just wanted to give everyone a heads up, especially those of us who like to park the wrong way.
One other FYI. About a month or so ago my wife's hubcaps were stolen as well as the person who parks beside her. . . both stolen while in our parking lot. Everyone keep an eye out. Thanks!
After a few minutes cleaning it up a bit, I sent him (and everyone else on the company list) this response:
Yo Jeremy, I'm just some dude, I don't work for your factory furnishing store. Can you remove me from your address book please?
Seems like an interesting business, furnishing factories. I've always thought that the dairy plant downtown could use a few recliners, maybe an end-table or two. I assume you make loveseats for factory workers to rest on between shifts at the machines. It's really great that you guys support the steel workers' lifestyles', knowing that it means everybody assumes that you, personally, Jeremy Cummo, are gay. I'm extremely interested in a catalog, I think I'd like a duvet cover for my boiler press.
I think the Justin you want is justinbruns@gmail.com, without the period between the names. I wouldn't want to assume, though - it is entirely possible that, even though I don't reside in your state or indeed near it, you have sensed a telepathic connection with me, forged in the ever-night, a bond that transcends physical space and time, and now you are imparting information most vital to my future endeavors, in which case, I thank you Jeremy Cummo. I thank you for saving my future.
I have to say, I'm surprised at your surprise, when you learned you couldn't park on the wrong side of the street. You can't drive on that side either, so I don't get how you got your car over there to park. Maybe you have one of those jumping cars, in which case, hook a brother up. Either way, make sure you don't drive on that side, even if it's easier? I guess it never came up on your drivers' test? That's understandable - my drivers test took me completely by surprise, it was kind of a surpriser's test, if you will, because the instructor only tested me on how to fly hot air balloons. This would have been more of a problem were-it-not for the fact that a) my brother owns and yet has no legal right to operate a hot air balloon and b) neither did my tester, so all of the appropriate actions for driving a hot air balloon were instead translated to more common vehicular controls. As you can imagine this was no problem at all, until it came time to parallel park and I found myself on the roof of the DMV.
You're probably one of those people who rushes ahead to block the intersection when the light turns green, even though there's nowhere to go, or who changes lanes while going around a two-lane curve, aren't you? My instructor told me about you. Do you often stop at intersections where you have no stop sign, and try to "be nice" by waving people into traffic who have no legal right-of-way? We are all aware of this ploy, to trick us into being struck by oncoming traffic and sued! The last time I was sued, it didn't turn out so well for the suitor. His sweet suet stained his (wicked sweet) somber suit during the suit, and when he got it back to his suite, the sweets had seeped into the suit so much that soon he felt like suing the suit maker, the suite owner, and the sweet suet maker all at the same time. Poor guy ended up bitter about the whole thing.
You seem like you are more upset about your wife's hubcaps than you are about the poor person who parked beside her. Losing your hubcaps, while terrible, is certainly not that big of an issue in light of this recent kidnapping. If one of my co-workers had been "stolen", which I assume means "sold on the international sex slave market", I'd at least make up a few flyers at lunch or something. Unless I had a lot to eat that day. I mean, who knows, maybe the kidnappers saw who stole your hubcaps.
Anyway, good luck!
Justin
I put this in this forum because I've been writing very serious stuff lately, and it felt good to write something that made myself laugh. I've been watching a lot of british sitcoms lately (Garth Marenghi's Darkplace is a must-see, if you like dry humor, laughing at goth-y people who take themselves too seriously, the IT Crowd or good/bad 70s horror) so maybe this was a little dry, but I hoped it would be funny enough to not sound too mean. Either way, I had fun with it, so who gives a fuck.
Anyone written anything funny lately?
I find this in my inbox (spoilered for size, even though it's not long):
Hey all. I just wanted to send out a quick email regarding parking on the streets. For the last year or two I have been parking on the street. A lot of the times I would park the wrong way simply because it was easier. Well, I just got a ticket from Park Atlanta for "wrong way parked". It was only $25 dollars, but enough to be annoying. I've talked to several of my friends and they have seen Park Atlanta in the Virginia Highlands area. I looked up the violation code and it says any vehicle parked or stopped on a two-way street must be stopped or parked with the right hand wheels parallel to and within 12 inches of the right hand curb. Basically, parked facing the flow of traffic. Just wanted to give everyone a heads up, especially those of us who like to park the wrong way.
One other FYI. About a month or so ago my wife's hubcaps were stolen as well as the person who parks beside her. . . both stolen while in our parking lot. Everyone keep an eye out. Thanks!
After a few minutes cleaning it up a bit, I sent him (and everyone else on the company list) this response:
Yo Jeremy, I'm just some dude, I don't work for your factory furnishing store. Can you remove me from your address book please?
Seems like an interesting business, furnishing factories. I've always thought that the dairy plant downtown could use a few recliners, maybe an end-table or two. I assume you make loveseats for factory workers to rest on between shifts at the machines. It's really great that you guys support the steel workers' lifestyles', knowing that it means everybody assumes that you, personally, Jeremy Cummo, are gay. I'm extremely interested in a catalog, I think I'd like a duvet cover for my boiler press.
I think the Justin you want is justinbruns@gmail.com, without the period between the names. I wouldn't want to assume, though - it is entirely possible that, even though I don't reside in your state or indeed near it, you have sensed a telepathic connection with me, forged in the ever-night, a bond that transcends physical space and time, and now you are imparting information most vital to my future endeavors, in which case, I thank you Jeremy Cummo. I thank you for saving my future.
I have to say, I'm surprised at your surprise, when you learned you couldn't park on the wrong side of the street. You can't drive on that side either, so I don't get how you got your car over there to park. Maybe you have one of those jumping cars, in which case, hook a brother up. Either way, make sure you don't drive on that side, even if it's easier? I guess it never came up on your drivers' test? That's understandable - my drivers test took me completely by surprise, it was kind of a surpriser's test, if you will, because the instructor only tested me on how to fly hot air balloons. This would have been more of a problem were-it-not for the fact that a) my brother owns and yet has no legal right to operate a hot air balloon and b) neither did my tester, so all of the appropriate actions for driving a hot air balloon were instead translated to more common vehicular controls. As you can imagine this was no problem at all, until it came time to parallel park and I found myself on the roof of the DMV.
You're probably one of those people who rushes ahead to block the intersection when the light turns green, even though there's nowhere to go, or who changes lanes while going around a two-lane curve, aren't you? My instructor told me about you. Do you often stop at intersections where you have no stop sign, and try to "be nice" by waving people into traffic who have no legal right-of-way? We are all aware of this ploy, to trick us into being struck by oncoming traffic and sued! The last time I was sued, it didn't turn out so well for the suitor. His sweet suet stained his (wicked sweet) somber suit during the suit, and when he got it back to his suite, the sweets had seeped into the suit so much that soon he felt like suing the suit maker, the suite owner, and the sweet suet maker all at the same time. Poor guy ended up bitter about the whole thing.
You seem like you are more upset about your wife's hubcaps than you are about the poor person who parked beside her. Losing your hubcaps, while terrible, is certainly not that big of an issue in light of this recent kidnapping. If one of my co-workers had been "stolen", which I assume means "sold on the international sex slave market", I'd at least make up a few flyers at lunch or something. Unless I had a lot to eat that day. I mean, who knows, maybe the kidnappers saw who stole your hubcaps.
Anyway, good luck!
Justin
I put this in this forum because I've been writing very serious stuff lately, and it felt good to write something that made myself laugh. I've been watching a lot of british sitcoms lately (Garth Marenghi's Darkplace is a must-see, if you like dry humor, laughing at goth-y people who take themselves too seriously, the IT Crowd or good/bad 70s horror) so maybe this was a little dry, but I hoped it would be funny enough to not sound too mean. Either way, I had fun with it, so who gives a fuck.
Anyone written anything funny lately?