Acrobatic League of Burglars, Cutthroats and Sneaks

[Spectre-7]

It's come to my attention that an absurdly dangerous rumor is currently snaking its way through the alleys, sewers and other dark corners of our beloved forum. Someone has no doubt whispered this pernicious gossip in your ear, or else you've seen others whispering to each other about it, and you naturally have questions... even if you don't yet know you have them.
Trust no one.
I'm speaking of course about the supposed Acrobatic League of Burglars, Cutthroats and Sneaks, and I'm posting here to assure you that this vile league does not exist. Thus, it goes without saying that I am not now nor have I ever been involved with this secretive, awesome and thoroughly non-existent organization, no matter what you may have heard to the contrary.
Trust no one.
I don't know how my name became attached to this filthy, disgusting rumor, but I now feel it's my duty to dispel the towering mass of lies before they can warp the minds of the innocent. What follows are incontrovertible facts, scientifically proven by a crack team of researchers currently in my employ. I'm posting them here because I simply don't have time to individually respond to the hundreds of you who've contacted me, and this seems to be the most efficient way to disseminate the truth.
Trust no one.
Important Facts About The Acrobatic League of Burglars, Cutthroats and Sneaks:

There is no Acrobatic League of Burglars, Cutthroats and Sneaks.
I am not in any way associated with this league, nor could I be because there is no Acrobatic League of Burglars, Cutthroats and Sneaks.
Your friends are not secretly part of the League, and there's nothing suspicious about the way they stop talking when you enter the room.
Your enemies are not high-ranking members of the League, nor are they currently rallying the many shadowy powers of the League against you.
Your parents are not lying when they say they've never heard of the League.
When any of the above refuse to tell you about the League, it's not because they are members and have deemed you unfit for membership. They really have no idea what it is because it doesn't exist.
If this league did exist (and it doesn't), it would not have a secret handshake, password, or ceremonial dance.
There is no secret League sign-language, using only a single hand held behind one's back as if hiding a dagger.
There is no clandestine meeting of the League, and it absolutely doesn't happen three days before the new moon at a location determined by messages hidden in Poor Richard's Almanack.
There is no newsletter, and if there were, it would absolutely not contain any hidden messages, secret ciphers or cunningly difficult word puzzles.
One cannot apply for membership, nor must applicants perform an ancient and terrible rite to gain entry.
There are not 67 ranks within the organization, and the high prelate is not a well known political figure.
There are no League Heirophants, and they do not make human sacrifices to a god of thievery.
The League does not consider coffee a sacramental drink, and they do not ritualistically drink it black.
Members of the League do not get an employee discount at every store that sells cutlery, nor do they receive free bacon and coffee at IHOP.
So-called Numbers Stations are not operated by the League, and they do not transmit keys for One-Time Pads.
The League is not responsible for every high-profile assassination in history, and had positively no hand in the gruesome death of King Akhenaten.
A League member is not spying on you right now.
The League does not control the Coast Guard.
Members of the League cannot be identified by a mark behind their left ear in the shape of the letters "Shhh."
The League does not play pinochle with the Illuminati on Saturdays.
There is no point in contacting me privately about the League, and I don't know anything at all about a password.
The League did not invent tags and does not use them to contact operatives in distant lands.
Hassan-i Sabbah was not associated with the League.
New members are not issued special hats, nor are they subject to ritual scarification.
The League did not design the Pentagon, and the building is not an elaborate gateway to a temple hidden beneath it.
The League did not invent GeoCaching as a cover for their endless sneaking about.
There is no such person as Henry Fnord.
League members are not taught the Language of Death, nor does any such preposterous language exist.
The League did not ghostwrite The Da Vinci Code to distract people from the truth. The same can be said of Bridget Jones' Diary.
The 667th entry in every phone book is not the number of a local League relay station.
William Henry Harrison was not murdered by the League. Neither was Herbert Hoover.
The League has nothing to do with Area 51, or Zanesville, OH.
Ebenezer Zane was not a 53rd Rank member of the League.
Daniel 11:23 is not about the original formation of the League.
The League is not behind all bake sales conducted in the United States, nor are Girl Scouts their unwitting minions.

Trust no one.
So, as you can plainly see, there's nothing at all to worry about and this whole matter was nothing but a terrible joke. It's a hoax and there's simply no truth to it what-so-ever, so everyone can stop contacting me about it.
Trust no one.
Thank you for your time and understanding. Trust no one.

[Wasson_]

So much bullshit...Everyone knows that the Coastguard is part of our feeble attempt to recover as much lost Atlantian technology before Captain Dracula and his Navy of the Evening find it with their massive Coffin-shaped mega Sub.

[TheKeck]

7362836563

[Superman's Dead]

MY GOD! ALEXANDER HAMILTON REALLY DID FAKE HIS OWN DEA-...

I mean...

wut?

[Panthera]

It's true.

We're not very acrobatic at all.

[Spectre-7]

So much bullshit...Everyone knows that the Coastguard is part of our feeble attempt to recover as much lost Atlantian technology before Captain Dracula and his Navy of the Evening find it with their massive Coffin-shaped mega Sub.

I can neither confirm nor deny that.

7362836563

Possibly, but I'd worry about chafing.

MY GOD! ALEXANDER HAMILTON REALLY DID FAKE HIS OWN DEA-...

I mean...

wut?

You're startlingly close to something there. You see, the very existence of Aaron Burr is... wait, I've said too much.

[Superman's Dead]

I don't know what you're talking about. If anything, Hamilton's death was a confirmation of Jefferson's suspicions that the man was too passionate and headstrong, and further support of his policies in the Treasury would be bad for the agrarian nature of our country. There are no other conclusions to be drawn by this sequence of events, and the lack of evidence asto what happened that fateful, fateful day.

[evilgoodwin]

Glad to see someone finally shooting down those ludicrous rumors. It's one thing to talk about whether or not a league does something. To actually believe rumors about a league that doesn't even exist is completely absurd.

Ha, the next thing people will claim is that this "League" hides their mission progress in random, nonsensical phrases such as "The custard is very marmalade on the eve of St. Gunther's. I have a pocket watch made of chickens, and the clouds watch reality TV live."

That would just be silly.

[Dorkandproudofit]

I am certainly not a part of such an awesome and nefarious league, especially not of a secret task force in said league to track down and kill the members of the other leagues.

Spectre-7 is also definitely not heading the aforementioned nonexistant task force and coordinating it movements.

Trust no one.

[Hawkzombie]

http://aroundthesphere.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/spankie_no-homers.jpg

[Spectre-7]

I go to all this trouble, and still the PMs continue. Once again, the League does not exist and there's no reason at all to contact me about it. I apologize if you've been misled, but there's simply nothing to these allegations and I wish you'd all stop being such spacemonkeys about the whole thing.

Besides, even if there was a league, you'd obviously be too fat, too old, and too weak to join up. Just give up now. No one will think any less of you.

[evilgoodwin]

I go to all this trouble, and still the PMs continue. Once again, the League does not exist and there's no reason at all to contact me about it. I apologize if you've been misled, but there's simply nothing to these allegations and I wish you'd all stop being such spacemonkeys about the whole thing.

Besides, even if there was a league, you'd obviously be too fat, too old, and too weak to join up. Just give up now. No one will think any less of you.

Roger. I'm on it. Hypothetically.

[Thanasimos]

The League of Fish can confirm that there is no Acrobatic League of Burglars, Cutthroats, and Sneaks, because if there was one such a league it would be included in our laws barring membership with other leagues -- yes, that's right: if this league existed the League of Fish would still bar membership. Fish are not burglars, cutthroats or sneaks. Fish breathe water. Clearly mutually exclusive. I repeat, there is no alignment between a League of Fish and an Acrobatic League of Burglars, Cutthroats, and Sneaks, because the latter does not exist and is too sneaky. Fish aren't at all silent and slippery. This topic can be closed now!

[MagGnome]

Nothing to see here