Bandango
12-24-2009, 02:38 PM
Christmas can reach a critical mass.
Decorations go up after Halloween. Carols play in every store from Black Friday on, and the TV specials start soon after. Gifts are never all bought until the last minute, and the hours before Christmas Eve dinner are usually littered by errant piles of festive paper and scotch tape stuck to your fingers. At this point, when you just can’t manage to wrap that oddly shaped gift without it looking like a diagnosis of Parkinson’s disease, maybe it’s time for a break. Maybe you just threw the oddly shaped gift at the wall in a clumsy fit of rage and decided to take a breather, go online. If this is the case, well met stranger, because this week FWEP invites you to enjoy:
An Antisocial Vaguely Seasonal Browser-based Holiday Destruction Special
(Click the screenshots to play)
http://www.flexamail.com/GetImage.ashx?id=1495 (http://www.i-mockery.com/minimocks/santa-fu/)
First up is a hot tip I received from Ravenlock just this morning. If you’re afraid Christmas is becoming a consumer holiday, Santa Fu (http://www.i-mockery.com/minimocks/santa-fu/) is for you. In it, an unlikely hero rises up to topple the golden calves of a materialistic yuletide. As an ass kicking kung-fu Santa, it’s your task to karate-punch Christmas icons in the nuts in an effort to save Mrs. Claus, who’s tied to a chair or something. Nutcracker soldiers, gingerbread men, elves, satisfied pipe-chucking fathers taking some vacation time to enjoy the holidays, frosty the snowman; they’re all on Santa’s naughty list. And if you fail to overturn the Christmas popculture-ocracy (this game is hard), there’s a grizzly consolation prize. A present in fact. I won’t spoil what’s inside.
***
http://www.flexamail.com/GetImage.ashx?id=1487 (http://jiggmin.com/play_game.php?title=Effing+Hail)
Then there’s Effing Hail (http://jiggmin.com/play_game.php?title=Effing+Hail), but, for the purposes of this holiday roundup, let’s pretend it’s snow. The point of this high-score game is to cause as much destruction as possible in the time allotted. The action takes place in a cross section of sky and city in which little white specks of ice float around on the wind. It’s basically a snow globe, but with more explosions. You take control of an updraft and send snowballs into the upper atmosphere where they grow larger and larger. Once they reach sufficient mass, let them fall to earth through the solar panels of satellites, through the wings of passenger jets, and through the roofs of skyscrapers. Good fun for a few minutes.
***
http://www.flexamail.com/GetImage.ashx?id=1489 (http://www.dampgnat.com/icycle)
If the act of destruction isn’t your thing, if you’re more of a post destruction sort of person, then Icycle (http://www.dampgnat.com/icycle) is right up your alley. You take the role of an unfortunate man, a nude man who wakes to a ruined future coated in ice with only a tiny little bicycle to aid him through his journey. Naked man + ice age + undersized bicycle seat is a sad fate indeed. The game plays like a twitch Excitebike that requires trial and error and memorization. It’s tough, but worth it. The environments are beautiful and there’s even a hint of story. Check it out.
***
http://www.flexamail.com/GetImage.ashx?id=1483 (http://onemorelevel.com/game/miami_shark)
Are you snowbound? Is it 20 degrees outside? Do you like sharks? Perhaps you harbor some jealousy against those with the expendable income to vacation on a sandy beach during the worst weeks of winter? Well, take a short holiday with Miami Shark (http://onemorelevel.com/game/miami_shark) and chomp up their banana boats and belly flop their yachts in half. Hell yeah! This game is two minutes of pure madness. As the Miami shark it is your job to gobble up dolphins and hang-gliders and flocks of geese and buxom bikini babes. You can even rack up combos by leaping into the air and clamping down on the wheels of passing jumbo jets, tugging them down into the water and exploding catamarans and hovercrafts along with them. This game is freaking hilarious and twice as fun. Must play.
***
http://www.flexamail.com/GetImage.ashx?id=1497 (http://www.ferryhalim.com/orisinal/g3/bells.htm)
After all this wanton destruction you may be left wondering what my problem is. Did I get coal for Christmas last year or something? Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. I swear I'm not bitter about it though. Christmas is a wonderful time of year full of giving and warmth and family. So if you’re not a cynical jerk and would rather have something pleasant and Christmassy to play while the ham is in the oven, I’ve got a present for you too. It’s called Winterbells (http://www.ferryhalim.com/orisinal/g3/bells.htm), a relaxing, snowy tryst with a white rabbit and a descending field of, yes, winter bells. To get a high-score, you bounce your jumpy rabbit from bell to bell for as long as you can, leaping higher and higher with every soft chime. The music is pleasing and slow, and when you finally miss a bell and fall, your rabbit doesn’t even explode in a poinsettia colored cloud of gib. What more could you ask for?
Merry Christmas!
Decorations go up after Halloween. Carols play in every store from Black Friday on, and the TV specials start soon after. Gifts are never all bought until the last minute, and the hours before Christmas Eve dinner are usually littered by errant piles of festive paper and scotch tape stuck to your fingers. At this point, when you just can’t manage to wrap that oddly shaped gift without it looking like a diagnosis of Parkinson’s disease, maybe it’s time for a break. Maybe you just threw the oddly shaped gift at the wall in a clumsy fit of rage and decided to take a breather, go online. If this is the case, well met stranger, because this week FWEP invites you to enjoy:
An Antisocial Vaguely Seasonal Browser-based Holiday Destruction Special
(Click the screenshots to play)
http://www.flexamail.com/GetImage.ashx?id=1495 (http://www.i-mockery.com/minimocks/santa-fu/)
First up is a hot tip I received from Ravenlock just this morning. If you’re afraid Christmas is becoming a consumer holiday, Santa Fu (http://www.i-mockery.com/minimocks/santa-fu/) is for you. In it, an unlikely hero rises up to topple the golden calves of a materialistic yuletide. As an ass kicking kung-fu Santa, it’s your task to karate-punch Christmas icons in the nuts in an effort to save Mrs. Claus, who’s tied to a chair or something. Nutcracker soldiers, gingerbread men, elves, satisfied pipe-chucking fathers taking some vacation time to enjoy the holidays, frosty the snowman; they’re all on Santa’s naughty list. And if you fail to overturn the Christmas popculture-ocracy (this game is hard), there’s a grizzly consolation prize. A present in fact. I won’t spoil what’s inside.
***
http://www.flexamail.com/GetImage.ashx?id=1487 (http://jiggmin.com/play_game.php?title=Effing+Hail)
Then there’s Effing Hail (http://jiggmin.com/play_game.php?title=Effing+Hail), but, for the purposes of this holiday roundup, let’s pretend it’s snow. The point of this high-score game is to cause as much destruction as possible in the time allotted. The action takes place in a cross section of sky and city in which little white specks of ice float around on the wind. It’s basically a snow globe, but with more explosions. You take control of an updraft and send snowballs into the upper atmosphere where they grow larger and larger. Once they reach sufficient mass, let them fall to earth through the solar panels of satellites, through the wings of passenger jets, and through the roofs of skyscrapers. Good fun for a few minutes.
***
http://www.flexamail.com/GetImage.ashx?id=1489 (http://www.dampgnat.com/icycle)
If the act of destruction isn’t your thing, if you’re more of a post destruction sort of person, then Icycle (http://www.dampgnat.com/icycle) is right up your alley. You take the role of an unfortunate man, a nude man who wakes to a ruined future coated in ice with only a tiny little bicycle to aid him through his journey. Naked man + ice age + undersized bicycle seat is a sad fate indeed. The game plays like a twitch Excitebike that requires trial and error and memorization. It’s tough, but worth it. The environments are beautiful and there’s even a hint of story. Check it out.
***
http://www.flexamail.com/GetImage.ashx?id=1483 (http://onemorelevel.com/game/miami_shark)
Are you snowbound? Is it 20 degrees outside? Do you like sharks? Perhaps you harbor some jealousy against those with the expendable income to vacation on a sandy beach during the worst weeks of winter? Well, take a short holiday with Miami Shark (http://onemorelevel.com/game/miami_shark) and chomp up their banana boats and belly flop their yachts in half. Hell yeah! This game is two minutes of pure madness. As the Miami shark it is your job to gobble up dolphins and hang-gliders and flocks of geese and buxom bikini babes. You can even rack up combos by leaping into the air and clamping down on the wheels of passing jumbo jets, tugging them down into the water and exploding catamarans and hovercrafts along with them. This game is freaking hilarious and twice as fun. Must play.
***
http://www.flexamail.com/GetImage.ashx?id=1497 (http://www.ferryhalim.com/orisinal/g3/bells.htm)
After all this wanton destruction you may be left wondering what my problem is. Did I get coal for Christmas last year or something? Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. I swear I'm not bitter about it though. Christmas is a wonderful time of year full of giving and warmth and family. So if you’re not a cynical jerk and would rather have something pleasant and Christmassy to play while the ham is in the oven, I’ve got a present for you too. It’s called Winterbells (http://www.ferryhalim.com/orisinal/g3/bells.htm), a relaxing, snowy tryst with a white rabbit and a descending field of, yes, winter bells. To get a high-score, you bounce your jumpy rabbit from bell to bell for as long as you can, leaping higher and higher with every soft chime. The music is pleasing and slow, and when you finally miss a bell and fall, your rabbit doesn’t even explode in a poinsettia colored cloud of gib. What more could you ask for?
Merry Christmas!