Awesome drunk talk

[Inspector Fowler]

So tonight this super, way drunk kid was being a huge jackass. He ended up having to go to the hospital because he was so drunk (not that this is uncommon). He had spent a lot of time screaming some truly fucking priceless shit at me and my partner, including:

- "Fuck you, you Congressional douchebags!" (He was unimpressed when I explained I work for the executive branch of government)
- "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck (pause)...um....shit"
- "My birthday? I was born on PISS OFF!"
- He started crying and said with 6 billion people on the planet, there is no reason for us to care about him. A third officer on scene said (very nicely), "Dude, I actually do care about you being safe." The kid thought, and then yelled, "THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKING PUSSY!"

But the best was when the ambulance crew was on scene. They ask him questions like what day it is, what month it is, etc. The ambulance driver says, "If I gave you $1.50 in quarters, how many quarters would that be?" The kid thinks for about 3 seconds, and says, "Well, all right, give me my fucking buck fifty."

So what's the funniest drunk statement you've heard? I love hearing what comes out of people's subconscious when the safety fuse get removed with ETOH!

[Shamrock Jimmy]

"I am the inferno!!!" said by me......just before I lit myself on fire and jumped from a roof into a pool.

[Lunar Blue]

"If I gave you $1.50 in quarters, how many quarters would that be?" The kid thinks for about 3 seconds, and says, "Well, all right, give me my fucking buck fifty."

And then the loch ness monster appeared and said: "I need about tree-fiddy"

[Nuggsy]

Back in college a friend of mine had a habit of getting drunk and passing out. While he was passed out he used to spout some of the weirdest drunk talk I'd ever heard. So, one night he's blitzed and passed out on the floor and me and my other buddy are finishing up our beers when drunk-boy says:
"I voted for Volkswagen!"

My buddy looks at him and replies, "Why would you vote for Volkswagen?"

Drunk-boy's response: "'Cause they good car!"

We still rag on him about it.

[Vandabo]

Once, while very drunk, I was engaged in conversation with a non-drunk friend who was kind of messing with me by drawing me into a philosophical conversation. I told him that I "utilize a complicated moral calculus to make decisions", which everybody thought was hilarious coming from my drunken ass.

[Thanasimos]

One of my Chinese international friends at school was unable to say my name after a party -- in which I definitely did not partake in underage drinking, etc -- which I found hilarious. Moreso because I was still sober* and she was blitzed on the same amount of, uh, "stuff."

This is how any conversation with her went on the way back to the residence halls:

"You're drunk, you know."
"I aaam not druunk."
*five seconds of thought later*
"I'm really, reaaaalllly drunk."

Except, it was in a thick Mandarin accent and at points she was slipping back into Mandarin instead of English. She could only walk because she was holding on to her boyfriend, who was laughing as hard as I was through the whole thing.

*This is actually true, though it may not sound it. I don't know if she's a lightweight or what.

At that same party, I managed to convince a Filipino kid to sing a duet of Never Gonna Give You Up with me. It was pretty awesome. He was crosseyed drunk by that point.

[diablopath]

None of my friends have ever really gotten too drunk.

I hear stories, though, about a time when I woke up my best friend at like 7 a.m. and was like 'Dude, we have to get three tires for Jerry.'

I am told that he promptly kicked me, and I went back to sleep.

[Alatheia]

I've had a drunk person give me a 10 minute speech on why suicide was bad. Ending with, "You just can't do stuff like that to a mommy."

[Khrymsyn]

Drinking with a good friend of mine "Boosy". We were at a bar in downtown Bethlehem called the B&G station. They had tables outside so we were chillin outside with like, his cousin and another friend, and were listening to this guy at the table next to us just go on and on about how he just got this badass car (brand new Mustang), and it fucking rules, and blah blah blah.

At any rate, we were being amused by how much of an ass this guy was and just how loud he was considering we could hear him over the music, when suddenly a shitload of security comes flying out of the bar, running across the back area out the side/back entrance. Next thing we hear is a loud engine... Vroom... vroom... SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

So the music stops, and all of us in the back getup and look out the back fence. Around the corner we see... you guessed it, a brand new shiny black Ford Mustang come pulling around the corner, tires all smoking with a train of bouncers following it screaming obsenities. The guy at the next table starts screaming "SHIT! MY CAR! MY CAR! MY FUCKING CAR!!!"

The car pulls out of sight, security starts coming back to the back area and the whole back area was fairly silent, mumbling about what we just saw. You know.. the whole uncomfortable silence thing. The guy who's car it was turns around, raises his glass, and says...

"FUCK IT! LET'S DRINK!"

[Spacetronaut]

I was at a bar with some friends and a guy (covered it poorly done tattoos) comes over to our table and tells us that he just got out of prison that day and that we needed to celebrate it. He then yells at us to drink more, gives everyone at the table what he probably thought were friendly headbutts, and repeatedly lifts a female friend of mine off the ground (we were all pretty on edge, but she was laughing her ass off). The friend goes to the bathroom and the prison guy sits down in her seat and imparts this wisdom to us:

"Women, you gotta put 'em on a pedestal." (pause for dramatic effect) "And then you fuck 'em right off!"

We intercepted the friend on the way back from the bathroom and left.