A Poem I Wrote...

[Ultima Thulian]

Heh, I rarely write poems to completion, but I managed to do so. I'm rather happy with this one, and I thought I'd share it. Feel free to tell what you think of it.

It's titled "Under the Cypress".

I saw you under the Cypress
Its mock shade but a shroud
For you I'd weather a tempest
But you could not be found

Instead, I saw a broken girl
Face hidden by a mask
Like a map of a cruel world
In sorrow it does bask

But its visage slowly decays
The bruises it did hide
Become clear and a tear conveys
Abused and injured pride

What tragedy has stricken thee?
Where is your friend, Laughter?
Did he leave you to Misery
Fiends steal what you're after?

Worry not, respite is at home
With facades you may can part
A place where you're never alone
Is in thy brother's heart.


Well...there it is. :o

[Gwinny]

Very nice! I like the way it shifts from the lovelorn sentiment to a familial one. The ABAB/CDCD/etc rhyme scheme makes it very methodical. While that sense of pacing is good for such a somber meditation, by the fourth stanza I was waiting for the "payoff*". The shifting frame of reference provided in the last stanza (brother instead of lover) was great though.

(*I don't think every poem needs a 'climax' or payoff, obviously. It starts off with a Shakespearean sonnet's rhyme scheme so I was subconsciously expecting a couplet.)

If you are using 'brother' more metaphorically I apologize, but I thought it was a nice recalibration! Well done.

[Ultima Thulian]

Very nice! I like the way it shifts from the lovelorn sentiment to a familial one. The ABAB/CDCD/etc rhyme scheme makes it very methodical. While that sense of pacing is good for such a somber meditation, by the fourth stanza I was waiting for the "payoff*". The shifting frame of reference provided in the last stanza (brother instead of lover) was great though.

(*I don't think every poem needs a 'climax' or payoff, obviously. It starts off with a Shakespearean sonnet's rhyme scheme so I was subconsciously expecting a couplet.)

If you are using 'brother' more metaphorically I apologize, but I thought it was a nice recalibration! Well done.

Thanks! I was using common (sometimes called Ballad) metre, hence the rhyme scheme. And I meant brother literally...it's about my sister and the things that have been going on lately. English (a.ka. Shakespearean) sonnets are kinda similar, but not quite.

Also appreciated the constructive criticism man, helps me get better. :)

I also noticed a typo...in my last stanza I say, " With facades you may can part"...I don't need the "may" part...don't know why I typed it like that, haha. :p

[Dorkandproudofit]

It seems my day has come, Ultima. (http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/showthread.php?t=737)

Riposte that! :D

[OldeWolf]

Hope you don't mind me doing this but there seems to be a certain feel of the poem just talking instead of flowing word to words (or it's just me being bloody half asleep). I'm going to alter a stanza a bit so you can get a taste of a different style should you want to give it a try.

Also, my suggestion for rhyming is to use www.rhymezone.com

The story and the potentials in showing the feel of the story is very much there with room to improve. I look forward to seeing what you can do.

------------------------

I saw you in the morn under the Cypress tree
It mocked your shade with but a shroud
For you I'd weather all tempest debris
Yet in morn nor the morrow you could be found

------------------------

[Grifter]

Heh, I rarely write poems to completion, but I managed to do so. I'm rather happy with this one, and I thought I'd share it. Feel free to tell what you think of it.

It's titled "Under the Cypress".

I saw you under the Cypress
Its mock shade but a shroud
For you I'd weather a tempest
But you could not be found

Instead, I saw a broken girl
Face hidden by a mask
Like a map of a cruel world
In sorrow it does bask

But its visage slowly decays
The bruises it did hide
Become clear and a tear conveys
Abused and injured pride

What tragedy has stricken thee?
Where is your friend, Laughter?
Did he leave you to Misery
Fiends steal what you're after?

Worry not, respite is at home
With facades you may can part
A place where you're never alone
Is in thy brother's heart.


Well...there it is. :o

Wow, I really liked that. I kind of rolled my eyes when I saw the thread title and almost ignored it but I am really glad I didn't. I would like to read more of your work if there is any.


Hope you don't mind me doing this but there seems to be a certain feel of the poem just talking instead of flowing word to words (or it's just me being bloody half asleep). I'm going to alter a stanza a bit so you can get a taste of a different style should you want to give it a try.

Also, my suggestion for rhyming is to use www.rhymezone.com

The story and the potentials in showing the feel of the story is very much there with room to improve. I look forward to seeing what you can do.

------------------------

I saw you in the morn under the Cypress tree
It mocked your shade with but a shroud
For you I'd weather all tempest debris
Yet in morn nor the morrow you could be found

------------------------


I'd leave the poetry to Ultima.

[OldeWolf]

I'd leave the poetry to Ultima.

My advice wasn't for you, Grifter.

[Ultima Thulian]

I appreciate the constructive criticism, Oldewolf. I do agree I think I can make things flow better, however your suggestion wouldn't work. I'm using Common (sometimes called ballad) metre, and it requires the writer to switch between tetrameter and trimeter. I'm a stickler for meter and rhyme scheme, haha. :)

But you're right about word flow, and it's something I've been working on. I'll keep on trying.

@Grifter: Thanks for the kind words! I rarely do poetry, as I usualy only get a poem half done or so and I decide I don't like it. I only finish and keep the ones I do like and enjoy. When I make more, I'll share.

[Ultima Thulian]

It seems my day has come, Ultima. (http://www.colonyofgamers.com/cogforums/showthread.php?t=737)

Riposte that! :D

I'm not gonna lie, I enjoyed your little poem at the beginning of the thread. It made me chuckle. :)

But I've never seen that many haiku before! I have a soft spot for them, but even I didn't read the entirety of the thread...it really blew up! :D

[ProAce]

Quite well written (consider the fact that you rarely write poem)!

[Ultima Thulian]

Thanks! College is keeping me busy, but I hope to find more time to write some more. Been feeling inspired lately. :p

[franciszek]

Hi Ultima.........
Simply outstanding poem and amazing to read.
I like the way you express your feelings and emotions about Cypress.
Anyways its nice stuff and it seems that you might get compliments for your work.
Please stay connected.

[Ultima Thulian]

Appreciate it, Franciszek! I'm actually working on a poem. If I finish it and like it, I'll post it.